Over 30 and Trying to Date

Posted by Passionatelibra June 15, 2009 at 12:58 p.m.

After much talk with my female friends I have decided it’s time to start dating again. It’s been several years since I last dated and I’ve recently come to the conclusion that it’s time to start a new chapter in my life. Since I have been out of the dating scene for many years, I did what I do, research.

While I’ve been reading (and tossing aside) some dating advice books, I’ve tried to focus on the ones that don’t seem shallow. One said that I needed to wear make-up to go jogging and if I don’t like my nose to get a doctor to fix it. Another said that if we’re not having sex within a couple of weeks, he’s not interested. Yes, I tossed those two books aside. I have settled on a book that is about dating after a divorce and one that helps a person figure out their dating personality and style. I didn’t know there was different styles or that a person could have a dating personality. I guess I am further out of the loop than I originally thought.

I also decided to ask my single friends and acquaintances what they do. I only asked women that were age 35 and up. I was sad to learn that most of them haven’t dated in over a year. It’s not because they didn’t want to, they just weren’t sure how to go about it either.

The three biggest questions seem to be, “If a woman in her mid 30’s (and older) wants to start dating again in Lawrence Kansas…”

How does she get back out there without spending a lot of money on a makeover?
Where does she go if she doesn’t like to bar hop and doesn’t want to drive to Topeka or KC?
How does she meet other singles without putting a personals ad online?

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justbegintowrite (Ronda Miller) says…

passion,

As a Life Coach, I find one of the things that I work most on with individuals is their "interpersonal relationships". Evey one wants and needs to feel close to another, to feel vitally connected.

Personally, I have met most of the men I have dated through friends in a round about way. My first husband and I met when I was coming out of the bath and he had come over to pick up a cookbook from a room mate. Most of the time I meet someone when I am doing something I love to do and am not looking. I have met a boyfriend by going into an art studio, into a health club, into a bar. Tange and I met online in an unusual manner in the sense that this isn't a dating site.

I suggest the following:

Join clubs that include both sexes and make sure the club, or activity is truly one you feel passionate about - which considering your name should be the easy part.

Make yourself seen - meaning you can't meet someone if you aren't going out in public.

Ask friends to suggest someone they know who might have common interests - or have them ask their boyfriends for the same.

Researching and finding out about yourself is a wonderful thing.

Don't settle, don't put out (wrong vibes or sexuality), and believe in yourself and your self worth.

Most importantly - never give up. There is someone in our world who is a good fit for your world.
June 15, 2009 at 1:11 p.m.
gogoplata (anonymous) says…

Don't be afraid to flirt. Not sexually or trashy but just fun flirting to let a guy know that you are interested. I tended to be a bit more shy. I was certainly no ladies man. The only time I was ever put off by a woman flirting with me was when it was trashy. Some of my friends are even more shy than me so it gives them a bit more confidence to feel like you may be interested.
June 15, 2009 at 1:30 p.m.
The_Original_Bob (anonymous) says…

Booze.
June 15, 2009 at 1:31 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

gogoplata - Thank you for the man's point of view! I tend to be a quiet one myself but quite a few of the ladies I talked with (who should be reading this since I told them I put it up) are very outspoken.

TOB - I thought that only worked for one nighters...
June 15, 2009 at 1:38 p.m.
The_Original_Bob (anonymous) says…

Passionatelibra - It'll help with your shyness. No need to get sloppy drunk.
June 15, 2009 at 1:53 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

TOB - I thought you met get THEM drunk! LMAO Ok, now I'm comprehending better. I rarely drink so when I do it's usually just one. (Not all my pistons are firing today)
June 15, 2009 at 2:03 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

Go to a rodeo. Cowboys are the best. Well, them and Navy SEAL's.
I lived in San Diego and we used to have, oh, I can't think of the word, where you are given a list and have to go out and find the things.
We had to come back with items from sailors.
And, we did.
June 15, 2009 at 2:14 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

OK I'm not a bar hopper but is there even a bar/pub in Lawrence that isn't overran with college aged kids?

Back home, I used to hang out in a hole in the wall place and quickly became a regular. Every other Friday I was at one of the 2 pool tables usually losing some $$ to a sourdough.
June 15, 2009 at 2:23 p.m.
justbegintowrite (Ronda Miller) says…

passion, I would never recommend a bar scene to meet someone for dating...usually not the place to get to know someone. Although The Jazz House comes to mind as a place for all ages.

And if you are shy, the rest of the world is in trouble! ;)

Ask yourself if you are looking for a date or a relationship - huge difference.
June 15, 2009 at 2:55 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

This blog isn't just for me, I have other friends/acquaintances reading it who are also single and trying to get back out there after a long time alone. I don't know if they want to date or a relationship. I thought you had to do one to get the other. :oP~

I am shy until I get comfortable around someone. Remember the guy I hid from because he unexpectedly said hi? Now I have no problem saying hi to him :o) But I think the world is still in trouble!

Right now I am looking to date. I have no clue what will happen in the future but for now, dating sounds like a good starting point!
June 15, 2009 at 3:08 p.m.
SandCoAlmanac (anonymous) says…

Passionatelibra -- I'm interested in what advice you receive on this blog. For those of us who are much older than 35, who mostly work, go home, and then do it all over again the next day, your discussions might help us, too. It would be nice to have a non-electronic conversation again.
June 15, 2009 at 3:11 p.m.
schula (anonymous) says…

Passion -- thanks for writing this blog for all us that are over 35.

A part time job is a good way to meet people. I have met a few men this way but not dated any of them. Who knows, maybe things will change when my part time job gets busier.
June 15, 2009 at 3:16 p.m.
Pywacket (anonymous) says…

Gut reaction: you're thinking it through too much. Also, men can smell desperation a mile away--nothing is a bigger turn off.

When I was divorced in my late 30s, I thought I'd stay blissfully single. I also assumed that, at 30-something with kids, I would attract no one but losers, desperate post-midlife-crisis marrieds, etc.. I really didn't want to attract anyone.

So the weekends that my kids were with the evil ex, my friends and I would go out, and to our great surprise, we got hit on all the time--by much younger men. We would tell them how old we were to scare them off, but they weren't scared off.

The guys were sweet and fun to flirt with, but I wasn't attracted to them. They were in a very different place in life that I was. Still, it was good for our self esteem!

Well... I should say, I never went for any of them until I met that one guy in his mid-20s. He was out of college and seemed like an older soul.... I married him & had one more kid. ;-) Our age difference has never been an issue.

Don't write off the 20-somethings. Look at it this way--women usually live longer than men, so it makes sense to marry younger. That way, with luck, nobody will leave the other widowed for 15 years. (I know, guys, I'm encouraging cougarism, but if old guys can marry young wives, turn-about is fair play!)

Relax, be yourself, and enjoy your friends. Don't try to please anyone but yourself. Men love independent, self-sufficient women who do not project neediness. And save those books. When you start dating a nice guy, the two of you can spend a quiet evening roasting marshmallows over a bonfire of quack-authored self-help books.
June 15, 2009 at 3:29 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Py - I know what you mean by someone being able to smell desperation. I have ran into a few men that I could smell it on. The other thing that drives me crazy, as a single female, is the clingy-ness. That's one of the reasons I was hesitating to date.

Some of the women I talked to about dating at this age say that finances is one of the reasons they don't just go out with the girls. Many are holding 2 jobs and are still not feeling comfortable enough, financially, to go out.

You in your late 30s sounds like me recently. I love being single, I value my alone time and independence greatly but I've started to feel like it's time for the next step. I've been divorced since 2005, there's something telling me that I'm ready to get back out there again.

Maybe it's due to watching my friends. I knew they were a bad influence!
June 15, 2009 at 3:47 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

schula - I've also read that volunteering is one way to meet someone. Not only do you get to do something good for whatever you feel passionate about but you will also meet others who feel that same passion, if it's not someone there just to do community service. I had a friend who met her now ex-husband that way.
June 15, 2009 at 3:52 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

SandCoAlmanac - Most of the women I have talked to about this fit what you just described. Work, home then work again. Until I recently joined the Leaner Lawrence Contest and started going to the gym, I was a work, home, kids taxi then home again. My only real interactions were online and at work.

I wonder how many men out there are living the same way and just not talking about it...
June 15, 2009 at 4 p.m.
tangential_reasoners_anonymous (anonymous) says…

( Beware: there are redheads about.... )
June 15, 2009 at 4:24 p.m.
Pywacket (anonymous) says…

Libra~ I hear ya on the finances! The time I am talking about was one of the leanest of my life, financially. Avoid cover charges. Eat at home to save money on dinner (have dessert while you're out). Since you don't drink much, you can stretch your bar budget by sipping slowly.

I did meet my man while out barhopping (ha!), but he wasn't just a random pick-up. Some friends I was with that night knew him & introduced us. That's usually safer than striking up something with a stranger.

If you can afford a class (ceramics, stained glass, photography, etc), that is another way to meet people. Look into what is offered by the art center, Johnson County CC (they have excellent and affordable personal enrichment classes on a wide range of subjects), small business admin (home finance seminars), and so on. Home Depot has free weekend classes on laying tile, etc--or at least they used to. Go for it!

I took a woodworking class last year thru Baldwin Rec and met some great people there while learning some new skills. Didn't necessarily meet anyone I would've dated, had I been single, but just meeting new people is a key.

Or, yes--volunteer work is great! And pick up flyers at Sunflower Bike Shop or Gary Gribble's to find out who's putting on the next run or bike ride. They always need help at those things from people who don't necessarily wish to bike or run themselves. Another opportunity to meet active people.

It sounds like you have taken time to settle after your divorce, which is excellent. You survived one of life's hardest blows and for that you should be proud of yourself.

Believe in what you can accomplish and what you have to offer. Stay curious about the world and read a lot. The more interested you are in a wide variety of topics, the more interesting you will be as a conversationalist--and the easier it will be to find people with whom you have something in common.
June 15, 2009 at 4:51 p.m.
RoeDapple (anonymous) says…

I once asked Mrs Roe why a woman spends so much time looking for Mr Right, then proceeds to change him. She says it isn't a matter of 'settling' for less, rather a 'do the best we can, then mold to perfection'. She states it is a process that can never be completed. She also says that Mr and Mrs Right have either already found each other, or never existed......

She's just kidding me,...........

right?.........
June 15, 2009 at 5:06 p.m.
sfjayhawk (anonymous) says…

Take up golf - it is a great game and golf courses are loaded with guys (much more than a ceramics or stained glass class - sorry pywacket). Another good sport is tennis, lots of leagues with mixed doubles matches. My sister who just turned 40 met her boyfriend playing tennis.

What interests do you have? If you can leverage something you have interest in into an opportunity to mingle, so much the better.

Oh and I agree with whoever said booze. A little bid of liquid courage seems to help the process along nicely
June 15, 2009 at 5:15 p.m.
prospector (anonymous) says…

In my opinion, for the most part, these are none college bars.

The Red Lion 10th and Mass
The Eldridge Hotel bar
Pachamamas
Free State Brewery of coarse, I do all I can to scare the students away.

Maybe check

Henry's, East of Mass on 8th
Bourgeois Pig, East of Mass on 9th. Nick Danger, our favorite nine fingered no-it-all girlfriend was persona non gratis there. It is his take on this subject I am waiting for.
J B Stouts 6th and Waka
Jazzhaus as Ronda said.

Good luck
June 15, 2009 at 5:23 p.m.
JayCat_67 (anonymous) says…

I'd gladly ask you out, but I can't afford to after buying that convertible and the butt lift. Plus, my wife might not approve. :-D

Seriously though, good luck.
June 15, 2009 at 6:05 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

I still stand by the cowboy and the SEAL's. Never settle for less that than.
Seriously, I would hook up with a retired SEAL in a shaved New York minute. He would have all of these really nifty weapons and teach me how to use them.
I can see us all lined up on the range.
Him, me, daughter, granddaughter, grandson.
Hell of a picture, aint' it?
Roe?
You can be best man.
See, I got a plan.
June 15, 2009 at 7:07 p.m.
RoeDapple (anonymous) says…

I think we're going to have to tie a rock to you, Irish to slow you down! You're scaring me!
You get yourself that Navy SEAL, I'll have to be second best man......

;-D
June 15, 2009 at 7:29 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Wow. That's a lot of really great ideas! I hope the women I had talked with are taking notes!

I could definitely go out and drink ice water while playing some pool. I'm not very good but I used to love to play. I wonder if I can convince a friend or two to go with me... *HINT* I heard the Red Lion is a nice little place to play darts.

I don't see any reason for any of us single ladies to be sitting at home any more. There are obviously a lot of things we could be out doing. If you want to try something new, but not alone, drop me a line. I am usually up for new experiences!
June 15, 2009 at 9:09 p.m.
LadyJ (anonymous) says…

If money is tight, I know someone that met her boyfriend through her bridge club, they would do tournaments together. The only equipment you need to buy is a deck of cards.
June 15, 2009 at 9:14 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

LadyJ - Any idea how someone would find out where to find a bridge club or any other kind of club?

What about a ladies night once a month? Try something new each time...
June 15, 2009 at 9:27 p.m.
SusieCreamcheeze (anonymous) says…

How about that group that meets at the bar on 6th...Rondla was going to check it out...
Never date anyone at work...try not to get disapointed...not a lot o fish in the sea...been there done that...Still single and happy that way
June 16, 2009 at 2:06 a.m.
prospector (anonymous) says…

I stated 'WAS' there little Nickie. That is a fact!

Nick has no advice for the ladies?
June 16, 2009 at 10:16 a.m.
prospector (anonymous) says…

Verbum comprensio cassus.

Nickus Periculum haustrum et exonero gnarus est. Puellae blenni morionis est.
June 16, 2009 at 12:21 p.m.
prospector (anonymous) says…

Lacking word comprehension.

Nick Danger is a pump and dump expert. Girlfriend is a blockhead moron.
June 16, 2009 at 12:31 p.m.
autie (anonymous) says…

I'd be more than willing to help you here libra, but looks like the others gots lots of great ideas...and besides, I wouldn't have the slightest friggin clue. Beyond walking up to a total stranger that happens to look interesting, and saying, "hey baby, what's happening?", I'd be lost. PS, ms. passionate person, beware of advice from anybody who has been involved in multiple relationships...that would be like taking driving lessons from someone that wrecked six cars.
June 16, 2009 at 12:46 p.m.
sinverguenza (anonymous) says…

PL -

I can't believe no one suggested it, because everyone knows this is the way to get noticed (get a date, get laid, get the winning lottery numbers, etc).

http://www.amazon.com/three-wolf-moon...

If that won't work, I don't think you can be helped.

;) Good luck.

Roe -

I don't think she's kidding. I like Mrs. Roe's rosy perception of what is settling and what isn't, though. Can't say I agree, but it's a nice way to look at things.

- sin(gle til I die)verguenza
June 16, 2009 at 12:54 p.m.
autie (anonymous) says…

and to expand on TOB's post from yesterday?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost
immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness
and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with
Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

warnings:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.

Thank You
June 16, 2009 at 12:58 p.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

first of all, your screen name indicates that you are a libra. we are usually very charming and naturally flirtatious people, so play those aspects of your personality up if you possess them.

i agree what several other people said about no TRYING to go out and look for guys. i would think that being single in lawrence would be a little harder for folks in our age range because most singles are probably youngsters (youngsters to me are folks who are under 25). you may say that you don't want to drive to KC but my question is, why not? its only a half hour away-- a hop skip and a jump.

also, i wouldn't rule out the online avenue... especially w/ some of the more reputable sites. and when you create your profile, you can indicate that you are primarily looking for friendship. that keeps you from obligating yourself to more if you do find someone on there that you are interested in.
June 16, 2009 at 1:32 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Multi – I’ve heard that people can get intense with bridge. I’ve never played but I know there should be other card clubs around here somewhere. Thank you for the information. I know someone out there has looked at it!

Susie – I have no clue what group your talking about. Is it a secret squirrel thing?

Autie – I walked up to a guy in a club that I didn’t know and just started talking to him. He turned out to be a pretty good friend until he was transferred to another post. I kind of imagined my being the female version of Long Duck Dong (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfTwTb...)

I understand your comment about driving lessons and wrecked cars, but I have no way of knowing who wrecked what and when. Also how long ago did they wreck it? Are they driving now? Have they taken any driver’s ed? Defensive driving? I’ve wrecked a few cars in my life, thank the Fates that they were just rent-a-wrecks ;o) P.S. I loved your margaritas ad!!! I kept picturing the leaky pipes guy and Bob. Do you remember Bob and his wife who wasn’t happy then she was?

LOL sin. I forgot all about the mate magnet of a t-shirt! I knew my wardrobe was missing something!

Honeychild – I don’t want to drive to Topeka or KC because I am a small town person and I get lost so easily. I’ve lived in Lawrence for over 7 years now and I have been to the mall in Olathe and a store near it maybe 5 times. The airport no more than 10 times. I did enjoy going to Dave & Buster’s once in a while when I could afford it. I’ve driven I-70 around Topeka no more than 5 times to get to the mall on Wannamaker. I love road trips but they are usually to small towns or someone else is driving. Now that gas is so expensive I don’t see any trips in the near future unless it’s a car full of friends and we’re splitting the cost :o)

Online seems so impersonal to me. I can’t read someone online like I can in person. I checked into one reputable dating website and the cost of it was insane. The less expensive sites tend to be just for trolling. I do know some women who have put ads up online but haven't had any luck meeting anyone. I also know someone who has an ad up that is out on dates almost every weekend. She's also about 10 years younger and a lot skinnier...

Thank you for the input. I love seeing all the different ideas and viewpoints!
June 16, 2009 at 2:31 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

Roe, did you mean that as a joke or what? Was my comment too out there, too silly?
I don't know what the little icon means.
If it was offensive I apologize
I want to add Texas Rangers to the list of good men.
I have no advice that would actually be useful.
Sorry.
June 16, 2009 at 2:51 p.m.
autie (anonymous) says…

I'm kind of guessing passionate, go forward and be yourself, quit worrying about meeting anyone..it will happen is its own due time.
June 16, 2009 at 3:38 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Autie - That sounds perfect :o) I just need to work on the going forward. Things are different here than back home. I guess this is forcing me to adapt and overcome yet again.

I think it will be easier to get out and about now that my Son is gone a lot. Wild woman! Wild woman!
June 16, 2009 at 4:32 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

Has everyone forgot about the soup kitchens and the shelter, always men there looking for a home.
Think of it like getting an animal from the shelter instead of pure bred.
June 16, 2009 at 5:41 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

get your date from the shelter...ROTFL! !!! !!!!!

***
Back home, I used to hang out in a hole in the wall place and quickly became a regular. Every other Friday I was at one of the 2 pool tables usually losing
some $$ to a sourdough.

---PL, so you were losing money to a hardpan gold miner? your use of the word "sourdough" seems to be out of range.

***
okay, this is a good blog, and you've gotten some good advice, but as to who wrecked how many in the past, I'm still stuck on the symbolism of "rent-a-wrecks?" lol.

sometimes wrecks in the past impart learning.

Ronda's first post very good. also Py's, volunteer, and do some public exercise type activity, run, walk, go to the gym. there's one I know of, men and women go there, and all the folks seem like fine people.

in general, since I am old fashioned, wait for the man to take the initiative, but that doesn't stop you from "dropping your handkerchief" (flirting, talking with him, otherwise getting his attention).

think about your personal values so that's already kinda settled before you go looking. also, try to break up any preconceived notions or a "list" you might have in your mind.

the man out there for you might not seem so handsome, or might not be the race you're comfortable with, or in the profession you think you want to date from.

drinking alcohol for liquid courage...some men will detect that as desperation too.

when you're talking with a man you might like to date, close your eyes for a while and just listen to him. what's he talk about? what's important to him? what does he notice?
June 17, 2009 at 12:39 a.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

and, Passionate, here's a biggie!

men are often the best judge of other men.

if you're beyond the meeting stage and thinking about dating, and you happen to know his boss/brother/neighbor/golfing buddy/et al, ask that guy about your intended.

it always puzzles me why so often the really desireable girls/women go for the skeezix men, yes I said skeezix. that's a 70's term, means: shadey, gives you the creeps, bad nature. men usually recognize these other men.

and of course there's google! google his name, hope he gave you his correct name.

***
in a few days I'm going to post what I hope is a fun blog "interactive personals" where those who are seeking can post a personal, and we can help them fine-tune it.

yes, I understand Passion how you and your friends don't want to just do the personals thing, and arent' those so often more just about hookups/sex?

one of those values to think clearly through way before you're in his arms is what maybe should come before sex in your relationship? what's important to you in a relationship?

okay, good night PL, this is a good topic. and just to be clear, I'm happily married 16-years, so not looking, sorry girls. [lol!]
June 17, 2009 at 12:48 a.m.
RoeDapple (anonymous) says…

Irish, I was teasing. I sometimes forget, if someone is single, man or woman, by choice or not, they may not see it as humorous. Permission granted for you to grind heel in my neck.......

No, Wait! Not everybody!..............

Aaahhhhgggggggggg...........................
June 17, 2009 at 8:17 a.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

my fellow female libran, just a note about online dating... i met my sig other on an internet messageboard, but it wasn't a "dating" or "singles" site. i am a multiracial person and the site kinda sorta focuses on that (altho there are other folks besides just us "mixies" on there, but you probably catch my drift). the reason i joined the site is because i grew up being "different" and have always sought out other folks who are of a mixed racial background for friendship or atleast just to be able to know that there are other folks in my general age range who may have some of the same life experiences because of our similarities. that being said, if there is something that you are passionate about (no pun intended, hehe!), be it sports, knitting, photography, architecture, civil war reenactments, star trek, siamese cats, whatever, there are bound to be many websites/messageboards/online communities that you could join. and one more side note about that messageboard i belonged to, there have been several marriages and/or children born because of meetings on that site. so my relationship wasn't an isolated incident.
June 17, 2009 at 12:22 p.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

as a P.S. to what i just posted, if you don't go on messageboards/websites looking for potential dates, at the very least you may find some other folks who share your interests and you may be able to meet some really awesome people. like the old girl scout mantra goes "make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other is gold". ;)
June 17, 2009 at 12:26 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

gnome: pl, so you were losing money to a hardpan gold miner? your use of the word “sourdough” seems to be out of range.

PL: Gnome, the 49er was an old bar that was a couple blocks from my house that I could walk to so I didn’t have to worry about driving home drunk. Most the guys that hung out there were the old goldminer’s and their friends/families. It was common for me to get my rear whooped while being told a story of the “good ole’ days” and how a toe was lost or that stream up yonder that everyone loved. I think the oldest guy I met there was in his 90’s. My Dad had taken me there during a poker run one year and I never stopped going. It was definitely about the company and not hookin’ up with anyone.

I’m also old fashioned when it comes to making the first move. I’m getting really good at starting conversations with almost anyone but when it comes to asking someone out, I wait for the guy. Now the young ones (18-22) I work with have told me that it’s no big deal for the female to approach the male and it actually takes some of the pressure off the guy worried about being rejected and/or embarrassed. I can understand their point of view. It’s not me but I understand it.

GNOME: think about your personal values so that's already kinda settled before you go looking. also, try to break up any preconceived notions or a “list” you might have in your mind.

the man out there for you might not seem so handsome, or might not be the race you're comfortable with, or in the profession you think you want to date from.

PL: I have no preconceived notions in my mind but I have noticed what I am naturally attracted to. I do know women (and men) who do have the “list” and they will not deviate from it at any cost. They, too, are sitting at home every weekend but they won’t settle for less than that list! Why is it seen as “settling” if you try something different? I think by keeping an open mind, you never know what adventure will come your way.

I quickly discovered, many years ago, that no matter how gorgeous someone is in looks, their personality/attitude can make them uglier than week old road kill on the interstate.

Just like I’ve learned that money does not make the man (or woman). In one of the dating books I threw across the room (yes, literally) it also talked about not dating “down”. Nothing ticks me off more than someone who thinks it’s beneath them to date someone who makes less money. Class standing does not dictate what kind of mate someone will be.

I’ve heard of people hiring private detectives to do background checks on someone they want to date. Here I thought I was doing good because I check the sex offenders list!
June 17, 2009 at 1:14 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

I can’t wait to see what kind of reaction there is to your “interactive personals” idea. I haven’t decided if I am brave enough to put myself out there for that much criticism :oD

GNOME: okay, good night PL, this is a good topic. and just to be clear, I'm happily married 16-years, so not looking, sorry girls. [lol!]

PL: Do you hear that? My heart just broke! Do you have a twin? Clone maybe? ;oP~
June 17, 2009 at 1:15 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

honeychild – Thank you for sharing your personal experience! I know what you mean about being different because of race. I am biracial (Apache/Irish/German) but I grew up around those who looked down on my Apache blood and didn’t hide it. It made life challenging.

I’ll have to narrow down my interest list to see if I can find one or two things to focus on. When it comes to my passions in life, I am usually like one of those super bouncy balls thrown into an empty room. I will bounce from one to the other quickly. I think it’s because I love learning about it then grow bored (Ha!) Maybe I should join a club for those with small attention spans. Or an adventure club that doesn't do things that involve heights or enclosed spaces or spiders... or snakes... maybe I should join an armchair adventure club!!

I love your girl scout mantra. I must remember that and use it in the future! Thanks!
June 17, 2009 at 1:24 p.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

passionate, when you find that adventure club, let a sista know. LOL maybe we could both find a CYBER rock climbing club or something. hehe! or CYBER splunking (isn't that the term for going down in caves and exploring? all i know is that you couldn't pay me enough money to do it in real life!).

apaches are beautiful people, whether they are of full or partial ancestory. keep you head up on that one, sister-friend. we "mutts" are in vogue and taking over. look at our president. ;)

good luck w/ your search for companionship. you sound like a wonderful person and you have a terrific attitude as well. much love. :)
June 17, 2009 at 3:07 p.m.
Romans832 (anonymous) says…

Curious if there is an age when someone is "too old" to even be thinking romance might be possible. I read stories about widows/widowers in their 80s who marry, but what about first-timers? I'm 52 and never married. (Many years ago, someone called me an "unclaimed jewel.") Did I hear there's a better chance of being struck by lightning than getting married? For some reason, I haven't given up "hope." (Genetic, perhaps... My parents were both 36 when they married for the first time. Celebrated their 50th and then a couple more years.) But maybe I have a "calling" to be single and just haven't heard it, or am still somewhere in the "denial" stage. Or maybe there's something about me that is unmarriageable, so the "blame" should be on me. In the meantime, I'm not moping about being single (it's been several years since Valentine's Day has been the cause for tears), but I just think there's "more" to be had. Those of you who are divorced may wonder why in the world I'd want to jump in. Maybe it's like I've heard about the flies on both sides of the screen door--those who are out want in, and those who are in want out. ;-) I'm not really seeking advise about how to find the right guy, but just whether I should even be looking.
June 17, 2009 at 4:25 p.m.
sinverguenza (anonymous) says…

Romans -

I say, "Screw it!"

But I'm not the type to get lonely. You don't seem like you are either if you've lasted this long. Don't worry about marrying, dating or even looking - just have fun. Sometimes, men are REALLY fun, if you know what I mean.
June 17, 2009 at 4:43 p.m.
RoeDapple (anonymous) says…

Irish (Irish Swearingen) says…
"Has everyone forgot about the soup kitchens and the shelter, always men there looking for a home.
Think of it like getting an animal from the shelter instead of pure bred."

Yeah, but remember, they won't turn them over until they are vaccinated and neutered.
June 17, 2009 at 5:11 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

(Irish Swearingen) says…

Has everyone forgot about the soup kitchens and the shelter, always men there looking for a home.
Think of it like getting an animal from the shelter instead of pure bred.

relolz!

"pure breds" and I'm still stuck on the relationship imagery of "rent-a-wreck!!!"

***
well thank you PL,
my little brother, two years younger resembles me, only his beard is scraggley. he has a commonlaw wife from one of the native peoples in the Brazilian jungle [no, not kidding].

however, he and I differ greatly in interests, experience, and values.

well now I understand, "sourdough" was right! wow, too bad you weren't writing down those stories, would've made a great book!

I hope you will be brave enough to post a blog personal, and one thing I'm going to stress is that everybody be particularly kind to each other.

***
romans832,
no, 52 is not too old. what I would tell you is that sometimes there are women who are so attractive, successful, have so much limelight, etc., that guys think they must already have a dozen boyfriends/stagedoor-johnnies, or are out of their range.
I wonder if maybe if you want to meet good men, maybe a few minor changes would help. sometimes clothes and appearance do matter. as noted above, find some activities. don't be afraid to introduce yourself to a man who looks to be a good guy.
I also wondered reading your post if perhaps you are shy?
June 17, 2009 at 9:53 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Schula,
you are not over 35! no way.

***
Passionate-libra,
well, the guys 18-20 say that, and in a way they're right, but guys that age have something very particular on their minds! I was that age once, too.

if I were single, and a woman asked me out, I might go, but I would be a bit on my guard, as to me it would seem too forward/desperate.

you mention about "dating down." yes, a college professor might be happy dating a hardhat. however, there is a serious issue in a relationship: who's growing and who isn't. and yes, the hardhat might be growing, developing new interests, pushing it a bit, while the prof might be stuck in her ways. furthermore, there does need to be some commonality in a relationship, shared identity, shared interest, etc.

wow, the internet station I'm listening to is playing *lots* of Billy Holiday. now, there's one of the sexiest women ever.
June 17, 2009 at 10:07 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Billie Holiday was singing:
No Good Man

Irene Higginbotham & Dan Fisher & Sammy Gallop

Complete on Decca v.1
13
3'05"

No good man
Lovin' all the no good plan
Never treats me as he should
That ain't good
He's always bringing me down
He's no saint
Heaven knows that's what he ain't
Spends his money foolishly
Not on me
I'm the one who gets the run-around

I ought to hate him and yet I love him so
For I require
Love that's made of fire
And in his arms I find
I always get that kind
No good man
Ever since the world began
There's been other fools like me
Born to be
In love with a no good man

I ought to hate him and yet I love him so
For I require
Love that's made of fire
And in his arms I find
I always get that kind
No good man
Ever since the world began
There've been other fools like me
Born to be
In love with a no good man
June 17, 2009 at 10:24 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Yo Roe,
those strays from the animal shelter also usually got the fleas removed, too!

I bet most from the shelter are *better behaved* than the stray men from the other shelter.
June 17, 2009 at 10:27 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Honeychild – Thank you for the compliments! I am quickly learning to feel pride about my heritage and not shame. It’s been an awesome journey! My children are even more racially mixed than I am and , unlike when I was growing up, I have raised them to feel proud of their heritage but don’t feel like they have to conform to it. They don’t and it has caused a little drama but they’ve handled it beautifully.
I will look for cyber rock climbing and spelunking. I think I’ve seen it on the Discovery channel so it might be on their website. Maybe it’s a version of armchair quarterbacking? ;oP~ Much love back to you! Don’t be a stranger! :o)

Romans – I know several women who are in their 50’s and they are enjoying being single. I know of one who would like a relationship (or at least a few dates) but she doesn’t let it get to her. She goes about her life open to new experiences so anything can happen. Harriet Martineau once said, “It is characteristic of genius to be hopeful and aspiring.” I’m glad to know I am amongst other geniuses!

Sin – It’s been so long sometimes I wonder if men were as fun as I remember. I can’t wait to be reminded! ;o)

Gnome – I’m still batting around posting a personal ad on your blog. I could have fun with it. I have a feeling a lot of sarcasm is going to come out of the woodwork. When are you posting it?

As for the guys 18-20 who have only one thing on their mind… isn’t that the age when those desires hit their peek for males? I heard that’s one of the reason some women have turned into cougars. I wonder if I have the ability to growl anymore…

I think people of all economic backgrounds can find common grounds. I understand your point about personal growth and one outgrowing the other, but isn’t that a risk in all socio-economic standings?

I understand what you’re saying, I’m just stuck on how many of these dating books say don’t even try. So what? People need to fill out a questionnaire to date now? What is your blood type? Do you have mental illness in your family? If so, are you a few French fries short of a happy meal? How much money do you make? What part of town do you live in? Credit score? *ugh* It just seems to be a bit much to me. I know, a person has to be sensible when dating but it’s just dinner and/or coffee. Woah, now all those questions to set up the online ads make more sense. Hey now, be nice. A lot of times I feel like a 486 in a Pentium world…
June 18, 2009 at 11:41 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Try listening to Bessie Smith:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fx-VAq...
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=go6TiL...

Downhearted Blues

by Lovie Austin / Alberta Hunter
recording of February 16, 1923
from The Complete Recordings, Vol. 1 (Columbia/Legacy C2K-47091),
copyright notice

Gee, but it's hard to love someone when that someone don't love you
I'm so disgusted, heartbroken, too
I've got those down hearted blues
Once I was crazy 'bout a man
He mistreated me all the time
The next man I get he's got to promise to be mine, all mine

If I could only find the man oh how happy I would be
To the good Lord ev'ry night I pray
Please send my man back to me
I've almost worried myself to death wond'ring why he went away
But just wait and see he's gonna want me back some sweet day

Trouble, trouble, I've had it all my days
Trouble, trouble, I've had it all my days
It seems that trouble's going to follow me to my grave

Got the world in a jug, the stopper's in my hand
Got the world in a jug
The stopper's in my hand
Going to hold it, baby, till you come under my command

Say, I ain't never loved but three men in my life
No, I ain't never loved but three men in my life
'T'was my father, brother and the man who wrecked my life

'Cause he mistreated me and he drove me from his door
Yeah, he mistreated me and he drove me from his door
But the good book says you'll reap just what you sow

Oh, it may be a week and it may be a month or two
Yes, it may be a week and it may be a month or two
But the day you quit me honey, it's coming home to you

Oh, I walked the floor and I wrung my hands and cried
Yes, I walked the floor and I wrung my hands and cried
Had the down hearted blues and couldn't be satisfied
She is beyond awesome.

Then of course there is Aretha…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw9bs4...
June 18, 2009 at 11:42 a.m.
Dateable_Shelter_Dude (anonymous) says…

Fate can be your best friend. It may keep you from Mr. Wrong and hold you available until one day you bump into Mr. Right when you least expect it.
June 18, 2009 at 9:32 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Multidisciplinary
(Anonymous) says…

Yes…but if you get a man from the shelter and he turns out to be a non-keeper, he wouldn't have a chip, so you could just drive him to Topeka and drop him
off.
(Forgive me..this stems from learning that down this way..if a stranger needs to get anywhere..just hitchhike and law enforcement will drive them there.
They don't take kindly to hitch hikers, so they escort them to the their destination, or at least out of the county I'm told, lol. Irish, gnome, Roe..this
comment is all your fault!) :)

---they wouldn't have a chip! ROTFL!

maybe we don't wanna know how you found this out Multi? did *you* pick up a "stray?"
June 19, 2009 at 9:42 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

PL,
I was looking at posting the blog tonight, but am really tired, and some other stuff happened.

indeed, nobody should have income/occupation/class barriers about dating, but at the same time have some wisdom.
if a woman is highly educated, has a high income, then she will have to cope with the issues of being wealthier or socio-economic-status higher than many men who are potential dates. sometimes this is very intimidating to men.

many educated black women express frustration at the shortage of educated, responsible, black men available to date. often because of that they date outside their race.
June 19, 2009 at 9:53 p.m.
The_Original_Bob (anonymous) says…

Has booze been mentioned?
June 19, 2009 at 10:05 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

absolutely there's risk for one growing while the other does not in any strata of society. personally I think it is a greater risk if one or both partners have some education beyond high school. but that might just be some redneck generalization that's plain wrong. oh, these days, "agro-american" is the preferred phrase to "redneck."

pl: As for the guys 18-20 who have only one thing on their mind… isn’t that the age when those desires hit their peek for males? I heard that’s one of the reason
some women have turned into cougars. I wonder if I have the ability to growl anymore…

---yep. peak 18-24 give or take. women peak 36-40.
when I was 18, I lived with a woman who was 36. well, need I say more?
June 19, 2009 at 10:07 p.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

The_Original_Bob
(Anonymous) says…

Has booze been mentioned?

---ya' know, TOB, I think somebody did just that...but of course one could go skinney dipping too, as a form of advertisement!

***
oh, yeah,
PL, Bessie Smith is amazing. I've heard that one before.

***
Dateable-shelter-dude,
I will soon post a blog for personals, please come along and post. it will not be your typical personals. I hope my humor didn't give offense, I was reacting to Irish's wacko comment.
June 19, 2009 at 10:15 p.m.