LJWorld Reader blogs

Imagine arriving at the home of a relative for a holiday celebration. You see your nephews and nieces playing tag in the backyard, unleashing laughter that permeates the air. The front door opens and the aroma of a tender roast envelops you. Your Aunt, the one who calls you "Cookie," greets you with a hug and a kiss. She tells you how wonderful it is that everyone can be together again.Unfortunately, our image of an ideal family gathering doesn't always match the reality of the visit. What should be a time to celebrate with family can also be a time of increased stress. And while we might look forward to visiting our relatives, we're also aware of the tension that sometimes accompanies the visit.So how do you keep the tension down and the season merry? Here are a few tips you can use to stay sane at your next family gathering. SET BOUNDARIESMike Black, a counselor with the DCCCA center, defines a boundary as "a personal definition of what's comfortable and uncomfortable" in a social setting. Black adds that because psychological and social boundaries are unique to each individual, it's important to communicate them with family members. If you are uncomfortable discussing religion or politics, for instance, than you'll need to say so if pressed to air your views, or just tactfully change the subject.The purpose of a boundary, then, is to let certain things into our lives while keeping other things out. But be sure to seek a balance, too. If your boundaries are too weak you'll feel like a doormat, and your resentment will grow proportionally. If your boundaries are too rigid, you'll risk alienating others by shutting them out. You'll build up feelings of loneliness and isolation as a result. The healthy alternative is to not only have well-defined boundaries of what you consider acceptable and unacceptable behavior, but also to be flexible enough to let go of the little things when they occur.LET GO OF ITAuthor Elaine St. James talks about "letting go" of expectations you believe other people have of you that may be too rigid or unrealistic. She adds that often what you think are other peoples' expectations of you are the ones you conjure up for yourself. They are expectations that reside only in your mind. For example, you don't have to bring the most expensive gift or cook like Julia Child. No one expects it. Conversely, the host doesn't need to decorate the home like Martha Steward.And remember, children will be excited over the holidays. Accept it and give them some slack. It might be tempting to discipline someone else's child for what you consider rude behavior, but think again. Unless there is an immediate threat of danger, you probably shouldn't assume the role of surrogate parent. Instead, share your concern with the child's parents. While you might not agree with their solution, you'll respect their boundaries and avoid a possible rift.GET SOME FRESH AIRThe American Psychological Association (APA) estimates that as many as 85% of all patient visits to doctors are stress related. As it turns out, one of the best antidotes to stress is fresh air. Getting outdoors and breathing in the extra oxygen can measurably increase your blood circulation and decrease your anxiety.Local musicians Soren and Kristen Larsen get their dose of fresh air when they slip away for a walk between dinner and dessert."It's become an accepted tradition when we're at my parents for Christmas," said Kristen. "And we enjoy the cold air and natural setting." They suggest, however, that you limit a walk to about thirty minutes. Anything longer, according to the Larsens, and you risk a gentle reprimand for holding up dessert.ASK TO HELP OUTOne sure-fire way to reduce anxiety at a gathering is to get involved with preparation or cleanup tasks. A Topeka professional I know offers to clean the dishes at his mother-in-law's every holiday. He says when you have twenty relatives gathered in a small, single-story farmhouse for the day, there's always a potential for some tension. Keeping busy with a task is a good way for him to stay on his best behavior. By turning his attention to a specific task, he's able to shift focus from his anxiety and relax with his family.SEE AS A CHILD SEESScientist and author Rachel Carson wrote The Sense of Wonder in 1952 to describe how a child's world "is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement." She asserts that for a child to nurture a sense of wonder into adulthood, he or she needs "at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering:the joy, excitement and mystery of the world with live in."What better way to reduce stress than by telling stories, playing games, making crafts or drawing pictures at the next family gathering? Not only will the children have fun, they'll also enjoy an adult who spends time with them. Plus, you'll rediscover what it's like to lose yourself in the fun and creativity of play.BE A FIRST-RATE GUESTDon't forget your manners during the family visit. Syndicated columnist and etiquette guru Mary Mitchell suggests a few basics that apply whenever you are invited to visit someone's home, especially a relative's home."Remember to say 'please' and 'thank you,' and 'you're welcome,' and 'excuse me,'" said Mitchell. In short, treat your relatives with respect.Also, remember to bring a small gift to the host when you arrive. Keep it inexpensive under $25 and think of something specific to the occasion: A poinsettia plant for the fireplace mantle, a plate of the family's favorite cookies, or a good supply of grandmother's favorite Earl Gray breakfast tea.Finally, don't get so comfortable that you overstay your welcome. The more you extend the golden rule to family members, the more likely you'll be treated with respect and kindness in return.Now find a quiet place and dim the lights. Lie back in your favorite chair, breathe deeply, and close your eyes. Imagine the family gathering again: Can you hear the children laughing? Can you smell the roast? Can you see your Aunt smiling at you, her arms outstretched? It's that time again, and now with a few simple tips, you're ready to start the celebration.