It is no secret that I only pretend to enjoy sports for the party aspect. I religiously attend tailgate parties, wherein I bring food, wear the appropriate colors, and even stare blankly at the TV screen that is set up under the canopy for those who do not have tickets to the game. I cheer when the others cheer.

Sometimes, I even attend a sporting event in real life. I have been to several Royals games, two Chiefs games, and countless KU football and basketball games. I was a high school cheerleader, for crying out loud.

But really, people, to this day, I wouldn’t know an onsides kick if it nailed me in my big, old, gaping maw. Because, you see, for me, it’s about food. And fellowship, of course. But really, food. If I am going to sit through a football game, there damn well better be a hotdog being crammed into my mouth. And what is tailgating except an excuse to drink beer in the daylight (before noon, even!) and eat barbeque?

People, I have not missed a Superbowl watch party since 1986. I have “watched” every Superbowl, every year, since I was old enough to find a friend with a TV and a couch who would invite me and my bag of chips over.

And yet, I am hard pressed to remember a single game, a single winner, a single exciting play.

Some people remember the commercials, or the half-time show. And of course, there are the standouts in that category, like the old wardrobe malfunction, and the Bud-Weis-Er frogs of yore.

But for me, it’s the food. For years, I pretended to care about the game. I didn’t want my date or my friends to know that I didn’t even know who was in the Superbowl before I walked into the room and saw what people were wearing. I didn’t want them to know that I didn’t know what a tight end did and I didn’t want to appear bored with the game, even though I found every excuse possible to wander around the kitchen or start up a game of chicken scratch during the party.

But this year, all that changed. This year, I found Superbowl Nirvana.

Lindsey and I came clean. Neither of us could give a half a flip about the game. For us, it is about food and drink and fellowship. So we sent our husbands to their respective watch parties where they could belly buck and high five with someone who cares. And us? We decided to have an unabashed White Trash Food Fest, complete with Rotel Dip, little smokies, and armadillo balls.

What is an armadillo ball, you ask? Well, I’m so happy you did. It’s my New Favorite Thing. I think you’ll understand why.

An armadillo ball is a jalapeno popper, encased in meat. Namely, sausage.

Technically, I think you’re supposed to call them armadillo eggs, but I think balls has a nicer ring to it, don’t you?

To make these little delicacies, begin by preheating your oven to 375 degrees and cleaning 6 jalapenos. Slice them open, scoop out the seeds and guts, and then cut them in half again. This will leave you with (oh, I was told there would be no math) 24 jalapeno quarters.

Spray a cookie sheet with cooking spray and set it out for your assembly area.

Next, make your filling. Combine a brick of cream cheese (room temp), a cup of cheddar cheese, shredded, a healthy sprinkling of fresh cilantro, a teaspoon of cumin, a teaspoon of garlic powder, a teaspoon of chili powder (trust me, just do it), salt and pepper. Stir that up and then fill each quarter of jalapeno with the mixture.

http://www.lawrence.com/users/meganstuke/photos/2011/feb/8/207509/

Lastly, cover each one in sausage. I did some this time with breakfast sausage and some with Italian sausage. Both were delicious, but I have to say the Italian sausage brought a little more to the party. Form a little disk out of about two tablespoons of meat, set your jalapeno quarter in the center, and then just sort of push the sausage up and around until the whole thing is encased. Voila!

Now, bake them for about 18 minutes. Likely, some of the cheese will escape. Not to worry. I just scraped up the leaked cheese with the balls and plopped it all in a bowl together. Nary a wasted bit.

Armadillo Eggs (or balls)
2 lbs sausage (recommended: Italian) removed from casings
6 jalapenos
1 block cream cheese
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon chili powder
salt and pepper

I also whipped up a little cooling dipping sauce, easy peasy. Because the meat and cheese alone are JUST NOT ENOUGH.

2 tablespoon milk
2 tablespoon mayo
2 tablespoon sour cream
1 tablespoon lime juice
1 clove garlic, minced
2 tablespoon chopped fresh cilantro
1 tablespoon dried Ranch mix
salt and pepper

Now my husband is a true football fan, so I sent him off to watch the game unencumbered by a baby and a bored wife. And for his fellow fans, I sent our favorite shrimp appetizer, made famous by my prior roommate and bastardized beyond recognition by myself.

It’s so easy, it’s embarrassing. But it’s delicious and pretty and puts on a more sophisticated show than the balls o’ meat and cheese I took to my food fest.

Confetti Shrimp

2 lbs largeish shrimp, peeled and deveined
2 jalapenos
1/2 green pepper
1/2 red pepper
1/4 cup chopped red onion
1/4 cup lime juice (divided)
2 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
2 tablespoon olive oil
2 tablespoon juice from a jar of pickled jalapenos
1/4 cup cilantro (divided)
dash of garlic powder
salt and pepper

Marinate the peeled shrimp in half the lime juice, the olive oil, red pepper flakes, one minced clove of garlic, the jalapeno juice, one diced fresh jalapeno, half the cilantro, salt and pepper for at least an hour, no more than three hours.

http://www.lawrence.com/users/meganstuke/photos/2011/feb/8/207510/

In the meantime, dice up your red and green pepper, the onion, the second jalapeno, the other clove of garlic, and the rest of the cilantro.

http://www.lawrence.com/users/meganstuke/photos/2011/feb/8/207511/

Then pour the shrimp and the marinade into a skillet and saute over medium heat until all the shrimp are pink. Do not overcook them! When they turn pink, remove them immediately from the heat.

http://www.lawrence.com/users/meganstuke/photos/2011/feb/8/207512/

With a slotted spoon, remove the shrimp from the saute pan and put them in your serving dish. Add the fresh ingredients, and dust everything with salt, pepper, a tiny bit of garlic powder, and a couple of squeezes of lime juice. Chill, and serve.

http://www.lawrence.com/users/meganstuke/photos/2011/feb/8/207513/

I will not apologize for my lack of interest in Sunday’s game. Mr. Meat and Potatoes did seem a little disappointed that the baby and I didn’t join him for his party, but I had visions of him having fun and me playing babysitter and all that pretending to watch the game is just exhausting. This way, everybody wins. I believe a new Superbowl tradition has been born, and it will forever involve Velveeta and armadillo balls and utter and unabashed disregard for whatever is happening on the television.