Gift-giving can be difficult. How much do you spend? Is giving money appropriate?

This is what the late British author Pamela Glenconner said about the gift-selection process: “Giving presents is a talent; to know what a person wants, to know when and how to get it, to give it lovingly and well.

Unless a character possesses this talent there is no moment more annihilating to ease than that in which a present is received and given.”

When it comes to giving gifts, it can often be like arranging a vase of long-stem roses. If you do the job right you are pleasantly rewarded.

But if you aren’t careful, you might get a nasty nick and wreck the experience.

I consulted some etiquette experts on the right and wrong way to go about selecting a gift. Here’s what they had to say:

Q: Is there a rule of thumb as to how much one should spend on a gift?

A: The overwhelming answer to this question was no. “Keep in mind your own budget,” said Ruth L. Kern, an international etiquette consultant from Barrington, Ill. “Don’t go broke just to make an impression. How much you spend on the gift should depend on how well you know the person.”

These days you know a year ahead of time when someone is getting married.

So, figure out how much you can afford on gifts every year and plan accordingly. And remember what a gift is. It is a way to show you care. The price tag on a gift is not a yardstick of how much you care.

Q: If how much you spend isn’t important, then how do you determine the right gift?

A: Perhaps the biggest reason why so many gifts are gaffes is that we don’t take the time to find out what people like, says Giovinella Gonthier, CEO of Chicago-based Civility Associates. “People often give other people what they would like to receive. That’s their first mistake. Their second mistake is that they don’t do any research.” Gonthier, a former diplomat who advises executives on their business gift-buying, says it takes skill and not just a rushed trip to the mall to find the appropriate gift. “A lot of time we view gifts as an afterthought. We get an invitation. We reply to it and then weeks go by before we think of what to get.” Gonthier said if you are unsure what to buy, then ask someone close to the person receiving the gift. Most of all put some imagination into your gift-giving.

Q: If I attend a wedding or graduation do I have to buy a gift?

A: “Guests invited to the wedding ceremony and reception have an obligation to send a gift, whether they are attending or not,” said Peggy Post, the author of numerous etiquette books. There are some exceptions. For instance, if you live far away from where the wedding is taking place or you have been out of touch with the couple for several years. The receipt of a wedding announcement after the wedding carries no gift obligation. If you are invited to a graduation ceremony, you’re expected to bring a gift, Post added.

Q: Is it OK to tell guests what gifts to get?

A: Ask and you shall be rude, according to the experts. “I’m just appalled that so many people feel it’s OK to ask for money or certain gifts,” Kern said. “I understand that in many cultures there may be a tradition of giving money for a wedding, for example. But to actually ask for money or anything else is improper.” Gonthier was equally offended at the commonplace practice of asking guests to contribute toward a certain gift. “I don’t think guests should be asked to help pay for a honeymoon.

“It’s terribly ungracious and smacks of avarice. If you don’t have the money for a big wedding, then keep it simple.” Just so you know, a graduation, birthday party, anniversary or wedding is not an opportunity to fund-raise.

Q: What should you do if you find out someone thinks your gift is cheap?

A: “Do nothing,” Post said. “There is no need to respond to such rudeness.”

Giving the right gift isn’t always easy. But keep this in mind: Your generosity lies less in how much you spend but rather in how much thought you put into your giving.