Park City, Utah ? I came here to watch the men’s 90-meter ski jump, which gets its name from the fact that a sane person would have to drink a 90-meter-high glass of gin before he would even consider attempting this sport.

Of course ski jumping was not invented by sane people. It was invented by Norwegians. These are people who eat a dish called “lutefisk,” which can be either an entree or an industrial solvent. So they think nothing of flinging themselves off cliffs.

If you’ve ever watched ski jumping on television, you’re probably asked yourself: How do they DO that? How is it POSSIBLE? The answer to that question is two words  two words that define the spirit and essence of this amazing sport. Those words are: computer graphics. The “jumpers” are actually suspended by cables about a foot off the ground in a studio in Los Angeles. Also “Bob Costas” is an elaborate puppet operated by four people.

No, I’m kidding. I personally watched the ski jumpers here hurtle down an incredibly steep ramp, launch themselves off the end, soar through space long enough to qualify for beverage-cart service, then somehow land on their skis and slide, triumphantly, to the underwear-changing station. After each jump, two enthusiastic dudes would get on the public-address system and analyze it for the crowd. Most events at these Olympics have enthusiastic announcer dudes who are really, really into the sport, and thus are able to explain it in terms that only they understand. At ski jumping, they were always saying helpful things like: “Wow! He got a real huge float off his V!”

The 90-meter ski jump was won by  and in my opinion, this is a growing scandal here  three foreign persons. At a press conference afterward, one of them, Sven Hannawald of Germany, was asked if he could explain ski jumping to people who’ve never done it. Through an interpreter, he answered: “If everybody tried, they would probably need very good insurance.”

Also, to be competitive, they would need to lose weight. The big scandal in ski jumping is that a lot of the athletes have eating disorders, because the lighter you are, the farther you fly. There’s talk of changing the rules to eliminate this advantage, possibly by requiring lighter competitors to carry extra weight. This concept is being studied in a series of experiments in which scientists are putting skis on former top Enron executives, tying anvils to their necks, and shoving them down the jump ramp.

“The early results are very promising,” report the scientists. “These guys are getting practically no float off their V.”

As a winter sports enthusiast, I urge these scientists to continue this important research, and if possible expand it to include the comedian “Carrot Top.”

Olympic competition update: Turkey has won its first Winter Olympic gold ever in the Two-Man Windshield Scrape.

Utah cultural update: There is an establishment in Salt Lake City called the “Ho Ho Gourmet Restaurant.”