LJWorld.com weblogs Commonplace
In the past week I have lost two comforts of my life: my job and my boyfriend. In both situations I was told that it was nothing I did wrong. The principal at my school explained to me that they were reorganizing the staff and that there wouldn't be a position open for me. My boyfriend told me that I didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't feel the things a boyfriend should. But as each began to explain how I was no longer needed in their lives I couldn't help but wonder: If I had done better could I have saved my job/boyfriend?I began wondering if that one time in January when I took a 35 minute lunch instead of a 30 minute lunch hadn't been as sly as I had thought. I began to wish that I had never gotten mad at my boyfriend when he teased me or didn't call back right away. I began to wish I had appreciated my job a little more and told my boyfriend how lucky I felt to be with him every second I had the chance. I kept hoping for a second chance, from either of them.Tomorrow is the last day of school. My ex-boyfriend won't even speak to me. The second chance I desire is not going to happen. Deep down in my heart I know this. But then one of my kids will present me with the cutest drawing of a lion and the hurt of knowing that I won't get to see her succeed next year will be almost too much too handle. Or I'll find my ex-boyfriends sweatshirt in my car and fight back tears as I realize he'll never again ask me if I'm cold. And my heart won't let me accept that it's over.I hate change. I've never been one to look forward to new things because to be honest, I scare easily. My principal told me he'd make phone calls to other principals to help me find a new job. And my friends keep telling me that my ex-boyfriend really cared about me and someday maybe we can meet again, catch up on life and become friendly. I take comfort in these thoughts. I also take comfort in the knowledge that with time things get easier. I know this and I know that there will be other boys, other jobs and other kids who need my help. This will get me through the day:Until Ryan tells me a joke at lunch and I'll laugh so hard that I'll want to tell a certain boy.