I learned it by watching my sister. She always hosts Thanksgiving, and starts shopping and cooking and freezing and mise en place-ing over a week in advance, so The Day Of isn’t so frantic and absurdly not fun. She orchestrates a Master Plan weeks in advance, so she can slowly and methodically prepare an arsenal of food and a clean home for the onslaught of visitors.

Today, I am hosting a happy hour/cookout at my house, and I expect anywhere from three to fifty-three people, give or take.

There were several factors working against me as this date drew nigh, and thankfully I started panicking relatively early. I worked out my Master Plan awhile back, and so far it’s all coming together.

In my, er, condition, yard work is a little hard. And, I hate most forms of yard work.

Also, since we had new floors installed and a bathroom remodel that fell right at the same time I was helping with a friend’s hitchin’ party preparation, my house got, shall we say, a little ripe. I never had it in me to adequately clean it up, beyond a cursory counter wiping and sweeping. As my mom would say, it was “a lick and a promise.”

So, my house needed a major cleaning, and my yard needed a major overhaul, and I had to cook for the masses, and I’m over 6 months pregnant, but I look more like 10 months pregnant.

I had to create a Master Plan. Here are a few tips on preparing for a shindig under sketchy circumstances like mine.

1) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT be afraid to ask for help.

I called in a crew of friends, both paid and unpaid to help with the yard. It was worth the cost to see the flower and garden beds get finished, without my having to crouch for hours in the sun, over my double bowling ball-sized belly.

I also hired someone to do a little housekeeping for me. I figure Mr. Meat and Potatoes can’t be too mad that I spent some dollars getting the house clean, since he’s not here to help me and all.

2) Shop early.

I bought supplies on Monday, and knew what I had to do every night this week. I did not want to be exhausted come party time on Friday, and I don’t like missing out on my guests because I’m still in the kitchen finishing up food.

Getting all that help left me free to concoct food all week… and concoct I did. I’ve made: a double batch of homemade ice cream, a double batch of potato salad, and a double batch of chocolate chip cookies. I have made watermelon salad, and I have chicken brining in my fridge as we speak. Pork chops are marinating, and corn and bean salsa is in the bowl, ready to accept a chip. I did these things slowly, every night since Tuesday. Made for easier kitchen clean up and plenty of time to watch “The Fashion Show” in between cooking episodes.

3) Think about your servingware.

My ADD is tempered with fits of OCD. This means I actually plan my menu, and think about receptacles, before I start buying food or cooking. I know what bowls I have, and what I will need. I don’t like getting down to the wire and finding myself screaming “BREAD! I HAVE NOTHING TO PUT BREAD IN!” If you need to pick up an extra basket or plastic bowl at The Wal Marts, do it in the same trip you are making to buy paper plates and toothpaste.

4) Think about entertaining your guests.

I’m setting up croquet and washers in the side yard, and cranking out some tunes via satellite TV.

5) Final touches make the difference.

Think about the details, for ambiance and festivity.

My house is always a work in progress. I have had a naked wall in my living room for months. In a pinch, I “shopped the house” (a term I stole from The Nester) and came up with an old ugly mirror I’d bought at auction when the Eldridge did their remodel. I slapped some silver spray paint on it, and now it’s still ugly but it’s really gaudy silver and there’s something appealing about that. Now, there is something on every wall, regardless of how “perfect” or artful it is.

I saved beer bottles (that my friends drank, not me, come on…), and will use them to put flowers in around the house. You can usually buy a bouquet of flowers at Dillon’s for under 2 bucks if you look in the back at the older stuff. You only need it for the one day – so who cares if they wilt by Sunday?

And, no one likes harsh overhead lighting. I look much prettier by candlelight. Make sure you have lamps on and overhead lights off, if yuo plan to have your guests indoors.

4) Make contingency plans.

I have canopies available to me in case of rain, and a wading pool available in case of extreme heat.

And, there is, like, a 100 percent chance it will rain tonight. Mother Nature was not in on The Master Plan, apparently. Oh well, I am totally into cramming 3 to 53 people in my tiny house. No, that doesn’t cause me to want to rub the skin off my knees with a lemon zester. Not at all.