Dr. Wes Crenshaw and Kyra Haas

Wes: Maybe it’s just because I’m a couples and family psychologist, but I find that most psychotherapy involves learning how to love and be loved. Whether a teen, a young adult, or a not-so-young adult (like me), much of any client’s recovery involves connecting to and working with others. For people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), relationships between family members, with peers, or with romantic partners often get complicated

There are a number of reasons for this. If you have ADHD or love someone who does, these three may be the most familiar:

Boredom. Doing the same thing over and over again is ADHD torture. Since enduring relationships are by definition stable, they’re less entertaining than doing something else with someone else every day. Sure, people with ADHD have their core people, but those relationships often feel less steady and connected than others might like.

Psychological Integrity. People with ADHD may feel and think one thing on Monday, something different on Wednesday, and something completely different on Friday. That leaves parents’ and partners’ heads spinning. Don’t confuse psychological integrity with moral integrity. It’s more about consistency than judgment or honesty.

Mind Mapping. This sounds really psychedelic, but it’s just a fancy way of describing how we learn people’s expectations, perspectives, and ways of doing things in order to understand how they think. People with ADHD can struggle to get this right. Without it, they may make a lot of social faux pas.

Learning how to love someone with ADHD can be perplexing, but as Kyra notes below, it can also be rewarding and fun. The secret is learning when to tolerate and ignore and when to push for accountability. For ADHD person, the secret is to learn how not to overtax others. If you can each get that formula down, the relationship will go a lot better.

Kyra: Having observed several people close to me navigate relationships with an ADHD diagnosis, I know they can be, to put it kindly, challenging.

Any relationship can be difficult, regardless of ADHD, anxiety or all points in between. My father is diagnosed with ADHD, and while we have our ups and downs, we maintain a strong relationship. Since Wes notes the three biggest downs, I’m going to highlight the ups, as I’ve experienced with my dad:

Balance. I am the opposite of ADHD. I worry about and overreact to silly, irrational things and am meticulous to a fault. My dad, on the other hand, is more absentminded. This combination actually helps us put daily situations into perspective and even each other out. I learn to care a little less about every little detail. He learns to care a little more.

Spontaneity. ADHD people do not like monotony. So, I spent my early childhood weekends with my dad at the pet store one week and the library the next. Like many anxious people, if I had it my way, I would only ever venture out of carefully regulated routines to participate in carefully regulated activities. ADHD people think less about that and more about creating experiences. We detail-oriented over-thinkers need that every once in awhile.

Innovation. ADHD people can approach tasks and relationships uniquely, offering insights that more anxious people might never have considered. As a project manager, my dad interacts with numerous people for short periods of time. He problem solves big picture issues and guides people through the details. He points me toward more imaginative ways of doing school projects or chores (yea!).

Even though my father cannot complete a BuzzFeed quiz unless it has enough pictures and sometimes forgets to pick up my favorite cereal at the grocery store, we parallel other ADHD-anxious relationships by keeping each other from jumping off our respective ADHD and anxiety cliffs. And that makes any struggle we might have well worth it.

On the Air: To learn more about ADHD and relationships, check out the podcast of Dr. Wes and author Melissa Orlov appearing on yesterday’s edition of Up to Date with Steve Kraske at www.dr-wes.com. They take calls and discuss how people with ADHD can get the most out of relationships and how those who love them can learn to deal with them more effectively.

Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.