Painful Words

Posted by Passionatelibra July 14, 2009 at 12:53 p.m.

Over the last month I’ve witnessed several vicious attacks. It would start with a comment and then someone would slap the commentator. Next thing you know bystanders were also taking swings. It was absolutely brutal. The worst part is that these attacks weren’t physical these attacks were verbal/written words. When I would read the hateful words being used it was like watching a physical fight.

“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care, for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or evil.” ~Siddhartha Gotoma or Buddha~

During this electronic age, people tend to forget how powerful words can be. They can make or break someone’s day. They can bring about a smile or reduce them to tears. Words can trigger joyous memories or horrific nightmares. They can make you feel as if you are being hugged or have been slapped. Some have even sworn they could smell the environments that were being described. In essence, words can alter the way we see and choose to live in this world.

“The language we use to communicate with one another is like a knife. In the hands of a careful and skilled surgeon, a knife can work to do great good. But in the hands of a careless or ignorant person, a knife can cause great harm. Exactly as it is with our words.” ~unknown~

Those who know me or read some of my comments know that I was once in an extremely abusive marriage. One of the unfortunate things learned during that time was that if someone wants to cause me pain, I would rather they hit me physically than verbally. Bruises heal faster, but words manage to eerily haunt me. No matter how much I try, quite a few are able to hide in the cracks and crevices of my mind. Then when I least expect it, they either whisper softly to me or they jump up and scream at me. Sometimes they are positive but far too often, they are negative.

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are endless.” Mother Theresa(1910-1997)

When I was in first grade I had a teacher named Mrs. Craig. I can still picture her as if she is standing in front of me and I can still smell her perfume. When I first started her class I struggled with reading and math. The kids in my class teased me relentlessly. Mrs. Craig worked with me before class, during lunch and after class to help me learn. I was so mad at myself and I just knew I was as dumb as everyone said. Then one day, it clicked. Once I was able to learn/understand one thing, the rest quickly fell into place. From then on you would usually find me with my nose in a book. I couldn’t get enough! Later on in life I found out I have severe dyslexia. To this day, when I struggle with anything in my life, I can still hear Mrs. Craig's soft voice in my head, “Slow down. Breathe. You are a smart girl. You can do it. You can do anything.”

“If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect from you 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?” ~unknown~

Before you answer that question don’t just think about your interactions with those you know. Also think about those you don’t know. Think about how you are with those on the internet, on the phone and in public. Were you kind to the woman who bumped into you at the store? What about the cashier who accidentally rang up your purchases wrong? The sales person who called you up during dinner yesterday? What about your comments on news stories and blogs?

No, I don’t think everyone is going to be nice all the time, I’m not unrealistic or delusional. I know that there are hateful people in this world. They get a sick thrill insulting people, causing others pain or trying to make them feel less than.

What I am wondering about are those people who have shown that they have a kind side. Lately, it seems they have forgotten how powerful their words can be.

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justbegintowrite (Ronda Miller) says…

Wonderfully written and a terrific blog topic, passion.

I too agree that words often stay with us longer than physical inflictions of pain. Odd how that works isn't it?

You are so fortunate to have had a teacher such as Mrs. Craig in your life - we should all strive to be a Mrs. Craig, to make a positive difference in the life of one person, or many.

Thanks for sharing your personal insights about pain and painful memories. There is absolutely no reason to be rude to another person. Having said that, I have caught myself being tired, or crabby at the end of a long day, or week and hearing a "tone" in my voice that just shouldn't exist.

I have read it is important to treat loved ones in our lives as though we haven't seen them for a long time each time they walk into the room we are in. Just imagine how different that would be as opposed to not bothering to take our nose our of a book - or the internet. We need to treat everyone as politely as we would expect in return, certainly.

One of my ex mother-in-law's sayings that I always loved, "It is nice to be important, but it is important to be nice."
July 14, 2009 at 1:25 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

I have been better on being aware of how I speak to my loved ones. It's the people I don't really know that I have to be careful around, especially on the internet.

Yes, it's expanded communication and opened new worlds BUT I also think it has taken the humanness (is that a word) out of communication. I have said things to people online I would never say to their face and I don't think I'm the only one.
July 14, 2009 at 1:53 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

I agree with you to some extent. I went though a period of being blasted on the blogs, little Icy guy seems to have it in for me. But, hey that is part of life.
It's just annoying when I have to explain myself over and over. Sometimes people get things from what I write that I never thought of when I was writing it.
I fear physical pain much more than mental. You can say whatever you want to to me, but don't touch me.
I much prefer using blogs and Twitter to communicate rather than face to face.
I think of women as bullies and terrifying people. My therapist tells me that is unusual. I don't have a problem speaking my mind to a man, but a woman just makes me want to go quiet and curl up like a hedgehog.
Interesting, eh?
Why do people use a part of the female anatomy as a synonym for cowardice? Why use a vulgar word for sex to mean something is worthless?
July 14, 2009 at 4:12 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

From what I saw on a few word origin websites to be pussyfooted means to proceed with caution, subtlety, and delicacy and is used pejoratively. Throughout history many times men who showed caution was said to do so because they were being a coward. I am guessing that the word you are talking about is short for pussyfoot.

As for the other word, I would have to do more research.

I prefer face to face contact because electronic communication seems to impersonal.
July 14, 2009 at 5 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

Thank you Libra, that does clear it up, but it still sounds vulgar to me. It also seems to me that if someone would use that word for sex in so many ways that are negative that they probably don't have much respect for the sex act in and of itself.
July 14, 2009 at 7:15 p.m.
liggyon (David Lignell) says…

passionatelibra,

Good blog topic! At my workplace, we try hard to teach employees the value of feedback, which steers away from both praise and shame. The former is vague and the latter is bullying. In brief, the model we use is common and effective:

1. State the situation
2. State the behavior
3. State the impact

For example, "When you replied to my blog topic on abortion, in which I was stating both sides objectively based on articles representative of a diversity of viewpoints, you posted that I was a baby killer. As a result, you incited a string of replies that brought us away from an factual examination of the topic and into an emotional name-calling contest."

A more positive example: "Thank you for your reply, Mr. S____. By sharing links on how people can be involved in Autism for Art locally, you've opened the doors to touching many more lives together. Thank you."

Anyway, without trying to sound too preachy. Let's keep our replies descriptive of behavior and avoid labeling or name calling. People can be quiet without being "passive." They can be thoughful without being "opinionated."

We're all trying to share our insights and learning here. Let's be adult learners in our discussions.
July 14, 2009 at 8:42 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

David, although your comment is to Libra I hope you don't mind if I take it. I have been feeling very down and blue all day and what you wrote might help me to work some things out.
I am going to print it out and post it on the fridge.
I hope I said the right thing here.
July 14, 2009 at 9:31 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

liggyon - You got my point exactly! I am not trying to say there shouldn't be any discussion or debate, it just doesn't need to be so hateful. I see it so often on the internet and it's quickly spreading to face to face interactions. Or is it the other way around?

I know that if I post a blog that there will most likely be some disagreement but there is no need for personal attacks. I don't care whose "side" your on. The attacks take the focus away from the debates and a chance to learn and grow. IMHO, the minute someone does a personal attack instead of stating facts or a personal experience (not a friend of a friend who told your other friends cousins sister), they lose a lot of credibility.

I was at the store the other day and someone was arguing with the manager about a price she was charged. He kept stating facts and the facts were supporting his side. She also had a couple of valid points but it still didn't make her right. The interaction ended with her calling him a fat @$$ loser who couldn't get a real job and storming out. There was no need for that hatefulness. Totally uncalled for and wrong on many levels.

It's time we look at ourselves and our behaviors. I can't change the world but I can change my actions and maybe in the process it will get someone to honestly look at their own.

I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "The choices we make dictate the lives we lead." I want to add to that. It also affects the lives of others.
July 14, 2009 at 9:34 p.m.
jonas_opines (anonymous) says…

@#$%^#%$%#!!!! @#$@#%^ %#$ ^%&%^ &$#%% $^!!!

@#$^%&^*^%$^&#%^&^YT&^%*&$^&#$%^@$%^#%$^#%^&$%^&%^&#^%&$%^*^*&(%&*($%^&#%&^$&*(%^&(^%&U!!!!!

Sorry, not feeling very serious this evening.
July 14, 2009 at 9:39 p.m.
liggyon (David Lignell) says…

Jonas,

1. State the situation: "When you replied to passion's blog on words with..."
2. State the behavior: "...an admirable string of expletives..."
3. State the impact: "...the cyber readers smiled in good humor."

Oh, you forgot to add, "*&^%$*!," but only if you're open to my feedback :-)
July 14, 2009 at 9:51 p.m.
liggyon (David Lignell) says…

Irish,

I'm touched that you feel strongly about what I posted. It's done wonders for my relationship with colleagues. We can still have strong feelings, but our behavior defines us.

BTW, you're a good person. Go out and smoke yourself a fine stokey now!
July 14, 2009 at 9:59 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Jonas - LOL

David - I must say I prefer a good @!#$$&*!(*)#& every once in a while as well!
July 14, 2009 at 10:52 p.m.
grammaddy (anonymous) says…

Great blog passion. Irish, I'm also touched by your comments. It's so nice to see a kinder, gentler blog for a change!!
July 14, 2009 at 10:57 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Thank you grammaddy :o)
July 15, 2009 at 8:30 a.m.
wordgenie8 (anonymous) says…

The feedback definitions and examples are brilliant. I'm taking notes. Thanks for sharing.
July 15, 2009 at 9:47 a.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

I tend to take what everyone says or writes to heart and I should not do that.
There is one poster who is appalled by my age and keeps telling me so. Challenged me to a run down the hill on fourteenth street. I thought they were joking. Turns out they were serious.
Ah, well, let it slide, let it slide, let it slide right off your shoulders.
I can understand. Remember when we, or some one us, said we wanted to die when we reached thirty because life is not worth living after that?
That didn't work out so well, did it?
I guess we didn't think ahead, about how many orphans that would leave behind. :-)
Thank you David for the kind words. I will be sharing them with my psychiatrist this afternoon.
July 15, 2009 at 10:42 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

everyone has said hateful things online.

Recently the topics of rape, abortion and adoption had me so upset/offended I was ready to write the whole blogosphere (I know, not a word) off. But then I just decided that no matter where I go there will be hateful and somewhat ignorant people, all I can do is watch what I say and how I treat others. Also, I can choose not to read comments on certain stories and I can choose not to comment. I am not forced to hop online just like people make the choice to be hateful. I can only change my actions, no one else’s.
July 15, 2009 at 10:51 a.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Passionate,
blogosphere is a totally valid word, use it all the time. use it with pride.

good blog PL.
I remember your "family time" blog, there's a fine example of uplifting words, and a pleasure to read/contemplate.
July 15, 2009 at 11:14 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Thank you gnome! I am trying to keep it light. Maybe trigger some introspection. Maybe it's because I have a job where I get yelled at on a constant basis.
July 15, 2009 at 11:27 a.m.
Music_Girl (anonymous) says…

passion, excellent post! I agree whole heartedly with you. I was raised with a verbally abusive dad and to this day those scares are still there. I have learned to overcome them but that doesn't mean that they don't hurt. Thank you for your wise words!
July 15, 2009 at 11:41 a.m.
75x55 (anonymous) says…

Know yourself, and others' words hold no great sway.

Some feedback is useful, a lot isn't.

Have a great day.
July 15, 2009 at 11:55 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Music_Girl - Thank you for sharing! It's the overcoming that can be quite challenging. I also try to avoid as much unnecessary drama as possible.

75x55 - What you say is true for many. But I still think others should look at how they are speaking and treating one another. Just because you can fend off cruel words better than Wonder Woman's bracelets doesn't mean it's right for me to say them.

I don't know if you are male or female so I just went with what popped in my mind. I don't mean to offend if you are male :o)

You have an awesome day too!
July 15, 2009 at 12:07 p.m.
Valkyrie_of_Reason (Kathy Getto) says…

Passion - this is a very touching blog - everything I have read from you is passionate and kind. I do not always follow my own rules and get caught up the political fray, but I try not to say anything on a forum that I would not say face to face. I have been trained in many techniques over the years for dealing with children. Jim Fay's Love and Logic is probably the one that fits my personality the best. I have used his model for so long it comes naturally, and has also been very useful with adults - Dave's HR tools are very similar. It is so much easier to use some of the communication tools we have when looking at someone's eyes, their reactions, smiles or frowns, than it is on the Internet. On the other side of that coin, it is so much easier to be mean to someone you can't see. We have to find ways to fix this as the Internet and its effects on our dynamics as a society are not going to go away, in fact it will become much more prominent as technology advances.

Thank you for taking the time to make us all think about our role in the Internet world, and the part we play in other's lives.
July 15, 2009 at 12:34 p.m.
75x55 (anonymous) says…

"Just because you can fend off cruel words better than Wonder Woman's bracelets doesn't mean it's right for me to say them."

Very true. But then, when you have no control, or desire to control, what others say, you can only manage your side of the 'equation'.
July 15, 2009 at 1:39 p.m.
twinetowngirl (anonymous) says…

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad, Let GOD deal with the things they do cause hate in your heart will consume you too.

This a line from one of my favorite Will Smith songs...says alot.
July 15, 2009 at 3:45 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

75x55 and twine - You both make valid points but this isn't about how others treat you (or me) or how we react to it, it's about how we treat others. You're right, how we choose to react to other people is up to us, I got that.

But we need to stop focusing on how others are treating us and focus on how we are treating others. IMHO, society needs to stop being so focused on themselves and think about how their words and actions affect others.

That's all I was trying to say but I think the message got lost somewhere.
July 15, 2009 at 4:41 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

That is far easier said than done. I find myself going back to something someone wrote about me online. I know it isn't true. so why should it bother me? Because I want people to understand and state the truth about me, not tell lies.
July 15, 2009 at 6:11 p.m.
beatrice (anonymous) says…

Passion, you are only accountable for yourself. You cannot change the actions of others.

As far as caring if others attempt to insult me on these boards, all I can say is that as far as I know, all the rest of you are members of al Qaeda who hate all Americans. Shout "death to America" all you want, but your words are incapable of hurting me.

Since I tend to stand up for my opinions, I've had people here call me everything under the sun. My favorite was when someone stated that I was a fat dyke with questionable feminine hygiene that transmitted odors through the screen. I just found it funny. These are words meant to somehow cause harm, but they might as well be saying the moon is made of cheese and the Earth is flat, because I know their words aren't true. The harmful words from strangers mean nothing and are incapable of harming me.

Do I care what others outside of my circle of family, friends and personal associates think of me? I can't write "Nope" loudly enough! I enjoy the give and take on a given subject, but if someone is nasty, oh well. That says more about them than it does me.

If others are attacking your stand on something and you are getting upset, then perhaps you should question your stand. If you are dealing with someone who constantly refers to others by derogatory names like "libtards," or "demonrats," etc. .. (and you know who you are) then it is clear that you are dealing with someone with insufficient language skills who can't make a rational and sound argument without resorting to childish behavior. Dismiss their words. They mean nothing.

passion, it is a true shame that you have lived through an abusive marriage. Nobody should have to go through that. However, there is a huge, massive, not even in the same ball park difference between a loved one saying hurtful things and some anonymous on-line schmoe attempting to write hurtful things. While I appreciate your comments that words can leave lasting scars, trust me, I'd certainly rather a stranger say mean things than actually be physical.

I can't state this strongly enough and I don't state this with any malice toward anyone in the slightest, but if anyone can't deal with others' responses to comments and blogs, then perhaps that person shouldn't be commenting or blogging. Just stay away if it hurts that much. If anyone is hurt by comments and keeps returning, then perhaps that person should talk with a professional about why they continue to return.

You can't control the actions of others, but you can control your own. Peace, bea
July 15, 2009 at 7:26 p.m.
RETICENT_IRREVERENT (Ronaldo Ignacio) says…

Thats my Maude :)
July 15, 2009 at 8:52 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

I know I can't control the actions of others, I don't want to. I can only control what I do and that's about it. I guess I was just trying to get people to look at their actions. I knew it was a long shot and I was right, it's easier to continually point the finger at others or to play the victim.

I don't care if you are a stranger or a loved one it does not give me the right to be hateful, it belittles me more than the one I am being hateful towards. I take pride in the fact that I go through life trying to remember that I'm not the only one on this planet. That what I say may or may not affect another person in ways I can't imagine.

Everyday I hear and see people who are so self involved they don't care what their actions or words may do to another just as long as they get their way. Maybe I am expecting to much for people to treat one another with dignity (in real life, not just online) but I refuse to give up the hope that one day, it will get better. I refuse to go with the party line, "that's just how the world is" because it isn't. I know there are others who feel as I do, I am just the one who blogged about it.

As for me using my old marriage as an example, I wasn't comparing it to a stranger doing it, people are hateful towards those they love as well. Lord knows I've been guilty of it. I wasn't trying to focus on just online interactions.

I haven't been a victim of online attacks so I don't know how I would react to it. I do know that I try (don't always succeed) to stay away from things that are hot topics for me. With those I tend to get emotional and I know that I have trouble being rational when I am riding on the hyped up how dare they emotional wave.
July 15, 2009 at 9:04 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

liggyon - I shared your comment from 7/14 8:42pm with someone in my office who is training some people who will be in situations where it will be useful. Some of the stuff I saw she was using was similar to it so maybe she can incorporate what you said as well.
July 15, 2009 at 9:05 p.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Valkyrie_of_Reason - Thank you for the compliment :o) I, too, get caught up in the fray but it's usually IRL at work and not online. I have to admit that the delete button has saved my rear many times online. But, sad to say, it doesn't work IRL!

Do you think it is possible to either fix or reverse some of the effects that the internet has on our daily interactions? If I remember correctly, studies have shown the negative effect texting has had on spelling worldwide. I see it quite often at work. I wonder if anyone has done a thorough study on the negative effects of the internet on human behavior. I've never looked it up online to see the results before. Time to research!

Now I have a strong urge to read Fahrenheit 451 again :oP~ If I'm not careful I'll find myself looking for 1984 at the library.
July 15, 2009 at 9:15 p.m.
hear_me (anonymous) says…

Thanks to all. I was thinking of not reading the ljw blog anymore. The sniping is disturbing. It's disappointing to see what people will say when they are anonymous. We should speak up on the blogs or in person when this stuff happens. These folks are in serious need of feedback.
July 16, 2009 at 4:04 a.m.
littlegrace (anonymous) says…

Comments from amother newspaper on blogging.

http://www.ottawaherald.com/story/071...
July 16, 2009 at 7:38 a.m.
schula (anonymous) says…

Thanks, Littlegrace, for the article.

Do any of think the Journal World will ever resort to this?

Passion -- thanks for writing this blog. It has been interesting to see what everyone has to say and how they feel about what others say/do.
July 16, 2009 at 8:02 a.m.
littlegrace (anonymous) says…

schula (Anonymous) says…

Thanks, Littlegrace, for the article.

Do any of think the Journal World will ever resort to this?
*
After some of the things I have read on this site I doubt it the Journal World would ever shut down all comments. Though I wonder why some participants are still allowed to post.
July 16, 2009 at 8:26 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

hear_me - The sniping is one of the reasons I try to stay off the political comments. I'll read the story but I try to stay away from the comments.

littlegrace - Thank you for the link to that article! I looked for a date on it, was it yesterday? I agree, I doubt they will ever take the comments section down. Sometimes it looks like a verbal version of the Beaches of Normandy and they still won't take them down.
July 16, 2009 at 9:01 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Hi schula :o)
July 16, 2009 at 9:02 a.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

I love commenting on the blogs and the opportunity to have my own. You can suggest that someone not comment any more. I would call that an attempt at censorship.
July 16, 2009 at 9:12 a.m.
littlegrace (anonymous) says…

Passion:
The article was posted yesterday. The Ottawa Herald doesn't have anywhere near the traffic this site has; none the less problems have evolved to the point the editor shut the blogs down. I don't comment much either for the same reason you cite.
July 16, 2009 at 9:21 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

I can only control my actions. Just because I have the right to say what I want, doesn't mean it's right to throw common courtesy out the window. It doesn't mean that I can verbally trample all over others, online or IRL.

Maybe if people focused on their own behavior instead of spending their time pointing out the fault of others, then the world would be a kinder place. This world can change but only if people are willing to be honest with themselves. It's not easy, I struggle with it most days, but it can be done.
July 16, 2009 at 9:39 a.m.
passionatelibra (anonymous) says…

Thank you littlegrace, the timing seems to have been perfect, eh?
July 16, 2009 at 9:40 a.m.
littlegrace (anonymous) says…

It might be just in time if some of those who were rude had a conscience.
July 16, 2009 at 9:49 a.m.
beatrice (anonymous) says…

"Marion writes: If the gentle readers ever needed any kind of absolute proof of potenitally dangerous insanity, “beatrice” has just provided it."

"dangerous insanity"? Okay. Thanks for providing a perfect example of the type of mean-spirited comments this blog is about Marion.
July 16, 2009 at 12:11 p.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

words are "things" and have an energy of their own. however wattage can be either negated or amplified, depending on the person receiving that energy. people should be much more mindful of what comes out of their mouth however we, as humans, must develop somewhat of a thick skin to combat the slings and arrows coming from the pieholes of people who are deliberately being nasty. we can't take everything to heart. we do need to toughen up. we cannot expect for everyone to have sense and a conscience and care about what they utter out loud.
July 16, 2009 at 2:21 p.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

I have felt compelled to remove my blog from the paper due to the insults posted on it directed at me.
I will however continue to comment.
If that many people hate my blogs then it is no longer worth my time writing them.
Reality check. I am not a good writer.
You, passionatelibra , are an excellent writer and I am looking forward to hearing more from you in the future.
You are very brave to have shared what you have. Perhaps it will encourage others who have your problem to realize they too can accomplish anything.
July 16, 2009 at 6:56 p.m.
artichokeheart (anonymous) says…

Irish
Not blogging won't stop the nasty ones from insulting you on the forum. Just don't take everything to heart after all it isn't like they matter anyway. They can say whatever about you but as long as you know it isn't true that is all that counts.
July 16, 2009 at 7:21 p.m.
sandersen (anonymous) says…

Irish-

No one was insulting you that I saw. I thought it was actually a fun blog, and people were enjoying it.

Btw, everyone I grew up with pronounced it "urn" in Se Ks where I grew up...
July 16, 2009 at 8:42 p.m.
beatrice (anonymous) says…

Irish, nobody is born a good writer. Keep trying, and learn from your mistakes. Don't rest at being satisfied with your writing style, and keep writing as a means to improve your style, be it a blog or a personal diary (although you will get quicker feedback from a blog).

When you write a blog, know that others will not see things your way, simply because we are all different. Don't take it so personally. Besides, writing a blog in which you ask others to make insulting jokes about "Rednecks," you really shouldn't be too terribly surprised if you find a few of the jokes directed back your way -- and those that I saw were lame, lame, lame. It would have been better form to just role with it.

Oh, and I am not writing this to be mean but to teach through example -- you've just done what you've accused others of doing, which is, you just hijacked passionatelibra's blog.

It is pretty easy to do, and I'm sure you didn't do so intentionally. It just happens because everyone will read - or read into - comments differently and respond according to how they feel. That may take the original topic in a radically different direction, and that should be okay. Like a conversation, it shouldn't always have a specific direction.

So go easy on yourself. What I do is laugh at the knuckleheads who try to insult me, and I always come back swinging. Try it yourself, you might enjoy it. Peace, bea
July 16, 2009 at 9:53 p.m.
Pywacket (anonymous) says…

What Bea said (especially her first post)!

For me, there is a total disconnect between real, live personal interactions and the volleyball games we play on the internet. I would advise all those who are thin-skinned to either learn not to give a flying f&&& about what anonymous strangers say to you (I mean, really!) or go back to more traditional forms of communication and shield yourself from potentially traumatic blog sessions.

Anonymous forums invite mud flinging. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I have no compunction about making withering comments if I think the situation calls for it. In "real life," however, I would bite my tongue and probably assume some level of deceit by not telling someone they were full of sh**--even if I thought they badly needed to hear it. If we said what we really think all day in real life, workplaces, households, and the wheels of commerce and communication would grind to a halt. People would be hurt to the quick or infuriated over what their (aunt, neighbor, employee, boss, doctor, patient, store clerk, customer, etc...) had said and people would soon hate each other.

But online, if we're anonymous, we don't have to face that hurtful person and try to maintain whatever relationship we have with them. We can honestly and openly blow off steam. Who knows? Maybe by doing that, we reduce our stress levels and are less likely to snap at our family or friends. I think it's great to have one place where we can go and drop the pretenses of respecting viewpoints that are violently at odds with our own.

I can't imagine being reduced to tears or worrying about what anyone says to or about me on a silly forum. I'm even amazed when the occasional person sends me a harassing or indignant personal message just to chew me out for some online comment I made. Why would they take the time to do that?

While I wholeheartedly agree that we should strive to be kinder, more thoughtful, patient, and understanding in person, on the phone, or in emails to recipients who know us, I think we should cut each other a bit of slack on public forums. Let down your hair a little. If someone's being a jerk, call 'em a jerk! It might feel wonderful to do so and know they won't come and slash your tires in the night--because they have no idea who you are! ;-) If you tell people off here, maybe it will prevent you from picking a fight with a loved one at home.
July 16, 2009 at 10:33 p.m.
mdrndgtl (anonymous) says…

Srry, tl;dr...
July 16, 2009 at 11:18 p.m.
riverdrifter (anonymous) says…

What Py just said and it merits repeating:

"For me, there is a total disconnect between real, live personal interactions and the volleyball games we play on the internet. I would advise all those who are thin-skinned to either learn not to give a flying f&&& about what anonymous strangers say to you (I mean, really!) or go back to more traditional forms of communication and shield yourself from potentially traumatic blog sessions."

Excellently said! Thanks.
July 17, 2009 at midnight
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

Just be aware that if you dare to post blogs expressing conservative political opinions, certain posters, including one above who's acting like she's all sweetness and light, will attack you insanely. for example, purposely misrepresenting what you wrote, attack you for even posting the blog, etc.

***
and, given Irish's history, the above from her does not seem legit.

***
PL,
I do want to say that though we focus on the 'flinging and the attacks, but LJWorld's comment threads, and the website itself, are head and shoulders above other sites around the country.

comments are far more thoughtful, and often do include useful information despite the flamewars.

the freedom to post your own blog is impressive on LJWorld, so that you PL can post this at your own choice.

I also posted one, drew way over 150 posts. I sincerely appreciate the LJWorld offering this to its readers. in that post I aired some vague information that was out in the community regarding an issue at LHS and a teacher.
As a result, some information did come out. one of the LJWorld's employees actually praised me for putting that up.
and I think despite the very intense hassle from some posters, it did inform people who read it. it certainly got me more information.

So PL, as you consider this topic, remember the positives too.

it could be worse, we could be trying to access the site for our local newspaper and comment in: Los Angeles; Santa Cruz; Monterey; San Francisco; New York; Chicago; Kansas City; Topeka.
July 17, 2009 at 12:15 a.m.
headdoctor (anonymous) says…

A few guidelines to think about when posting on the internet.

1. If you have thin skin. The internet is not for you.

2. If you really don't want to hear what people think. Don't ask the question.

3. Typing under the influence, contrary to the popular belief of some, is not the best time for you to make comments on the internet.

4. If everyone posting thinks you are wrong. They are probably right.

5. A message board/forum is not your personal dating service unless it is so marked. Try e-Harmony or better yet just get off the computer and go out into the world.

6. If you require a lot of attention. The internet will provide you with plenty of it. Just not the type of attention you are looking for and other posters will grow very weary of your efforts to gain that attention.

7. If you don't have the nerve to say what you want, the internet really isn't the place for you to grow a pair.

8. If you require professional mental help, the internet is only useful for locating that professional for an appointment.

9. if you are OCD, a sociopath, or have any other disorder that compels you to want to harass other posters on or off the internet you should seriously consider changing your ways. The cyber laws will eventually catch up with the real world.

10. You may be able to learn somethings on the internet but you just can't fix stupid.
July 17, 2009 at 7:31 a.m.
beatrice (anonymous) says…

bearded, I never misrepresented what you wrote. Ever. I used your own words again and again to show that you wrote a blog that had no facts to support outrageous claims (your teacher "fired" for being conservative blog). My comments were never about "you," but about the lack of substance of your claims against school administrators. You used hearsay to demonstrate the new-fangled "conservative victimhood" nonsense that is spreading across our nation. Your blog was based on what you yourself recognize as "vague information"! For such vague information, you sure jumped to so wild conclusions!

My comments were also about the LJWorld's lack of oversight regarding its bloggers and their use of "vague information" to smear others. Given recent blogs, I maintain that stand.

Seriously, how would you like to have a public position and there was a "news" forum that allowed people to write "vague information" about you and the job you were doing? That is, was, and will remain, the point I was making on that story.

However, I do wonder -- did you recognize yourself as someone who routinely resorts to childish name-calling?
July 17, 2009 at 12:03 p.m.