Q. I’m dreading the holidays. My mom is in the midstages of Alzheimer’s disease. She’s in an assisted-living home most of the time, but will be with our extended family for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Her memory and ability fluctuate so much. I want her to have a good time and don’t want the other relatives to feel wary about being around her. Do you have some tips that might help me cope?

A. Families and friends find it difficult enough throughout the year caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease, but during the holidays when we come together for celebrations, having a loved one with this disease can be particularly hurtful and frustrating. We naturally want them to participate and contribute in the activities in the same ways as they have done in the past. When they cannot, grieving these losses of memory and function can make holidays pointedly painful for everyone involved. However, with realistic expectations, some creativity and knowledge of the person’s strengths (note I did not mention weaknesses) many families and their loved one with dementia can enjoy these days, albeit differently than in the past.

First, make a plan based on the person’s ability to cope with confusion, noise, changing scenery and a diversion from their normal structured routines and plan their involvement at the level they will be able to tolerate. Second, include them in the activities in a structured and simplified manner. If cooking the family dinner had been their primary role and they can no longer manage this, but can accomplish portions of the tasks like stirring the gravy or putting rolls in the oven to bake, then by all means assign them these. Above all else, make them feel involved and a part of the day’s joy. The experience of seeing familiar faces and participating in long established and well remembered traditions of attending church, singing carols or opening gifts will bring joy and fulfillment to everyone involved.

It is a mistake to think that the person’s memory and functional losses completely deprive them of the ability to have an enjoyable and quality life. Certainly these changes make many, many things more difficult or impossible to accomplish, but think about what you enjoy most during holidays.

Upon reflection, you probably will find that it is not figuring your budget to decide what you can afford, tramping through stores to buy gifts, or scurrying to get it all done before June that you find pleasurable about this time of the year. You probably will find the joy is in what your five senses experienced. It is what you heard like familiar songs and hymns, or a bell choir; what you saw, like snow or a Christmas tree dressed out in splendor; what you tasted in the way of sweets and meats and hot cider. People with dementia of the Alzheimer’s type do not lose these abilities and can thoroughly enjoy the holiday season with some preplanning for their role and participation that involves them, but does not overwhelm them.

If you are planning your holiday season and wondering how to involve a loved one who has dementia, structure their time with tasks that focus on their strengths, bring joy through what they see, hear, smell, touch and taste, and have a plan to lower stimulation if they become stressed or confused. A simple approach to this is to have an assigned family member redirect them for a while to a quieter area of the home and focus on singing familiar hymns or looking through a photo album of past holidays or sharing a delicious snack.

The holiday season can continue to be a delightful experience for people with dementia and their families and friends if those families and friends prepare a bit ahead of time to ensure their success based on their remaining strengths and not focusing on their losses.