The 2008 Challenge Question: I am a high school senior, a reasonably good student and well respected at my school. I help out a lot with student government, plays and other events and I try to be a good role model. The problem is, since I’m not usually in a position of immediate power, my efforts either go unappreciated or unnoticed. I have good ideas and I bend over backwards to help my school and other students when needed. Unfortunately, nobody including the teachers seem to care. My extra work gets credited to other people, and people seem more interested in criticizing than supporting my efforts. I can’t just stand aside and watch things go poorly because I wasn’t there to help. How can I get the appreciation I deserve without boasting my work or completely stepping aside?

Wes: The selection of this year’s Double Take co-author has been a happy nightmare. It was thrilling to see the broadest selection of candidates ever, and the general quality of the essays exceptional. The nightmare came from trying to decide which of six excellent submissions would best fit the column. Frankly, I’d like to have them all and each would make a terrific contribution. But that’s not how this works, and in the end Marissa Ballard and I came up with a winner and runner-up based on the essays, interviews, questionnaire and letters of reference.

Pamina Buechner of Free State High School was this year’s runner-up.

Incoming Free State senior Kelly Kelin is this year’s winner. Here is her essay:

Kelly: Wouldn’t it be great if we somehow got a huge parade every time we did something right? Reality is its not going to happen. You seem to be well-rounded individual involved in numerous activities. You care about your community and school, which is a good thing. However, the purpose of excelling isn’t to get gratitude, it is to reinforce self-esteem. Let’s think about WHY you do the work. Do you do it to help your community? Do you do it for fun? Or do you do it to get a pat on the back?

For years I have lived by a motto – if you want something done, do it yourself. Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed. Remember, independence is a good thing. I can understand wanting a little appreciation now and then. After all, it does feel good when your efforts are recognized by your peers. However, there are plenty of hard-working people who don’t get recognized for their efforts. Being appreciated by others is overrated. You have already acknowledged that you work hard within your community. And I think that’s good enough. If you’re satisfied with your work, that is great. Your biggest critic should be yourself and not others.

Of course, you will be criticized by others, but ultimately that will help you excel. Constructive criticism is a good thing. If it is your work, then yes, credit should be given to you. If you don’t speak up about it, you’re setting yourself up to be a doormat. Think about your future. What if your co-worker takes credit for an assignment and then your boss gives him/her a raise? Would you just stand by? Or speak up? Talk to your peers. You have a voice use it.

Also you state that you just can’t stand aside and watch things go poorly because you weren’t there to help. There is a big difference in controlling the situation and assisting it. If you have the mentality that nothing will be perfect without your work, then perhaps that is why your work is not being appreciated. Don’t attempt to dominate the situation. Perhaps others feel as though you are being overbearing.

But more importantly, do not be discouraged in participating within your school and activities. Remember, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, just as long as you have tolerance for others criticism.

Wes: In an especially readable essay, Kelly successfully balanced two compatible approaches to the problem – assertive action to get recognition due, AND making a choice not to worry as much what other people think, seeing service as its own reward. This fits well with past columns suggesting teens develop self-respect and self-efficacy rather than being dependent on the admiration of others. She also encouraged perspective-taking and even suggested that such criticism can be seen as a character-building gift. She fully addressed the question and was on-topic throughout, wasting few words. In her interviews, Kelly had some great ideas for how to improve Double Take’s youth readership and participation – key goals in the coming year. We welcome Kelly Kelin to Double Take in August and believe she will help take the column to the next level.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Julia Davidson is a Bishop Seabury Academy junior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.