LJWorld.com weblogs Commonplace
In the past week I have lost two comforts of my life: my job and my boyfriend. In both situations I was told that it was nothing I did wrong. The principal at my school explained to me that they were reorganizing the staff and that there wouldn't be a position open for me. My boyfriend told me that I didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't feel the things a boyfriend should. But as each began to explain how I was no longer needed in their lives I couldn't help but wonder: If I had done better could I have saved my job/boyfriend?I began wondering if that one time in January when I took a 35 minute lunch instead of a 30 minute lunch hadn't been as sly as I had thought. I began to wish that I had never gotten mad at my boyfriend when he teased me or didn't call back right away. I began to wish I had appreciated my job a little more and told my boyfriend how lucky I felt to be with him every second I had the chance. I kept hoping for a second chance, from either of them.Tomorrow is the last day of school. My ex-boyfriend won't even speak to me. The second chance I desire is not going to happen. Deep down in my heart I know this. But then one of my kids will present me with the cutest drawing of a lion and the hurt of knowing that I won't get to see her succeed next year will be almost too much too handle. Or I'll find my ex-boyfriends sweatshirt in my car and fight back tears as I realize he'll never again ask me if I'm cold. I hate change. I've never been one to look forward to new things because to be honest, I scare easily. My principal told me he'd make phone calls to other principals to help me find a new job. And my friends keep telling me that my ex-boyfriend really cared about me and someday maybe we can meet again, catch up on life and become friendly.I take comfort in these thoughts. I also take comfort in the knowledge that with time things get easier. I know this and I know that there will be other boys, other jobs and other kids who need my help. This will get me through the day:Until Ryan tells me a joke at lunch and I'll laugh so hard that I'll want to tell a certain boy.