LJWorld.com weblogs The Devil's Avocado

Tired of Smoke Smell, Dirty Carpets, Wife Institutes In-House Smoking Ban



Lawrence – A local area wife, tired of cleaning up spilled ashes and having visitors wrinkle their noses upon entering the residence, has instituted a in-house smoking ban against her husband, demanding that he smoke outside for perpetuity. This new injunction has husband and smoker friends in an uproar about personal liberties, emasculation, and having to deal with the @#$% heat and the @#$^ cold all the @#$#@$@# time.

“Man, this is bunk!” husband exclaims through coughing fits while huddled in rare bit of shade cast by small awning. “This is Kansas, man, if it’s not 95 degrees it’s about 10 degrees above absolute zero. I’m either sweating like a pig or the cig freezes to my lips and removes a bit of my skin every time I finish taking a drag! It’s what I get for marrying a commie!”

Wife remains unimpressed. “He hasn’t had a job for a bit, so I’m paying the mortgage on this house anyway. As far as I’m concerned, this is my property, and I have the final say in what does or does not happen within its walls. When he starts contributing to income he can bring it up then. ”

“Not that I’ll listen.” She adds as an afterthought. “And I prefer the term socialist.”

Negotiations to divide the house into zones were pursued, but fell through. “Sure, I can understand the bedroom, and the dining room, maybe even the living area and the rec room, but c’mon.” says husband. “It’s my mancave! She hardly ever goes down there anyway, and if I’m there I’m probably drinking cheap beer in my underwear while playing Grand Theft Auto. It’s not a place for kids, and it’s not like it’s healthy even if there isn’t any smoking. And the kitchen? Please! If you’re gonna complain about the smoke, you should complain about all the bacon frying, not to mention that black smoke that comes out when I wind up burning the pancakes again.”

The injunction came after several smoke related incidents, including holes burned into the leather couch and a dog that had a bowel movement containing several butts. “She told me to clean it up. She didn’t say how,” explains husband. “You’ve got a dog, some butts, and a small bottle of chocolate syrup. Let’s just cramp my ingenuity and entrepreneurial spirit.”

Friends agree. “They’ve got a big glass sliding door. It’s hard as hell to get that thing open after your sixth Pabst, you know. One of these days old Micky’s gonna just fall right through that thing headfirst, and who knows where we’ll be then. “

Wife continues to be unimpressed. “Smoke in the garage, dear.”


The_Original_Bob 7 years, 10 months ago

This comment was removed by the site staff for violation of the usage agreement.

Truthspeaker 7 years, 10 months ago

This comment was removed by the site staff for violation of the usage agreement.

verity 7 years, 10 months ago

And three months later, Younger-Thinner threw him out and he wanted to come back home, but Wife #1 said "Too late. I've found that I'm much better off without you."

Truthspeaker 7 years, 10 months ago

And then Controlling Ex-Wife woke up from that dream and realized she was still alone. Horribly, horribly alone.

verity 7 years, 10 months ago

He's not inhaling, just blowing smoke.

verity 7 years, 10 months ago

Dream on Truthspeaker---Wife #1is quite happy being alone, especially now that the children have left home. She's moved to a fresh, new condo, got a new hairdo, lost some weight and is no longer depressed and lethargic.

Truthspeaker 7 years, 10 months ago

Hey, if that's what she needs to tell herself, more power to her. She can have that delusional crutch.

Truthspeaker 7 years, 10 months ago

Oh, let me guess! You took a "rigorous" online quiz and you're a Master Relationshipist now too, right? Or perhaps you saw a pamphlet in gutter and now you are a Master Commenter? Judging by your oh-so-witty changing of my name to Falsehoodspeaker (I get it!) that must be the case. Don't strain yourelf too hard, you might forget all three things you had to learn to gain that vaunted "Master" Gardner status of yours.

jonas_opines 7 years, 10 months ago

No dancin' around the issue with extra letters, it seems.

Maddy Griffin 7 years, 10 months ago

Got to take wifey's side on this one. I am also a smoker and never really thought about what it does to the house until I started re-painting. The crap I washed off the walls before painting was disgusting. I immediately banned smoking in the house. Now that the grands are here, and one has asthma, it wasn't that big a deal. Now my problem is that everyone thinks that since it's just the garage, they no longer have to aim for the ashtray. Every week I sweep up a dustpan full of butts. Filthy habit. Best advice my Mom (may she rest in peace) ever gave me; Don't start!

notajayhawk 7 years, 10 months ago

My first wife was allergic to smoke. The house we owned was the first non-smoking home I had ever been in (except for the basement and garage). It was amazing, with the rest of the house smoke-free, how I could smell the smoke on my coats and jackets when I opened the hall closet.

I know what you mean about the floor, though. The house had a finished basement, with a full bar and pool table, among other things. It also had a linoleum floor, and my poker buddies and other visitors also considered it a basement, not a rec room, so it wasn't unusual to find butts everywhere.

jonas_opines 7 years, 10 months ago

Yeah, as I mentioned in the previous rendition that got pulled, I actually instituted my own smoking ban about a year before I met my wife. Me and a roomie were moving from one apartment to another in the same complex, and when we pulled out our couches and TV from the living room there was this dark greyish diamond, clearly outlined, marking where they had been. That was enough for me. For one thing, the cleaning necessary to get it livable for somebody else really kills the security deposit.

notajayhawk 7 years, 10 months ago

In my last apartment, even though I lived alone when I moved in, I decided I wouldn't smoke inside. Stamping my feet in the snow on my deck one fine winter evening, I finally designated my office in the second bedroom as my smoking area. When we were moving out, and taking down the pictures, it was amazing the more-than-slight difference in the color of the walls.

(With one kid confirmed as having asthma and the other a probable, we don't smoke in our current home.)

RoeDapple 7 years, 10 months ago

I don't discourage smoking by others, they know by now what the risks and expenses are. For myself, I quit 39 years ago. At 35 cents a pack they were costing me 30 dollars per month, and at three packs a day I was even then feeling the effects on my health.

This morning I read that in New York cigarettes now average $11 per pack, or nearly $1,000 per month for a 3 pack per day smoker. I can only imagine what an extra grand per month would do for me. Extended vacations, nicer cars, remodeled home. College for grandchild(ren). Probably one of the toughest addictions to beat, I was able to stop on the first try. Still, after nearly 40 years, if someone lights one up in the room I might stop, inhale and think,'That's gotta be a Winston!'...

notajayhawk 7 years, 10 months ago

Great. I'll be in New York at the end of next week. (They were almost $8/pack the last time I was there, about 5 years ago.) Might be a good time to quit!!

jonas_opines 7 years, 10 months ago

They're getting close to $8 here. I switched to Black and Mild cigars, and sadly I inhale them. hackhackcough

But there about a dollar for one, or 4 for 5. 2 per day.

Anyway, going to San Diego in a few weeks to see the folks, so I'm gonna try and quit again out there. Much easier with no psych triggers.

notajayhawk 7 years, 10 months ago

"The injunction came after several smoke related incidents, including holes burned into the leather couch ..."

Again, when married to the first wife, we had bought an almost new Camaro Berlinetta, which, like the house, was a non-smoking zone. When we split up, since she stayed in the house, I took the Camaro. A few days later, a friend of mine said "I guess we can smoke in the car now, right?" I said what the heck. The T-tops were off, and his elbow was propped on the top of the door, and the first cigarette smoked in that car found its way to burning a hole in the passenger-side sun visor.

Commenting has been disabled for this item.