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Stop Me If You've Heard This One
This recently released Coptic parchment fragment, measuring 1 1/2" x 3", in part reads,"Jesus said to them, my wife . . ."
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My guess is she cut him off mid sentence before he said something she would make him regret later . . . .
Henny Youngman was unavailable for comment.
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
Ima thinkin' that there First Council of Nicaea musta decideded they didn't want no interfering woman influencing the "Word" so if they wanted the dude to be single then by gumption that be the way they editededed it.
Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right…and the other is the husband.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Easy, dude, easy....
she loves me. Just wait 'til it's her turn...
A thousand pardons, but here's another one:
I told my wife her belly was too big.
She said, "That's a bit below the belt."
"Exactly." I said.
I heard of a man whose wife died years before he did. When he arrived in Heaven, his wife came running up to him and said, "Oh honey, after all these years we're together again!"
He looked at her and said: "No way! The deal was til death do us part! This is Heaven!"
My buddy told me he was gonna get a divorce because his wife hasn't spoken to him in 2 years. I told him he'd better think it over because women like that are hard to find.
Just gimme the word, RoeDy & I'll shut up. Until then...
I asked my wife to bring home a case of beer & she showed up with a jar of cold cream. I told her the beer would've made her look better at night. And that's how the fight started...
You are very secure in this marriage, for sure!
"Just gimme the word, RoeDy & I'll shut up. Until then..."
Hey, once I hit "post" it goes wherever y'all takes it!
When my friend rubbed a magic lamp, a genie popped out & said 'You can have a wish but whatever it is, your wife will get double.'
My friend looked at him & said 'Scare me half to death.'
Yah, me too. If I'd realized they were gonna yank it, I woulda let 'er rip a lot more than I did.
I kid around a lot, but I've developed quite an attachment for my lovely bride. It fits snugly over the mouth...
This evening my wife asked me "What's on TV?"
Without looking up from my laptop I said "Dust".
Guys, tomorrow I'll be busy dusting . . . .
My wife was watching the newlyweds next door & said 'Do you see that? Every time she turns around he kisses her. Why don't you do that?'
I said 'I'd love to, but I don't know her well enough.'
Here is a copy of an e-mail I recieved from Multi once on this subject.
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!
Continued (LJW said it was too long)
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Send this to women who need a laugh and to men you think can handle it.
Be careful posting any replies. I pretty sure that when Multi got to the pearly gates and they asked her what one thing she want to take in with her, she asked for her own great big "disappeardeding button" for the LJW.
We used to breed dogs & one time I suggested to my wife that we should behave like dogs in the bedroom.
She said 'We already do. When we're in bed, you sit up & beg while I roll over & play dead.'
I was thinking about buying a new car for my wife & brought home a nice little economy sedan for her to test drive. She said she didn't like it & wanted something that would go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.
So I returned the car & bought her a bathroom scale.
Two musicians were talking & one asked the other 'Who was that piccolo I saw you with ?'
The other said 'That was no piccolo, that was my fife.'
One time, during a long road trip, my wife & were having a verbal tussle when we passed a barnyard full of pigs & jackasses.
'Relatives of yours?' I asked her.
'Yeah' she said. 'They're my in-laws.'
I told my wife I needed more space, so she locked me out of the house.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburetor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
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