The Devil's Avocado
Lawrence – A local area wife, tired of cleaning up spilled ashes and having visitors wrinkle their noses upon entering the residence, has instituted a in-house smoking ban against her husband, demanding that he smoke outside for perpetuity. This new injunction has husband and smoker friends in an uproar about personal liberties, emasculation, and having to deal with the @#$% heat and the @#$^ cold all the @#$#@$@# time.
“Man, this is bunk!” husband exclaims through coughing fits while huddled in rare bit of shade cast by small awning. “This is Kansas, man, if it’s not 95 degrees it’s about 10 degrees above absolute zero. I’m either sweating like a pig or the cig freezes to my lips and removes a bit of my skin every time I finish taking a drag! It’s what I get for marrying a commie!”
Wife remains unimpressed. “He hasn’t had a job for a bit, so I’m paying the mortgage on this house anyway. As far as I’m concerned, this is my property, and I have the final say in what does or does not happen within its walls. When he starts contributing to income he can bring it up then. ”
“Not that I’ll listen.” She adds as an afterthought. “And I prefer the term socialist.”
Negotiations to divide the house into zones were pursued, but fell through. “Sure, I can understand the bedroom, and the dining room, maybe even the living area and the rec room, but c’mon.” says husband. “It’s my mancave! She hardly ever goes down there anyway, and if I’m there I’m probably drinking cheap beer in my underwear while playing Grand Theft Auto. It’s not a place for kids, and it’s not like it’s healthy even if there isn’t any smoking. And the kitchen? Please! If you’re gonna complain about the smoke, you should complain about all the bacon frying, not to mention that black smoke that comes out when I wind up burning the pancakes again.”
The injunction came after several smoke related incidents, including holes burned into the leather couch and a dog that had a bowel movement containing several butts. “She told me to clean it up. She didn’t say how,” explains husband. “You’ve got a dog, some butts, and a small bottle of chocolate syrup. Let’s just cramp my ingenuity and entrepreneurial spirit.”
Friends agree. “They’ve got a big glass sliding door. It’s hard as hell to get that thing open after your sixth Pabst, you know. One of these days old Micky’s gonna just fall right through that thing headfirst, and who knows where we’ll be then. “
Wife continues to be unimpressed. “Smoke in the garage, dear.”
This one came into being about the same time as the other. I've been thinking that a politico game of Clue would be funny to try to come up with and design, and knocked out these several categories. I know that I've got the number of players and the number of characters right, not so sure about the number of rooms. We don't have a Clue game.
Anyway, this place is a hotbed for humor on its good days so I though I'd see what all you guys can come up with. There are a couple of the existing names that I like less than others, but I do want to have balance, of course. I try very hard to be an equal opportunity mocker. But I'm never so in love with my own work as to not like other suggestions more.
So let me know if you have any ideas. If I can get some good ones I'll work on making some cartoon pictures for them like the original clue cards.
Politicos Clue – Who Killed America?
Democrat D. Dreaming (blue)
Republican R. Blowhard (red)
Righty C. Punditz (brown)
Ludicrous L. Libertarian (purple)
Lefty Q. Loony (green)
Pinko Commie (pink)
Statewide Smoking Ban
Progressive Tax Rate Hike
Homosexual Marriage License
Proxy Latin Dictatorship
Middle Eastern Warzone
Ambiguous Foreign Threat
Asian Manufacturing Zone
It's so incredible that it almost couldn't be true, but I checked a whole bunch of Wikipedia links, listened to innumerable expert opinions on a couple Internet forums, and I have no found no evidence to contradict it.
We, the United States, have been actively engaged in Socialist Practices(tm), on a scale more grand than even Ron Paul's most fevered dreams could have seemed able to come up with. Now, I'm not talking about those unimportant things like care for the elderly or making sure that the homeless don't starve. While it's true that Big Government currently has it's Talons deep into these things, we have bigger fish to fry today. And I'm not talking about Health Care either. Thankfully Socialist Tendencies(r) have only been allowed to penetrate so deep into how we look after the aged and infirm. No, I'm afraid that we have allowed one of our oldest, one of our most Hallowed Institutions, to become so infested with Socialist parasites that practically the entire thing is run by Big Government. Big Government, which has time and again proven that it can not manage anything with efficiency; that can not be trusted to run social programs without falling pray to entitlement spending; that can not be trusted to properly run our Health Care without horribly diminishing quality of product, service, and staffing. And yet this vast and immensely powerful Institution is owned almost entirely as a public asset, restricted and protected from the Free Market by walls of Government subsidies and interventions.
Face it folks, it's past time to privatize National Defense.
No longer can we allow something as vital to our nation's safety to remain in the greedy, corrupt, and incompetent hands of Washington bureaucrats. It has been shown over and over again that there is no industry that the Government runs with better efficiency than is capable in the Free Market. It's time for us to expect that same level of efficiency and competitiveness from our military as we do from things of lesser importance like automobiles and financial planning. When you're about to cower in a bunker as hordes of screaming Islamofascist militants get ready to flood our streets, do you want our Protection to be motivated by something stupid like love for our country and its people or do you want them to be motivated by hard and quantifiable things like Return on Investment and Increased Market Share? I, for one, think that's a question easily answered!
Sure, I've heard something to the effect that it's in the Constitution or something, but c'mon. In it's first draft it forgot to mention that we have the right to bear arms and say whatever we want. And let us not forget that this is the document so short-sighted to have not mentioned that marriage is between a man and a woman. If the cause is important enough, the Constitution will understand.
We can ill afford not to act on this. Our military, at home and abroad, is in the hands of Big Government. Any third-rate country can boast a tin-soldier mercenary army, and we're the United States. Once privatized, we will quickly see efficiency and effectiveness of execution returned to our glorious Armed Forces. It might be true that some gets sub-contracted to Mexico or South Korea, but you can be assured that you are getting the best, highest quality service the market can demand. This must be done, and it must be done quickly. After all, for those that know, the Domo-kuns are coming.
With that in place, we can worry about the Police. I hear they're heavily subsidized, too.
But for now I'm off. I have some shares in Boeing to purchase.
A Vote For Obama Is A Vote For The Aliens and the Resurrected Hitler to Destroy the World With Domo-Kuns
http://worldonline.media.clients.elli... has been apparent for some time, should you have looked for it, the election of Barack Hussein Obama will bring about a very dark period of time, which will end in famine and decay, the return of Hitler, and a tide of darkness from which we, of course, will never, ever, escape from. In case you have missed this very real and factual story, here's how it will come about. First, not many people know that the original Obama is currently residing with the indiginous people of Hyper-Andromache VII. (The original is not actually that good of an orator, but other than that the new likeness is pretty good) The Andromacheans, a species with highly advanced technology but some very anti-American views on the role of biscuits in our daily lives, kidnapped the original and replaced him with the doppelganger for the original purpose of nothing more than analysis. They had a quota to reach, as follows:An educated mixed-race male politician: ObamaA young Caucasian female dancer: Britney Spears A potentially psychotic Asian Dictator: Kim Jong IlA fat guy with opinions: Michael Moore*A few others that don't bear mentioning at this point. However, when programming some of the doppelgangers, they made a few errors. I don't think we need to go into the programming issues with the Britney Spears dupe. Kim Jong Il's is having some difficulty adapting to the new environment. Michael Moore's is having productivity problems, after developing a fixation on the Right-Wing. Obama's ended up being too good of a speaker, and to the alien's surprise is now a potential winner of the Presidential election. It is important to note at this point that they did Not anticipate this actually occurring. What species of rational beings would vote for somebody with no experience just because they're a good speaker, unless they're matched against a woman many people thought was a robot, and a man who looks like he's on death's door? Well, now they have a problem. You see, the Andromacheans belong to a galactic guild with a specific non-intervention clause, and this research was actually illegal. With their doppelganger potentially in danger of obtaining power, they have a potential embarrassment on their hands in the inter-galactic courts, and they will try and cover it up. This calls for total destruction of our planetary population, or at least the entire population that has ever heard of Obama. (If you haven't heard of him stop reading and you might be safe) Since this is all a big cover-up, they can't do this directly, so the answer is obvious: resurrect Hitler. (and bring in the Domo-kuns)The aliens, of course, know that Hitler's remains are in Xinjiang province in China, since Zhou Enlai was one of their very first substitutions, just after WWII, and he told them about the French/Chinese conspiracy. First, though, they have to make their army, and that's where the Domo-Kuns come in. As you can see from the picture above, a Domo-kun is strong, and quick enough to grab a poisonous snake without getting bit. Though they came to Earth through Japan, they were imported there by the CEO of the NHK corporation, who was, of course, also a doppelganger. If you've been to Target recently you've seen proof of the Domo-kun expansion. Is it coincidence that Domo-kuns appeared as a "Halloween Promotion" just prior to this election? Not to mention Nickelodean's potential show, to indoctrinate our children. It's the element of surprise. This exposure will give rise to the notion of their cuteness and harmlessness, so when they finally invade, with Hitler at their head, to take down Obama and anyone who knows about him, we'll let them come way too close for cuddles, and then they'll rip our heads off. Paired with Domo-kuns, even Hitler might regain people's trust. So you see the problem. Should Obama gain power, it's only a matter of time before the Aliens resurrect Hitler to lead the army of Domo-kuns to destroy all evidence of their illegal research. The end result will be immense depopulation, and we all know that Domo-kuns are socialist anyway. So remember this before you make your vote. But please, don't vote for McCain, unless you want the polar bears to resurrect Hitler for the promise of Nuclear Winter.
http://worldonline.media.clients.elli... has been apparent for some time, should you have looked for it, the election of John Sidney McCain will bring about a very dark period of time, which will end in famine and decay, the return of Hitler, and a tide of darkness from which we, of course, will never, ever, escape from. In case you have missed this very real and factual story, here's how it will come about. First, not many people know that John McCain is not, in fact, a human at all. He is actually a polar bear. You can see this clearly in the pictures. Now, the thing about polar bears is that they don't like the warmth. (Well, that and they like to munch on seals, but McCain hasn't been to the Arctic in some time, to stave off the chance for embarrassing photos) Up until now, the polar bears have been content in the Arctic because it's been very cold up there. However, with global climate change they have been having a difficult time, as the temperature rises they start to sweat more and become quite aggravated. You can see this in McCain's behavior over the past two unseasonably warm months. This is actually why McCain was sent south in the first place, to see what could be done about the problem of rising temperatures, and because he was a reasonably even-tempered bear, only seeming to be marginally angry most times by human standards. Now, the question is, what can the bears due about Global Warming?The answer, of course, is Nuclear Winter. This is why the bears need to gain the Presidency, and why McCain has seemed so much angrier as the polls get worse for him. You see, the bears themselves cannot, on their own, figure out how to create Nuclear Winter. They have, in fact, had access to a warhead from a crashed bomber for over 40 years, but they have not been able to detonate it properly because they lack opposable thumbs. In frustration, they sent bears south to blend into a number of the powerful countries. (Boris Yeltsin, Richard Attenborough, Emperor Palpatine, to name a few) The problem, they have discovered, is that to actually gain access to the bombs necessary to create Nuclear Winter, they would have to expose themselves, because you definitely undergo a complete physical before you get the keys to the Bomb, and an independent examiner would conclude that they are really a polar bear very quickly. It's only been in the last few years that the key was provided to them.Resurrect Hitler!Now, this might not actually make immediate sense if you are not a sweating, aggravated polar bear, so try and stay with me. You see, Hitler is by far the only figure who's reappearance would virtually guarantee a new series of nuclear strikes. Mostly it's because of that mustache, everyone recognizes the mustache. The bears have long known that Hitler's remains, an obviously necessary part of the resurrection ritual, reside in Xinjiang (otherwise knows as East Turkistan) the most Eastern Province in mainland China. They were hidden there in 1948 by members of the Chinese/French Conspiracy. (surely you've heard of that!) Of course, China was a closed country for quite some time, and the bears found it much more difficult to pass as Chinese people than as Westerners, and they've had trouble (don't we all?) really getting the nuances of either the Chinese or French language. However, since the economic reforms, China has been much more accessible, and it's only been since then that the bears have been seriously trying to gain preeminent power, and only since our invasion of Afghanistan that it has become a must-win for them. So there you have it. Should McCain gain power, the bears will resurrect Hitler in East Turkistan. It is virtually guaranteed that the return of Hitler will cause the Chinese to launch nukes. McCain himself will then have every reason to launch his own, and Yeltsin will as well. (I hope you weren't under the impression that he was dead). The end result will be Nuclear Winter, making the bears very happy, but not so wonderful for us. Our lives will cease, save a few who become food or slaves of the bears. So remember this before you make your vote. But please, don't vote for Obama unless you want the aliens to resurrect Hitler to destroy the world with mutant Domo-Kuns.