More Dating Questions!

Posted by Passionatelibra June 22, 2009 at 4:34 p.m.

I was pleasantly surprised by the reaction to my last blog. Not just the comments and advice on the blog but by the private messages I received behind the scenes. There are a lot more singles out there, of all ages, that either had questions that were answered by the blog or they still have questions not yet expressed. Some were wondering if I would be willing to get some answers. So I decided to do an informal survey of both genders. I asked them one simple question:

If you could ask a man (or woman) any five (5) questions about dating, whether it is about meeting someone to date or anything about going out on a date, what would they be?

I decided to post the top 5 questions (that weren’t answered previously) and get general public opinion on them. I’m interested in what you think. So here they are:

From the women:

What kind of atmosphere would be best for getting to know someone? (i.e. coffeshop, movie, bar, friend's house, etc.)
What would be the first thing that would attract your attention? Eyes, smile, voice, clothes, figure, etc.
Who do you want to make the first move, you or her?
Do you ask a woman out simply to have sex or for possible companionship (getting to know her which might lead to sex)?
Why is it, if a man has sex on the first date he’s just being a guy but if a woman does, she’s a slut?

From the men:

How do I approach a woman without being labeled a jerk? (i.e. compliment on clothes, jerk. Buy a drink, jerk. Say she’s pretty, jerk.)
Do they really think they are fooling someone by eating so little during a date? (Just a side salad with no dressing and you’re stuffed? Really??)
Why do most women insist on acting like someone they aren’t?
Why do women chase the “bad boys” but run from the “good guys”?
Why is it difficult to be ready on time? Do you really think I like sitting on your couch with your pet and/or roommate staring at me? Do you not realize that it’s rude?

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schula (anonymous) says…

In response to the question 5 from the men: Why is it so difficult for you to be on time when picking us up?
June 22, 2009 at 4:58 p.m.
The_Original_Bob (anonymous) says…

Booze.
June 22, 2009 at 5:03 p.m.
RETICENT_IRREVERENT (Ronaldo Ignacio) says…

I'm with T_O_B, but remember...
There is a secret language of booze, when you place your order, you open a window onto your very soul, revealing not only who you are, but also who you long to be:
Martini - you appreciate the finer things in life.
Gin and Tonic - You appreciate the simple things in life.
Boilermaker - You appreciate knowing where your pants are.
Bloody Mary - You enjoy music, long walks on the beach, and the occasional stabbing spree.
Cosmopolitan - You didn’t start drinking until after your first divorce, and didn’t start really enjoying it until after your second.
Fuzzy Navel - You’re comfortable with who you are, but you’re the only one.
Gimlet - Something about your personality makes otherwise normal people use words like “bounder” and “cad.”
Green Tea Martini - You believe in sustainable living, except for that time you backed over a baby seal in your Passat.
Harvey Wallbanger - You, or someone a lot like you, will inspire Alcoholics Anonymous to abandon the twelve-step program in favor of indiscriminate Tasing.
Lime Rickey - You have no real love for the drink itself, but for reasons known only to yourself, you enjoy the suffering of limes.
Jägerbomb - High school was the best six years of your life.
Long Island Iced Tea - No matter how old you are, at some level, you’re still afraid your parents are going to catch you drinking.
Mai Tai - You’re attracted to exotic people and places, but not enough to get a passport.
Manhattan - You’re witty, sophisticated, and not at all jealous that the oafs pounding down Jell-O shots at the other end of the bar are getting all the best trim.
Margarita - All of your relationships have either begun or ended at a wet t-shirt contest.
Mimosa - There’s a song in your heart and diet pills in your purse.
Mint Julep - You own your own dueling pistols and aren’t afraid to use them.
Orgasm - You consider yourself too classy to order a Blow Job, but not classy enough to order a Sex on the Beach.
Piña Colada - You’re 50% lady, 50% tramp, and 50% wig.
Raging Bull - You’re indestructible, and you’re going to prove it as soon as this kick-ass song is over, just wait.
Sidecar - No one is accusing you of anything, but you’ve buried a suspiciously large number of husbands.
Singapore Sling - You learned to drink from your mother.
Tequila Slammer - You’re down-to-earth. Usually face-down.
Tom Collins - You aspire to a life of quiet dignity, but will settle for a life of quiet desperation.
Zombie - No matter what people say, you’re getting along just fine without long-term memory.
So know your cocktails and order with care, or you might send the wrong message.
June 22, 2009 at 5:39 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

1. How do I approach a woman without being labeled a jerk? (i.e. compliment on clothes, jerk. Buy a drink, jerk. Say she’s pretty, jerk.)
I like sports, the Red Sox, I love football and I have men friends that I talk about this with. I also have a man friend that I talk Aubrey/Maturin with and art history. But then at my age I just see men as people. I don't assume motive or that they are lying.
2. Do they really think they are fooling someone by eating so little during a date? (Just a side salad with no dressing and you’re stuffed? Really??)
Take me to dinner and I assure you I will not be eating a salad. I will also be having desert.
3. Why do most women insist on acting like someone they aren’t?
No, idea. But it might be that when you act like yourself others jump down your throat. Just being yourself is not the fast path to happiness or impressing others.
4. Why do women chase the “bad boys” but run from the “good guys”?
The Wolverine was fasinating, I will always love Jack Sparrow and follow him to the ends of the earth, Hell Boy, charmer really, are those the kind of bad boys you meant. I would not go for a scofflaw. "Good guys" are often bland.
5. Why is it difficult to be ready on time? Do you really think I like sitting on your couch with your pet and/or roommate staring at me? Do you not realize that it’s rude?
I am always on time. But, I have to say, if you don't like my cat you don't like me. I wouldn't have the kind of roommate that sat and stared at someone.
Buy me a Colt 45 and talk football with me. That would make me happy.
June 22, 2009 at 5:47 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

reticent_irreverent What does Colt 45 say?
June 22, 2009 at 5:50 p.m.
RETICENT_IRREVERENT (Ronaldo Ignacio) says…

Bring bail money and don’t try to fight cops while handcuffed.

Everyone’s had a Colt .45 night. It’s the kind where anything goes, from dusk ‘til the break of dawn.
June 22, 2009 at 5:53 p.m.
The_Original_Bob (anonymous) says…

R_I -

What about bourbon and coke?
June 22, 2009 at 6:03 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

Stoli vodka and strawberry kool aid? While watching all the Mad Max movies back to back?
June 22, 2009 at 6:22 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

I had a friend e-mail me his answers. He doesn't have a logon name (and doesn't really want one) so I am going to post them for him.
***
In response to the women's questions...

1.) In my experience, the best place to get to know someone is in isolation, usually at each others homes, cooking dinner, listening to music, and watching movies. There's something a little more special about preparing a meal with someone, it eases the tension and opens up plenty of conversation starters. And when the meal is done, it's a huge payoff for the both of you.

Another good environment to get to know someone is around friends. It eases the pressure of constant conversation and allows your friends (and hers) to offer insight to each others character.

2.) Her smile, hands down. It's the unspoken, "Hey, I like you..." or that they at least approve of your presence.

3.) Her, just because the guy is always expected to do it. He has to ask her out, he has to take her out, he has to buy, he has to be a gentlemen, and then he has to make the first move...come on ladies! I'm usually very reserved and walking on eggshells around a potential girlfriend, I don't want to mess it up! I've already asked you out, you know I like you, if I didn't I wouldn't be wasting my time! If you want it, come and get it...there will be no objection.

4.) The majority of relationships start from physical attraction, so I'd be lying if I said I didn't ask a women out in the hope of having sex with her...eventually. But that's not my ultimate goal, everybody wants a companion and everybody wants sex, it's natural. Sex comes and goes, but asking another out usually signifies that you want to really know them, that you want a lasting relationship, and that you want to give yourself the chance to like (or even love) someone.

5.) Good question, but its a cultural and psychological thing. Males have an innate sense of ownership when it comes to sex, it's masculinity, just as a lion lays claim to a kill (to put it crudely)...they feel the need to care for "their" mate, and it's been that way for thousands of years.

I had a psychology professor tell my class years ago that males were not considered "sluts" because they are able to mate late into life, capable of spawning hundreds of children, whereas a women's reproductive clock runs out much sooner...So, the unconscious mind defers a male's taste in a particular woman if she has been labeled a slut because she has ultimately been "used" by another. (Just a thoughtful insight from a class, not my opinion)
June 22, 2009 at 6:51 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

schula - people being late in general drives me nuts. Business or social, be on time! My Mom taught me that. I hate being late and I try my best not to be. I don't always succeed but more times than not, I do.
June 22, 2009 at 7:09 p.m.
RETICENT_IRREVERENT (Ronaldo Ignacio) says…

T_O_B,
While Bourbon and coke is THE tailgate drink of choice, bourbon should always be served neat.
June 22, 2009 at 7:09 p.m.
notjustastudent (anonymous) says…

1) Be honest- don't buy a drink immediately (because if you haven't talked to me yet, how do you know you'll like me- get it?), or ask "where's your boyfriend?" or some other cheesey line. Start with your name (this is most important to me), give us a good handshake, and tell us why you came to talk. I for one love being told that I look good- in a tasteful, honest way. Most guys don't know a lot about fashion, so please don't pretend you do. However, if you like the color of my shirt because it brings out the blue in my eyes, say it!
2) I know what some of you are thinking about my answer to #1- it's hard to be yourself when you're nervous/trying to impress a girl. Guess what? We get nervous too! I don't know about you, but when I'm nervous I can lose my appetite. It usually doesn't stop me on a date, though...
3) See the above answer...
4) Irish had it right- bad boys are more interesting. I think it could also have something to do with a woman's desire to nurture. Far too many times I've heard a girl say something about whipping her man into shape, or that he'll grow out of it, etc. etc. She may also think that he'll fall madly in love with her, which he might, and that alone will tame him, which it won't. I know some girls that question good guys because they may actually be bad guys- you would think that would mean some attraction would occur, but no, they'd rather deal with a guy that I.S. a jerk instead of one that M.I.G.H.T be a jerk.
5) Not that this is really an excuse for making anyone in any situation wait, but I think the nerves play a role in this as well. I at least let a guy (or anyone) know ahead of time if I'm not going to be ready on time, so that they don't have to deal with awkwardness.
June 22, 2009 at 7:09 p.m.
autie (anonymous) says…

TOB, do you have a one track mind?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wFpvR...
June 22, 2009 at 8:19 p.m.
Pywacket (anonymous) says…

Okay, I'll play. Here are my answers to the men's questions.

1) If you approach a woman, pay her a sincere compliment or offer her a drink and she labels you a jerk, thank her. She's just saved you a lot of time in revealing up-front that SHE is a jerk. Now, instead of wasting time on her, you can move along and find someone who will appreciate your friendly overture. When I used to go out, even if I wasn't looking and wasn't interested in a man, I would reply in a friendly way. How much does it cost to be nice to someone who's summoned the courage to approach a stranger?

2) As a woman who is more honest than that, I always wondered the same thing. When I waited tables in my youth, we used to make a game of figuring out what was going on at our various tables. When the woman ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, then picked at it, we figured it was a first date. Maybe they're more shy than deceptive.

3) Another one I don't get, but men do it as much as women do. If you pretend to be someone you're not, how are you going to attract someone who will love you for who you are? It's far more strategic to be completely open about who you are. If they see all your flaws and annoying habits and are still interested (and vice versa), you're probably well suited to each other.

4) First, a lot of the people who think of themselves as "good guys" may not appear that way to others. Second, and more to the point: that's easy silly! Bad boys have a lot of experience and have learned many skills. Need I say more? ;-)

5) See #3. I have never been on time for anything in my life and never will. I'd be deceptive if I made a superhuman effort to be on time for a first date (or the first 10), then let you realize later that I'd be late for everything else, including my own funeral.

Not to say that I don't try to be on time (I truly do), but I think I have a defective time gene. Consider it a moment of honesty. The kind of man who hates women who aren't punctual will run after the first date. The man who is unconcerned (and is maybe late himself--blessed relief!) is the man I will be most compatible with. (That's my philosophy. In reality--I married that guy who doesn't care much and is often late himself. And who enjoyed communing with the pets or having a drink while waiting.)
June 22, 2009 at 9:14 p.m.
BigPrune (anonymous) says…

I'm amazed out how easy women have become. I never had it easy when I was younger chasing the girls, now it seems like quite a few women throw themselves at me, and I've never experienced this before when I was young, lean, in shape, and much better looking. Could it be my wedding band? Could it be that I tip the dancers more generously?

:)
June 22, 2009 at 10:25 p.m.
tangential_reasoners_anonymous (anonymous) says…

Summary answer: Get a room.

( ... with a view... then draw the drapes. )
June 22, 2009 at 10:42 p.m.
tangential_reasoners_anonymous (anonymous) says…

... er... sketch the drapes.
June 22, 2009 at 11:03 p.m.
Music_Girl (anonymous) says…

1) Observe me long enough to pick up on something that interests me. If I'm at a bar watching a ball game with friends and enjoying a beer, say something about the game. If I'm at a coffee shop reading a book, ask me what my book is about. Get beyond my physical attributes and notice something else.
2) Surprisingly I don't eat that much. Though I do prefer dressing on my salad and yes I really like salad...eggs, dressing, croutons..mmmmm. When I go out I often times get an appetizer instead of a full meal because I was brought up not to waste and there is no way I could eat a full dinner at most restaurants.
3) Why do men act like something they aren't? In the beginning of a potential relationship, we but on our best face and our best behavior. That is pretty natural. Now pretending to be a successful artist when your mom is the only one who has ever purchased your art or something is just ridiculous. Being as honest as possible (excluding unnecessary details and the name and profession of every guy you've ever dated) is always the best policy. Everyone has a past, hiding it doesn't make it less a part of you.
4) I don't get this either. I have never really been attracted to "bad boys" probably because I don't like being the center of attention and I don't like excessively loud people. I do think it could have something to do with "good guys" tend to be less aggressive and therefore aren't as "noticed" as the "bad boys". Other than that, I have no insight for that one!
5) I am proud to say that I have never been more than 5 minutes "late" on a date unless I got stuck in traffic meeting him somewhere in which case he is only sitting at the restaurant or wherever enjoying a drink or appetizer until I get there. I generally aim to be ready about 15 minutes before he is supposed to pick me up because in the chance case that he is early I don't want to keep him waiting. If a man has enough courtesy to pick me up at my house, he deserves for me to at least be ready on time. I think some women lose track of how long it really takes to get ready or the outfit they had picked out suddenly isn't ok and then they spend extra time on something they thought they had figured out. Guess what, he asked you out. He is obviously into you. He doesn't care whether your shirt is pink or blue. He doesn't care if you wear your cool flip flops or your shiny ballet flats.

Dating is hard enough without people being rude.

In response to the guy's first question. I like to go somewhere relatively quiet where you can have decent conversation. It is nice to be able to do something though because I think guys loosen up when they don't have to focus totally on conversation and whether they're eating with their mouth closed, etc. I like going bowling or playing pool or going on a walk because you are being active and it often times gives you the opportunity to talk about a wide variety of things.
June 23, 2009 at 9:02 a.m.
Music_Girl (anonymous) says…

What does wine say about a person?
Sex on the beach?
Tequila sunrise?
June 23, 2009 at 9:08 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

notjustastudent – thank you for your insight! Especially with the bad boy question. The desire to nurture never even occurred to me.

Pywacket – thank you for playing! I need to find the bad boys you may have played with. The ones I ended up with were so self involved that their skills were mostly talk and sorely lacking… ;oP~

As for being late, my Son’s father is always late. Always. When we were dating he wasn’t, but as he got older he started getting later and later. When it comes to family functions we tell him it starts at least an hour before it really does. Then he’s usually only 30 minutes late!

BigPrune – I am guessing both. You are now a generous challenge! ;o)

Music_Girl – thank you for taking the time to answer the questions! When it comes to the second question (about eating on a date), it depends on what restaurant we go to. I tend to be more reserved if it’s a place I’ve never been to before. Nothing worse than ordering the usual and then discovering you dislike the way they prepare it.

I love the idea of an active date because 1) I am trying to be more active 2) I don’t have to stare at someone across a table and wonder what the heck am I going to say. I struggle with small talk until I get to know someone. Then you can’t shut me up!
June 23, 2009 at 10:03 a.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

I don't think of bad boys in terms of them being a jerk. I am influenced by movies, James Dean, Marlon Brando, Steve McQueen, the Magnificent Seven, etc.
Men who go against the status quo and think for themselves.
June 23, 2009 at 10:47 a.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

From the men:

How do I approach a woman without being labeled a jerk? (i.e. compliment on clothes, jerk. Buy a drink, jerk. Say she’s pretty, jerk.)
** i have always prized sincerity when it comes to being approached (well in life period but we're talking about dating and such right now). if a man approaches me and doesn't seem like he is trying to put up a facade, front, fake, perpetrate, whatever, i appreciate that. now if he sincerely wants sex and approaches me that way, well, he may not like what my answer is but i as long as he isn't crude in the way he asks, i won't completely verbally castrate him.

Do they really think they are fooling someone by eating so little during a date? (Just a side salad with no dressing and you’re stuffed? Really??)
** i don't eat a little. i don't gorge myself either. hey-- if we are going to have steak and a baked potato, if that food is tasting good to me and i am hungry, i am going to EAT. maybe that's just me tho...

Why do most women insist on acting like someone they aren’t?
** wow. and i think that alot of guys do the same thing... i guess it all has to do w/ marketing 101. give the audience what they want. and i guess folks think they have to embellish, exaggerate, underplay or outright lie sometimes in order to make themselves look "marketable".

Why do women chase the “bad boys” but run from the “good guys”?
** the only thing i can say to this is that women can be stupid. yeh, i said it, and i am not about to lose my PMS priviledges because of it! i know that i don't like whiney guys. guys who are OVER sensitive and cry at hallmark card commercials (one of my exes cried at the goof troop movie.... yep.). but damn, men are people too! if a fella wants to watch lifetime television sometimes, i ain't mad at him. i think the bad guys have a "swagger" to them that makes them attractive to women but once you get past that and see that most of them are childish (and not in a cute way), irresponsible and inconsiderate, that swagger loses all of its luster.

Why is it difficult to be ready on time? Do you really think I like sitting on your couch with your pet and/or roommate staring at me? Do you not realize that it’s rude?
** seriously, i am a very punctual person. so i am not sure why folks aren't on time-- especially the ones who are chronically very late. i have a couple of friends like that and it drives me crazy. and yes, its very rude. i agree.
June 23, 2009 at 12:40 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Thank you for sharing honeychild! How does someone lose their PMS privelages? I would love to lose that whole aspect of being a woman... ;oP~
June 23, 2009 at 4:51 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Wow. I can't spell...privilege
June 23, 2009 at 4:53 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

that's okay PL,
I'm always having trouble spelling 'priviledje' too.

tomorrow I'll give some answers to the questions.

Wow, Libra, this is quite a blog! apparently many people are funnelling their dating frustrations to you. you are serving quite a function here.

I love RI's drink list and what it says.
okay RI, how about:
Taquila and water? when I drank, that was my most common drink.

***
I just put up the blog I mentioned to you Libra:
Posters' Personals Confidential.
interactive personals.
June 24, 2009 at 12:58 a.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

through the magic of modern computing and the interweb, I think this time the link for my new blog will magicly appear when I hit control-V...
http://www2.ljworld.com/weblogs/beard...
June 24, 2009 at 1:04 a.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

i don't know exactly HOW a chick loses her PMS priviledges. i was told that if i betray my gender i will lose them... mind you, that doesn't mean that i will lose my period. i will just lose carte blanche to bitch, moan, belly-ache, complain, rant, rave and cuss folks out when its that time of the month. now what woman in her right mind would give THAT up? and be able to excuse our actions away on hormones? you have to admit, that's a perk. however, i don't personally feel that by saying that alot of females are stupid in the area of guys is a betrayal. i guess its all subjective.
June 24, 2009 at 8:41 a.m.
Music_Girl (anonymous) says…

honeychild, I have heard so much about the whole PMS thing and honestly I don't understand it. I don't know if that betrays my gender or not haha. Personally I like to sleep a little more and maybe spend a little more quiet time alone but over all I don't change hardly at all during "that time" and I think I'm lucky judging by comments I've heard from other women! I think the wine might also help a bit haha.
June 24, 2009 at 8:53 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

honeychild and Music_Girl - So, if I understand correctly, if I lose my PMS privileges I can no longer be myself? Bitch, moan, belly-ache, complain... My counselor would no longer be able to afford her new car! ;o)

I don't have PMS, I have "hell day" which, as I get older, is quickly becoming "hell dayS". I am ultra sensitive (yep, more so than usual), quite impatient (yep, more so than usual again) and I want chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate :oD

All I have to do is tell my Son it's hell day and all the sudden he wants to stay that night at various friend's houses. Maybe I should start drinking whine. If not for myself than maybe for my child ;oP~
June 24, 2009 at 2:12 p.m.
autie (anonymous) says…

uh..a little minor point there libra...uh..stay away from discussing the 28 day cycles of the moon. Men don't like to talk about lunar events. Or anything else that revolves around 28 days, unless it is a tee time or the almanac says the fish are biting.
June 24, 2009 at 6:30 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Wow,
Musicgirl you are lucky.

***
here are my answers to the five questions for men. in the next post I'll respond to the five questions for women, having been married sixteen years.

1. What kind of atmosphere would be best for getting to know someone? (i.e. coffeshop, movie, bar, friend's house, etc.)
---ladies, if its the first time, don't have him to your house, even if you have others there. Honestly, some of my male brethren really are pigs, or jerks and have earned that label appropriately. If he's cleared the first meeting, maybe you know some people who know him, I agree with the poster who said cook a meal together. I'd say any activity you do *together* such as a board game or card game, take a walk, build something together (guys mostly like to build things and they're more at ease with something to do with their hands). plus, if you say to him "would you help me build this doghouse? it feels pretty darned good to him, too!

2. What would be the first thing that would attract your attention? Eyes, smile, voice, clothes, figure, etc.
---none of these, well somewhat voice. I'm looking and listening to see how comfortable she is with herself. the women I love in my life have *intelligence* whit and have some achievements. I also am looking for personal values. plus, perfume does work: better not be overpowering or unusually artificial smelling. Patchouli is of course right out!

3. Who do you want to make the first move, you or her?
---that would be me, traditional. however, I definitely want to know my attentions are welcome! and at the beginning, she can do lots of things to get my attention or let me know she's interested, like just talking together!

4. Do you ask a woman out simply to have sex or for possible companionship (getting to know her which might lead to sex)?
---okay, twenty plus years ago I'd have answered the first, get under her skirt. But I know now there's a lot of time outside of sex, and some mutual interests, compatibility, sharing, mutual support, are all vital. A passionate woman is a beautiful woman, in bed and out.

5. Why is it, if a man has sex on the first date he’s just being a guy but if a woman does, she’s a slut?
---old societal values, plus there's the assumption that a slut somehow likes sex, and in the old conceptions a woman shouldn't enjoy sex. now, I would only have such a relationship if there were mutual monogamy.
I am a Christian and submit myself to God's authority, and that extends to how I treat a woman in my life, and what is appropriate in that relationship. I am the old fashioned kind who also thinks that women are tenderer than men and deserve care, protection and respect. Women have a most particular beauty, well most women.
June 24, 2009 at 11:08 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

your five questions for women. I've been married sixteen years.
1. How do I approach a woman without being labeled a jerk? ...
---just try to be real. many women are reacting to men doing obvious come-on lines! Instead of trying to get a "good line" and treat her like a football game, just notice something real about her, or where she is. or, instead of starting with the examples here, start with revealing something *nonthreatening* about yourself, i.e. "I like it here and come for the shrimp." if that's true.

2. Do they really think they are fooling someone by eating so little during a date? (Just a side salad with no dressing and you’re stuffed? Really??)
---now, you're starting to sound like a jerk, especially if you're doing the traditional thing and *you* are taking her out, paying for dinner. 1-she doesn't know you yet, and eating much in front of a stranger might be embarrassing to her, or 2-she's thinking of your bill and is trying to *be respectful of your expense! 3-don't worry about what she does or doesn't eat, if you do, its a bad sign! 4-if you want to treat her like an equal, start here, she's an adult, its her choice. 5-perhaps you made a poor choice of restaurant, and should have discussed her likes and dislikes in a restaurant first.

3. Why do most women insist on acting like someone they aren’t?
---they're nervous, and they want to make a good impression. the same reason you put on a clean shirt and clean jeans for the first time this week just for this date.

4. Why do women chase the “bad boys” but run from the “good guys”?
---question vexing men throughout human history. I've wondered the same thing! "bad boys" in my book doesn't mean rebels as described in earlier posts. but the "bad boys" are the shadey ones, the ones always running a game, the ones who often *aren't trusted by their fellow guys. Sometimes I think the really fine ladies take these rotten fruit because they think they can't do better. or, they want to "help" them, they feel sorry for them. I also think that often men detect things in their fellow men that women miss until they get a few months into a relationship.

5. Why is it difficult to be ready on time? Do you not realize
that it’s rude?
---!*! Oh Gawd! I got news for ya' boys! I've been married 16 years, and Mrs. Gnome is perhaps *worse* than at the beginning! For women the jewelry, clothes, purse, shoes, maybe coat, sunglasses, makeup, are all part of some very complex formula that science has yet to crack.
your date is probably nervous and wants to make a good impression, but to her being late doesn't mean what it means to you. for us men it is rude, like breaking an agreement. for women the whole concept of time has different meaning I'm convinced and being late isn't so important, she's concentrating on what you think when you first see her. there's a hundred messages she has to fine tune.
June 24, 2009 at 11:41 p.m.
Menazort (anonymous) says…

What kind of people spend the amount of time generating these comments?
June 25, 2009 at 12:08 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

autie - Thank you for the advice. I will try to steer clear from anything to do with bodily functions of any sort :o) Honestly, I thought this blog was pretty much dead so no harm in writing bluntly. I now know better for next time! :o)
June 25, 2009 at 8:10 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Gnome – I love your idea about building something together. It would have to be 2 something’s (maybe birdhouses?) otherwise I would probably end up hogging the hammer. My Dad would take me to work with him (he worked construction) and I learned to love swinging a hammer. I was told once that I don’t make a man feel needed and that’s why my love life stinks. But that was the same man who told me he loved dating big girls because it would be harder for them to cheat. *ugh*

How do you let a guy know his attention is welcome without making the first move? I must be doing something wrong because the one I want attention from isn’t getting the hint and the one I don’t want attention from usually thinks I do! :oP

Thank you for taking the time to answer all the questions! Talk about going above and beyond the call of duty!! I don’t agree with all your answers for the female questions, but that’s the beauty of this world, so many different answers to one question. Thanks again Gnome!!
June 25, 2009 at 8:39 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Mulit - LOL
June 25, 2009 at 8:41 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Oooops! Sorry for spelling your name wrong MULTI

:o\
June 25, 2009 at 8:41 a.m.
consumer1 (anonymous) says…

My response to question #5
Women dig bad boys because they know, there is no long term commmittment with them. They are exciting, keep them guessing, Diplay allot of testosterone, and are very self assured, a very alluring trait.
Some women are not looking for the "fairy tale because they know there is no truth in it. Consequently in the 21 century women are impowered and more equall. They are going to try some men on to develop their own judgement of the kind of men they want as opposed to the old ritual of "fear of becoming an old maid" That fear no longer exist until a woman or man reaches their late 30's or early 40's. Women are more independent and are freer to make experimental choices. I dig it for one!!!
.
June 25, 2009 at 8:58 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Thanks for your input consumer! I think that's true for a lot of women.

Nothing ticked me off more than when I realized that I had been fed a bunch of fairy tale b.s. throughout my life. My life wasn't a fairytale growing up but I wanted to believe those books and movies so much! It's what kept the hope alive.

Talk about a reality check...
June 25, 2009 at 9:05 a.m.
KansasPerson (anonymous) says…

If a "good" guy was as noticeably "good" as a bad boy is noticeably bad, the good guy would definitely get the attention. The idea is to stand out from the crowd.

The thing is, most self-labeled "good guys" are really not extraordinarily good. They are mistaking a lack of obvious bad traits as true goodness. In reality, they are just doing what they ought to be doing -- nothing extra -- and I can't blame them for wanting someone to notice that.... BUT.... if a man does something truly good and noble and generous and kind, believe me, it gets noticed. Partly because it's so darn rare.
June 25, 2009 at 10:09 a.m.
consumer1 (anonymous) says…

Kansas person. Good awareness!! Truely good guys, do get noticed. However, Bad guys are rewarded more. They sell more papers, more beer, more clothes, more of everything. It is crazy how our society idolizes self serving ego flaunting JERKS> But, a truely outstanding person like Coach Bob Frederick was an outstanding human being, and well noted for his good works.
June 25, 2009 at 2:27 p.m.
KansasPerson (anonymous) says…

Yes consumer1. And I could name some others, but they are not well-known to the public so it wouldn't make sense. Their humility is just one part of their goodness -- they don't even realize how awesome they are. In all the cases personally known to me of "truly good men" they are happily married and have many friends who are attracted by their integrity and character.
June 25, 2009 at 3:25 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Menazort,
thoughtful, considerate people who care about this society and their fellow humans walking around here, that's who.

***
passionatelibra
(Anonymous) says…

Gnome – I love your idea about building something together. It would have to be 2 something’s (maybe birdhouses?) otherwise I would probably end up hogging
the hammer. My Dad would take me to work with him (he worked construction) and I learned to love swinging a hammer. I was told once that I don’t make a
man feel needed and that’s why my love life stinks. But that was the same man who told me he loved dating big girls because it would be harder for them
to cheat. *ugh*

How do you let a guy know his attention is welcome without making the first move? I must be doing something wrong because the one I want attention from
isn’t getting the hint and the one I don’t want attention from usually thinks I do! :oP

---Hey you're welcome PL, the value of this blog is obvious. and if we help some people avoid trainwreck relationships, or as you or somebody put it "rent-a-wreck" relationships, that's a great thing.

solution: two hammers, or one saws while one hammers, etc. the working together will be very informative. great story of your time with your dad!

yes, I wouldn't expect you to agree with all that I wrote. you haven't been married to a woman for sixteen years, and then before that to another [delusionally jealous violent woman] for seven years. lol.

oh, letting him know his attentions are welcome. that's a good question. some is so very simple "I'm so glad you called" "I'm happy to run into you here." "I like being with you." note the last one is of course more intense.
sometimes body language, looks, sitting closer to him, all communicate that.

the other schlub, well sometimes the princess has to speak in a voice of royalty and tell him to hit the road, I'm not interested in you.

as to that guy who said big girls were less likely to run around, he's full of bull byproduct: big girls can spread it all over town just as effectively. and, if that's why he feels secure with you, give him the big heave-ho right away, he has a seriously defective view of you nd your relationship; you can't build trust on your partner's weight!
June 25, 2009 at 7:39 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

very well said Kansas-Person.

that is a great way to be properly noticed, and the right girl will do the noticing.
June 25, 2009 at 7:44 p.m.
KansasPerson (anonymous) says…

Gnome said:
"as to that guy who said big girls were less likely to run around, he's full of bull byproduct: big girls can spread it all over town just as effectively. and, if that's why he feels secure with you, give him the big heave-ho right away, he has a seriously defective view of you nd your relationship; you can't build trust on your partner's weight!"

THAT'S for sure. Schlub indeed. That's the kind of guy who would object to a lady who started dieting and/or working out because he found it threatening! It's all about him.....
June 25, 2009 at 8:26 p.m.
Music_Girl (anonymous) says…

Gnome and KansasPerson...I actually know a girl who's husband made her quit dieting and made her eat junk food to make her gain her weight back because he thought she would run around on him being thinner. She is a pretty decent sized girl and looked much healthier after she dropped some weight (not super thin, just healthy) and he wouldn't stand for it. It made me sad because for the first time in a long time she actually liked how she looked.
June 26, 2009 at 9:39 a.m.
denak (anonymous) says…

Here is a question..... how do you date when you have kids? And don't men realize that if you ask a single mom out, don't cancel on her. Babysitters are expensive and if you have to cancel, at least do it a hour or two prior to the date so she can cancel before the sitter shows up.
Also, don't get bent out of shape, if she has to cancel because a child is sick. I can't tell you how many guys feel that the woman should put him before her children. And take it personally if she can't go out with him because she has kids and can't drop everything and go out with him that Friday.
June 26, 2009 at 9:48 a.m.
consumer1 (anonymous) says…

denak,
Here is my answer to your question:
Well before you accept a "date" with a guy, get to know them better. Have coffee or soda at someplace casual, during the day while the kids are at school/daycare/wherever. By getting to know the person, you can,
a. let them know in advance your kids come first.
b. find out what kind of person they are.
c. you hold some responsibility for "dating" also.

If you try the above behaviors, you can sort through, the jerks to get to the nice guys who meet your criteria. However, you cannot just blanket blame "men" for 100% of your dating problems. Too many women date Jerks who end up creating problems (hurting their children). Since you have kids and put them first. Then they should be first in your mind. Don't date just because someone ask you out. and set a standard that must be met by them for the safety and proper role model they may be for your children. Find out who they are before you set yourself up for failure. Good luck. Plan ahead for your children.
June 26, 2009 at 10:03 a.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Denak,
sounds like you're better off without such a guy! if he wants you to put him first and you are just at the beginning of the relationship: very big warning sign! he's saying he wants you to be irresponsible. tells you about him

***
Musicgirl,
yes, I've known of such relationships too. I personally think that's a form of abuse.

however, I will add this: my wife has a serious weight issue and sometimes friends and acquaintances talk like I should be pressuring her to eat less. well, I do push for the exercise, but I ain't going to run her diet for her!

it is just as wrong to push a woman to keep weight on "for the relationship" as it is to be the weightloss NAZI with her.
THAT'S for sure. Schlub indeed. That's the kind of guy who would object to a lady who started dieting and/or working out because he found it threatening!
It's all about him…..

"its all about him" you got that right! d----d idiot!
June 26, 2009 at 10:41 a.m.
vinividivici (anonymous) says…

From the men:

1.How do I approach a woman without being labeled a jerk? (i.e. compliment on clothes, jerk. Buy a drink, jerk. Say she’s pretty, jerk.) Be yourself, be humble, and DON'T try to act like someone YOU'RE not!
2. Do they really think they are fooling someone by eating so little during a date? Use the face that they're not eating to get a little insight on them. For example, are they vegetarian and thats the only thing on the menu they can eat? Are they small and legitimately only want a salad? Do they look like they could pack down some food and are putting on a show? Don't however judge them....maybe they're just a little nervous!
3..Why do most women insist on acting like someone they aren’t? You all are on your own for this one....I have no clue. This is why I have very few girl friends!
4.Why do women chase the “bad boys” but run from the “good guys”? Bad boys definitely seem more exciting, but good boys can be just as fantastic. I think its more important to be an interesting personality. The unexpected makes the beginning and length of a relationship constantly exciting!
5.Why is it difficult to be ready on time? Do you really think I like sitting on your couch with your pet and/or roommate staring at me? Do you not realize that it’s rude? It is incredibly rude! I think blatant and repetitive tardiness shows a lack of respect and I do not tolerate it well. Granted if it is unavoidable and infrequent, there are bigger things to discover about a person without dwelling on tardiness.
June 26, 2009 at 10:43 a.m.
denak (anonymous) says…

Consumer,

My post probably came off a little harsher than I intended. I was typing it when I was suppose to have been working.

But I think it is a legitimate question, "How to date when one has children?" "When do you let the guy or gal meet the children?' What about "overnight" visits?" " What about the ex? And what happens if one of the kids hates the guy or gal?"

I'm not "blaming" all men for my "dating problems". I was just throwing out that wiith divorce and single parenting,these issues are a lot more common than one thinks.

Now, to answer question number 4 "Why do women chase the “bad boys” but run from the “good guys”?

I don't think they do. I think this is essentially a stereotype. I think if the woman is over the age of 25, she is looking for a very solid grounded guy. If they are under 25, more than likely they are just looking for some fun.
The reason it seems as if women gravitate towards the "bad boy" is because they know upfront what they are getting. In other words, they are "real." There are a lot of good guys who go out on dates and feign interest in what the woman likes as a way to score points. Or if it is early in the relationship. the guy will go with the girl to the ballet or to go visit her elderly aunt or to the airport to go pick up relatives. None of these things he wants to do but he does them anyway because he is either trying to be polite or he is trying to score. Then when the relationship progresses, he feels comfortable enough to say "no, I don't want to go to the ballet with you" and the girl is wondering why he all of a sudden changed. Like Dr. Phil says, "Keep it Real" If you don't want to go visit her elderly aunt later in the relationship, tell her in the beginning.

Dena
June 26, 2009 at 12:12 p.m.