Everything I need to know in life, I learned from watching “The Osbournes.” Like:

No work and all play make Jack stab cardboard boxes with bayonets.

Accessories can really give your new home a relaxing feel, so be daring. Chintz sofas and antique Persian rugs go smashingly with devil heads and crucifixes.

Seven dogs and one cat is not enough animal companionship for your brood. You need at least two cats so the reek of feline marking cancels out the stench of the doggy doo permeating the carpets.

If your daughter comes home with a tattoo, try covering up the ink tapestries on your arms before lecturing her about how wrong it is. She refuses to listen? Leave it to the wife.

Conflicts with loud English neighbors can prove messy. To smooth things over, try sending them bagels. If that doesn’t work, why not toss a ham onto their lawn? Failing this gesture, a log through the window might be just the thing to get your point across. Then it’s time to bring in the cops.

It’s so important to make your guests feel welcome. Therefore, when your daughter brings Elijah Wood over for a visit, put him to work in helping wipe canine piddle off the throw pillows.

However, once a guest has overstayed his welcome and cursing at him has proved useless in getting him to leave, urinate in the fifth of Jack Daniels he’s secreted away in your couch and put it back.

When disciplining your children, don’t overwhelm them all at once. First, gently make your son understand that people coming over at 2 a.m. and running around naked in your living room is not normal. Once that’s established, then you can move on to the issue of his dope smoking in the house.

Don’t worry about listening closely to your kids when they’re dramatically spilling their guts about minor stuff. Simply repeat these phrases as often as necessary: “Whudja say, love?” “Oh, don’t be stupid.” “I can’t hear you.” “Whuddya talking about?”