You’ve discovered the hard way that there actually is something worse than a phone call from a telemarketer.

It’s the call from friends announcing how wonderful it would be to get together for the big football game. And what would make the occasion even more special, they believe, is you playing host. After all, you have a big screen, a big kitchen and a big cooler.

By the way, kickoff is in three hours.

Click.

The initial urge is to either yell or mumble various four-letter words, depending on the proximity of the children. But shortly after panic, reality will set in.

Get a game plan

First thing to do is form a plan. Guys, especially, are good at forming plans. That’s not to say that the plan will be a good plan. Just that we will have a plan. We can conquer anything as long as we have a plan. Here is my plan.

Step one was to find help. My girlfriend was working, so I called my friend, Ralph Romano. Like me, he’s a decent cook who understands the problem at hand. More important, he won’t mess with my plan.

Ralph also had a plan. He had some quick things he could prepare, but had to run down to the bakery because they run out of bread very early, especially on Sundays.

With the bread issue resolved, we headed to the market. I got my ingredients. He got his. I also picked up a case of soda and non-alcoholic beer for some of our friends who might not be drinking. This dumbfounded my partner.

We loaded up the cart and spent about $100, a cost that would be picked up by our guests. We made four distinctly different dishes in less than two hours and had plenty of time to devise a football-related pool that would sort out clean-up chores.

Pick a team. Loser gets the Brillo pad.

Time to cook

Got a pot? And a pan? Is the cooler ready to roll? OK, guys, it’s football time. But first, take a little more than an hour and put together food for a game party that will have the guys scratching their heads about your kitchen talent and the women wishing they could trade their own husbands for the likes of you.

This is a dish that has been in Ralph’s mom’s family for years. The key to this recipe is, naturally, the potatoes. As Ralph puts it, “Use reds or yellows, just as long as they’re thin-skinned and not those big Idaho jobs.”

As an amateur cook, Ralph is not too concerned with the amounts of his ingredients. In fact, he doesn’t even own a measuring cup. “Cooking is all feel,” he points out.

Hey, that’s his plan. I ain’t messing with it.

Ralph’s Mom’s Potato Salad

1 pound thin-skinned potatoes
1 large Spanish onion
A few celery stalks
Splash of vinegar
Little bit of vegetable oil
1-3 spoonfuls of mayonnaise
Salt and pepper
1-2 teaspoons of sugar
Fresh parsley

Boil the potatoes in cold water until they’re about 80 percent tender, using a fork to check consistency. Dice onions and celery.

In a separate dish, combine oil, vinegar, salt, pepper and sugar. When the potatoes are done, pour in colander. Try to peel the potatoes while still hot. Cut into bite-sized portions.

Add oil mixture to potatoes evenly.

Add mayonnaise, salt and pepper to taste. Top with parsley.

Hints: Mom says for best results, combine oil mixture and hot potatoes and refrigerate for a few hours or overnight, then add the mayo.

Tuna and Pepper Salad Sandwiches

1 Spanish onion
1 each red, green, yellow and orange peppers
3 large cans of albacore tuna
Dill to taste
Salt and pepper
Mayonnaise

Drain tuna. Dice onion and peppers. Mix onion, peppers, salt, pepper, and dill. Add tuna, mix thoroughly. Add mayo, mix thoroughly.

Hints: If possible, chill tuna mixture before adding mayo. … Using different colored peppers creates a better sandwich display.

Spicy Chicken and Pepper Wraps

2 large (23 oz.) bottles of Frank’s hot sauce
3 yellow peppers
3 red peppers
2 Spanish peppers (not jalape
2 medium onions
3 pounds chicken breast
2 tablespoons butter
1 package of large tortilla wraps (12 total)
1 package shredded cheese

Dice peppers, onions and chicken breast. In large frying pan, combine hot sauce, butter and remaining ingredients.

Cook on medium heat about 15-20 minutes or until chicken is done. Place mixture onto tortilla, top with cheese and wrap.

Really Simple Chicken Soup

6 cups water
1 bag of soup starter
6 chicken legs
1 bag of carrots
1 can chicken broth

Pull skin from chicken. Boil starter mix, chicken, carrots and broth for 30 minutes, or until chicken is done.

Hints: Taking the skin from the chicken is difficult, but the soup will be less fatty. Crack open an egg or two in the last five minutes for an added flavor. Other vegetables, such as celery or spinach may be added as well.