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Job Posting - State School Seeking New Athletic Director
The University of Kansas a Division 1++ NCAA university is seeking an older, over privileged businessman to lead its not-for-profit+++ athletic department to victory.
Successful candidates will have the following skills and qualifications.
Financial Management: Candidates should be able to increase the organization’s debt by millions of dollars without creating any stable source of long term revenue to pay the debt.
Community Outreach: Successful applicants will be able to reach out and hold other university property hostage. Outreach efforts should allow Kansas Athletics, Inc. to obtain exclusive access to shared resources such as the university mascot, campus real-estate, athletic buildings and public relations assets. These assets will be used to increase the salary of the applicant and any cronies he brings with him to the job.
Confidentiality: All financial dealings should be held in complete secrecy to prevent public scrutiny of budgets, salaries or other employee benefits.
Visionary Leadership: Go big, then go home. After demonstrating a talent for ruinous financial decisions, candidate will be allowed to deploy his golden parachute and go home without financial or legal repercussions.
Supervisory Skills: Applicant will provide his own blindfold and earmuffs to prevent successful supervision of other staff. Blindness to theft is a plus.
Prioritization: A successful candidate will be willing to put himself and his finances before any student athletes and their needs. Candidate should be willing to cancel scholarships for injured athletes, while cashing millions of dollars in checks paid for by their blood and sweat.
Discipline: Candidate should be willing to discipline anyone who gets in the way of the Kansas Athletics, Inc. juggernaut. This includes suing other departments, businesses, individuals, children and/or pets that make use of the word “Kansas” or the color “blue” in any display, product, written document, news story or sidewalk chalk drawing. A cadre of attorneys will be provided at the taxpayer’s expense.
Compensation includes a $1,400,000 / year base salary plus kickbacks and misc intellectual property. Jobs for family members and close friends. Tax free cash bonuses from outside deals. Free state owned equipment, vehicles and housing. Job security includes a $2,000,000 golden parachute.
Former Wall Street traders working at the CDO desk or in mortgage securities are encouraged to apply.
++ Division 1 status may be temporary depending on how far candidate is willing to bend recruiting rules.
+++ Kansas Athletics Inc is never to generate a profit for math or science programs, profits generated for employees, their family’s and friends are both allowed and expected.