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How did you discover your significant was cheating?

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I recently started having a very strong intuition that my significant other was cheating on me. He denies it when asked, but something in my psyche just keeps nagging and nagging. Those of you out there who have experienced this, and later found out you were correct, how did you know? Did someone have to tell you? Did the cheater confess freely? Was the evidence so clear that when put "in their face" they couldn't possibly deny it any longer?
How can you tell if your beloved is cheating on you with more than one person? And finally, what have some of you done when you found out you were right? Should a person wait for their partner to sweat it out and break down and confess, or is it better to confront them directly? Cheaters, your input is welcome, also.

Comments

Christine Anderson 5 years, 11 months ago

Marion, that's a wonderful suggestion. If only spy cameras came more cheaply. In the meantime, as the song says, "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair"....

compmd 5 years, 11 months ago

If he has a fancy cell phone, show him how cool Google Latitude is and have him sign up for it. It reports location based on assisted and real GPS.

deec 5 years, 11 months ago

Keylogger on the computer. Check the credit card bills. 10 minute errands that take a couple of hours to complete. Check the cell phone records or long distance phone records. Does he pretty much ignore you, except when he's picking a fight? If you call him at work, is he never able to take your calls? If he has places he used to hang out, does he still go there? If he does, pop in a few times unexpectedly and see what you find. Are his friends being evasive and won't look you in the eye? i know all this stuff sounds weird and paranoid, but it works. Unfortunately, if your gut is telling you something is going on, it probably is.

bearded_gnome 5 years, 11 months ago

Cheesehead, I know you have posted your husband is from another culture.

from your blog, it seems your one indication is that feeling in your gut. maybe there's a cultural issue going on? maybe he's stealing from the household instead of cheating on you?

please don't do something you might regret. that feeling in your gut, maybe something else besides cheating is the matter? who manages the finances in your household?

divorce is one helluva painful time. I divorced my first wife, and I use "my" only figuratively. no, she didn't cheat, she was actually violent, and insanely, I do mean delusionally, jealous!
in seven years of wedded unbliss, she imagined over a hundred women had been after me, or I'd been after them. now, I'm no Brad Pitt, and I don't tend to attract women, to set things straight. it was all in her head.

(cont'ed)

bearded_gnome 5 years, 11 months ago

(cont'ed) thank God we did not have children together. if we had, the divorce would have been ten times worse! divorce is properly called "the crazymaking time."

How can you tell if your beloved is cheating on you with more than one person? And finally, what have some of you done when you found out you were right?

your "gut" tells you he's cheating with more than one person?

please wait for some kind of confirmation before you assume it is true.

Cheesehead, I could tell from your blog that you are of course very upset. again, I've inferred from your posts that you've been married to this guy for quite a while.

I'll tell you, if you are hitting menopause, your feelings aren't reliable! your gut can be waaaaaaaaay off.

I say that from firsthand experience, my wife had ovaries and uterus removed...and boy for a while until she was on HRT, it was "phasers on kill!" around here!

Cheesehead, I'd also encourage you to think about seeing a professional or a clergyman first for your own support. and if your gut is true, you'll want that opportunity to talk things out.

I was quite moved by your blog, and I sincerely hope I've been helpful.

bearded_gnome 5 years, 11 months ago

Wow, Justfornow, that's a hard swipe! you don't know the circumstances. maybe she had the dinner ready for him good and warm every night, won't prevent some from straying.

and yet, if I'd been married to Hilary Clinton I think Jennifer Flowers and an intern and a dozen others would start to look mighty good.

BigPrune 5 years, 11 months ago

You can rent a GPS tracker from a local P.I. It is fairly inexpensive. If you suspect at different times your significant other is up to no good, have the P.I. check it out on the computer because it is real time tracking. If you need the number for this guy, email me at: bigprune@yahoo.com

The tracking device has to be placed on a vehicle you own.

You should check the online dating websites like match.com, yahoopersonals etc.

Typically your gut is right. Is he wearing his wedding ring? Is he acting evasive? Is he acting secretive? Does he get really jealous and mad if someone might flirt with you or you are just being friendly with someone of the opposite sex, like a clerk at the store? Has he changed his wardrobe, or hair style? Is he wearing new cologne? Is he more horny than usual with you? Is he not horny at all anymore? Is he having a lot more meetings than usual? Does he consider a lady friend one of his good friends? Do you ever go out with him and see any of his friends anymore?

pace 5 years, 11 months ago

It is a mark of insanity if you think the spouse is the cause of a dog acting like a dog.

oldvet 5 years, 11 months ago

If the headache lasts for three weeks, it's a serious medical problem and you should see a doctor...

Linda Aikins 5 years, 11 months ago

When my underwear started showing up in his dresser drawers....and I found numbers on his pager and called it. the woman actually told me everything. And can you believe I didn't kick him out? one of my life's biggest regrets....apparently he had lots more but mostly the one that he dated that was himself...

Christine Anderson 5 years, 11 months ago

After a night of rather fitful sleep, I woke up to some good pieces of advice, and a few much needed laughs! Thank You. Farfle, I would dearly love to go home to Wi. However, the services my autistic son needs require staying put. Children first.

Marion, you've got me cracking up with the story about the movie. Did it come in handy in divorce court?

Gnome, you are very kind. I should clear up something. I have indeed referred several times to my former spouse, who is from Iran. He and I have been divorced since '93. So nope, it's not him. Our daughter is now grown, so we just don't have anything left to fight about. Husband #2 was physically violent (also to his second wife), and looks at child porn. The significant this blog refers to is neither. Hence, I use the term significant other, not spouse. He was, however, someone I thought I could trust.

The menopause comment actually makes me laugh too. I'm in what is called the pre, or perimenopausal phase. Yes, it is true that sometimes in that time of life, we do get a little crazy. Hey, the crappy thing is, a woman can start having hot flashes, a.k.a. "Power Surges" years before actual menopause. Summer in Ks is not a good time for those.

Someone encouraged me not to rush to judgment, and this is correct. Neither gender should be FALSELY accused. So, what is it other than the nagging in my woman's mind that makes me think so? Okay, deep breath. A fall-off in communicating with me. Extreme delays in answering texts and emails. Having less and less time to get together. There are some excuses so poor, a high schooler could come up with better. Time to go start the day. (Booooo) Would rather sleep all day until it's time for my son's baseball game. However, that's just not practical.

Back to you guys.

Stuart Evans 5 years, 11 months ago

once the trust is gone, whether you're just having lots of suspicion or he's actually cheating, the relationship will never be the same. move on, plenty of non-cheating men in the world.

formerlawrenceres 5 years, 11 months ago

Cheesehead - From what you have indicated above with the excuses and the lack of communication it seems that your guy may have had a change in feelings toward the relationship. I wouldn't neccessarily jump to cheating, but either way is this the kind of person you want to spend your time on/with? Do you want to be with someone who you have to fight to spend time with? As a person who has been a single parent for 12 years and been through a few relationships, when the relationship gets to this point, the "it's not you, it's me conversation may follow shortly after." I have done this as well as had it done to me. My point is that if you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship whether its time with that person, affection, whatever then you should move on. I know it's really hard, but wouldn't you rather be with someone who doesn't make you feel this way? The person you love is supposed to make you happy, not make you feel like they are cheating on you.

Music_Girl 5 years, 11 months ago

His mother told me...

Yup that's right. His mother called me on the phone and said that she had noticed him spending time with an ex-girlfriend. His mother didn't like me one bit but she had enough courage and moral fiber to tell me her suspicions. When I asked him about it, he just got a guilty look on his face and stared at the ground. He never apologized or tried to excuse himself out of it or anything. Just stared at the ground until I told him to leave and then I bawled. I'm glad I found out cause I almost married the clown and he has been in a lot of trouble since I dumped him but it still hurt that I thought I could trust him. Best of luck with your situation.

Bucker00 5 years, 11 months ago

With me it was unfounded accusations from the offender. (Justification for her own acts to aleve their own guilt, I assume) There were also inappropriate reactions when I brought up the nerve to actually ask. I mean seriously, when you're unjustly accused, you're pi$$ed OFF! As opposed to rolling your eyes and proclaiming, "sheez, you're paranoid". It may be nothing cheesehead, but often it's your subconscious telling you what your heart desperately doesn't want to believe. Really a hard call to make when you've got nothing concrete to go on. At the very least, it brings your trust in him into question, and what he might have done to lose it (assuming the trust had previously been there). And whether he deserves to lose it.

There's really too much that can't be put in a few paragraphs that we can't possibly know, to be honest.

sinverguenza 5 years, 11 months ago

Oh consumer, chin up!

MPCH -

Compromise only after commitment. If you're not getting the commitment you want, don't make any compromises. You're worth something, so don't stick around just to see if he gets his arse in gear. Life is just too short. Good luck.

grammaddy 5 years, 11 months ago

When his job sent a "Congrats on the new baby" card to him and her at my address.

Christine Anderson 5 years, 11 months ago

Mr. Nancy-I would love to give you folks a bit more to go on, but I admit to not feeling wholly rational right now, and I'm afraid I might say something that would give away the identity of the "probable horse's rear end". See, the man is a poster ( although not that freq.). Music Girl-you're kidding. His mother told you?? Wow. That does say something. FLR-right on the money. Multi-I have to be careful what I say because if you grew up in Lawrence, I'll bet you know him. Thanks for the positive statements. Yeah, part of it is the reasons you put forth. As we all know, there is nothing a man can do for a woman these days that something with batteries can't. Except for the childbearing thing, and according to what I shared with you "offline", it's clearly past that time. I would love to "out" the man, but I absolutely won't, because I have way too much respect for members of his family. Time to head for the nearest coffee bar and do some serious drinking!!

jehovah_bob 5 years, 11 months ago

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passionatelibra 5 years, 11 months ago

My instinct told me my ex was cheating. Then I started to gather up some proof. Once I had several bits of proof he still denied it. A female called our house and left a pretty nasty message on the answering machine, he still denied it. He was busted with an extremely young girl by the MP's and when I went to the MP station to confront him, he still denied it. I felt like I was going insane. He had a plausible explanation for everything I confronted him with, including the young girl.

Of course there were many other problems but the cheating hurt me the most. It can be difficult to learn to trust again but it can be done. It just takes time.

Kirk Larson 5 years, 11 months ago

Condom wrapper under the bed. Cheaters, always remember to clean up afterward.

igby 5 years, 11 months ago

If you were having someone's else dream. This is a good sign that your bond was in fact broken.

bearded_gnome 5 years, 11 months ago

The menopause comment actually makes me laugh too. I'm in what is called the pre, or perimenopausal phase. Yes, it is true that sometimes in that time of life, we do get a little crazy. Hey, the crappy thing is, a woman can start having hot flashes, a.k.a. “Power Surges” years before actual menopause. Summer in Ks is not a good time for those.

---Cheesehead. "a little crazy?" [jumps up and down, waves arms, yells at top of lungs!]

okay, now that that's out. yes, please be careful of your own feelings. they can really throw you adrift fast at this time!

regarding what you describe elsewhere, I agree with Formerlawrencers that maybe he's not cheating. sadly, a lot of men are put off by women with special needs kids, honestly.
Multi literally said a lot of what I was going to, so I want to encourage you to scroll up and read her post again.

thank you for answering my points, and this one is not the Iranian.

I wondered if something else were possibly going on with him.

you women forget that us men get depressed too. or, sometimes we feel overloaded. his being slower to answer you, maybe he's just feeling chained to his cellphone generally.

whatever, before you give him the heeave, try to have a talk with him sometime when it is just the two of you, to be fair to him.


and, Cheesehead, I got news for you: there's still one heckuva lot a man can do for a woman that a woman can't do for herself with batteries. just has to be the right man!

Christine Anderson 5 years, 10 months ago

Gnome, dang it, I needed the laughs. Thanks! Remember though, that women in premenopause are not quite as crazy as when we go into the real thing. (ha,ha) Right now, it's just a preview. Fair enough; good suggestions. I'll try.

bearded_gnome 5 years, 10 months ago

good thing Cheesehead.
I didn't want you to do something rash.

yes, I understand about the paramenapause, my wife had some of that and it wasn't as bad as surgically induced menopause, but there were plenty of emotional roller-coaster experiences!

I also worried reading this blog about you seeking relationship advice online in an anonymous forum, and that you could wind up identifying yourself.

I think you did okay on this blog.

hang in there. there was something initially that drew the two of you together.

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