http://wellcommons.com/users/photos/2013/sep/12/261333/

To the people who had kids before me,

I had no idea just how much was going on in your life after you brought that baby home. My brain couldn’t even comprehend how things changed for you. I would never have guessed that you wouldn’t exactly be stoked to leave behind your sweet newborn to rejoin us for a late night. Or why you seemed to never be listening when we had a conversation. Or why you were so crazy about who you asked to watch your kid. I totally didn’t get it.

In fact, I didn’t get a lot about the things that happen after kids. Such as:

Going out on Saturday night will NEVER be the same

There is almost nothing worse than having to keep it together and care for helpless, tiny people the day after you forgot that you no longer have the alcohol tolerance of a 22-year-old. Reliving your carefree days is so not worth paying for it, times a hundred, the next day with a hangover. No. Not ever. Never again.

Just getting a sitter, isn’t “Just getting a sitter”

With all of the horrible stories of child care providers abusing children, neglecting them and kids getting kidnapped while in their care, finding a babysitter is the furthest thing from easy for a parent to do. Once you find one, add that cost to what you’re already spending for the evening and it’s quite an expensive outing. And that is why parents only go out when it’s super duper special…or they never leave the house.

Communication is spotty

Before kids — I won’t lie — I got annoyed when it took my friends and family hours or sometimes days to call me back or reply to Facebook messages. Now that I’m a mom, I consider it a good day if I EVER respond back to people. If I have free time once the kids are fed, bathed, changed, entertained, asleep, and all of my other obligations are done for the day, I’m doing nothing or going to sleep. It’s not you, it’s me. And me is too tired to put together any more coherent thoughts.

Being oblivious to pop culture

I’m not kidding, I had to Google Olivia Munn yesterday. I read two fashion magazines this month and wanted to yell at the writers for the things they were encouraging people to do and wear. I still am trying to understand men’s fashion in 2013. And don’t even get me starting on “twerking.” When did I become so lame? When did I get this old? Get off my lawn!

Kids aren’t as portable as they seem

The first time we took HJ to a family gathering, it took us an hour to pack the car. Then, when we added another kid to the mix, our prep time increased. If we take them to someone’s home who doesn’t already have little people, we almost need to travel in a bus to carry all supplies. We also have to plan around nap times (which don’t happen at strangers’ homes), little people meal times (They eat at 5 p.m.; NO LATER or bad things happen), and bed times.

So to everyone of you to whom I said stupid things or ignorantly planned something that directly caused a meltdown from hell, I sincerely apologize.

I get it now.

Sincerely,

Larryville (Former Jerk) Mom