My husband’s mother lives more than 150 miles away. She is growing frail, and we worry about her a lot. She will not consider moving closer to us — wants to stay in her house of 60 years, and we don’t blame her. But my husband is an only child, and although she’s still competent at 80 and taking care of herself, we are really feeling a heavy weight of responsibility. We are at a loss in knowing how to approach this whole issue. Can you give us some advice?

Your situation is becoming very common. For the past couple of generations, young folks have been moving away from their childhood homes in droves — seeking a life more to their liking often in cities far away. As their parents are now growing older, caregiving from a distance is becoming a troublesome reality for many families. It’s not that they aren’t eager to support and care for their parents, it’s the distance. Dropping in on Mom just isn’t possible.

There is an organization in Levittown, Pa., called Children of Aging Parents that has offered these tips. Maybe you’ll find them helpful:

• Talk with your loved one to find out what she needs and what she will accept. During your visits, watch for warning signs of declining faculties, such as changes in grooming, eating or social activities. Look for changes in the way he or she manages money, cleans, shops, and gets around as well, as they may also be significant.
• If you notice what appears to be a decline in thinking and reasoning, you might want to ask a physician to test your loved one for cognitive function.
• Buy a workbook to organize information. Keep track of your loved one’s medical condition and prescription drug information. Make a list of all important contacts — friends, neighbors, physicians, financial counselors — and keep notes of conversations.
• Order a local phone book and list of community resources such as adult day care, paratransit companies, and home health agencies. Call the local office on aging for brochures about its services.
• Locate your loved one’s key legal and financial documents.
• Establish a network of support (friends, relatives, neighbors, bank tellers, and physicians), and keep in touch.
• Reach out for support in a caregiver support group or online bulletin board or “buddy” system.
• Hire help. Private geriatric care managers can evaluate a loved one’s needs and begin a well-monitored plan of care.
• Keep in regular touch with your loved one by phone, letters and e-mail. Record any changes you sense in his or her personality or ability to function day by day.

If your parents are seriously ailing, try to find someone you trust in the neighborhood (possibly a relative, sibling, longtime friend or neighbor) to check up on your loved one once a day or as often as appropriate, either by phone or in person. You can offer to pay for these services, if necessary, or trade off responsibilities, with you calling, say, every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday night at the same time. If you don’t get a response, have your ally run by your parents’ house and check on them.

Check with the Area Agency on Aging that serves your mother-in-law’s community. They will have current information on helpful resources for their area. It’s a difficult problem that many of your peers are sharing. Good luck as you find the best solutions for your family.