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"A lawyer walks into a bar ...;" He's marrying a lawyer!

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A member of our online community is marrying a lawyer.

I'm seriously hoping that the lawyers among us can share some wisdom for this soon-to-be-husband.

plus, we just don't see enough lawyer jokes, do we?

I could say please keep your entries brief, but I won't.

Comments

Pywacket 3 years, 11 months ago

Ha! Just catching up to this blog... I have a wonderful brother-in-law who is a lawyer (for a private corporation--no defending douchebag child molesters, etc., in court) and he greatly enjoys lawyer jokes.

People who can't laugh at jokes about their profession (or their whatever) must have a very grim life. I love to send "blonde" jokes to my blonde sister. In turn, she can feel free to send "old" jokes to me, as I am quite a few years her senior.

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 11 months ago

backstory on this blog, one posteress got really pi$$ed off. I am a pig for posting this blog. and, what about humor at wedding times?

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

not a joke and not intended the way it seems: William Shakespeare in Henry VI

"First we kill all the lawyers,"

in context, it demonstrates that lawyers who stand for principles oppose totalitarian rule.

so, if you see it on a T-shirt, think twice.

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Bob Kraxner 3 years, 12 months ago

my only question is.... what kind of dope are gnome and hawk doing ? ? ?

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?"

The lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

I really would like to see some jokes here that lawyers tell each other! I know they exist, just don't have any available. So, counselors, please bring them here! or are there jokes lawyers tell which make average citizens, jury members, plaintiffs, defendants, or judges the butt of the jokes?

c'mon and balance the account here a little.


Nota: 'Hey lady - if I can tell you what color your hair really is - can I have my dog back?' ---very good my friend, lmao!

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

Nota, thanks and yes, it was a joke relevant to my own profession. as to jokes told before my own wedding! OMG. they did pertain to my profession, there were amazingly crude jokes, sexual jokes, told by my wife's female relatives... I learned that regarding humor and weddings, you have to have a very loose hold on the rope! humor just happens at weddings and its all over the place!

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notajayhawk 3 years, 12 months ago

bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

"So a blonde lawyer dyes her hair brown to get some respect ..."

Same blonde lawyer, still feeling smarter for the darkened locks, continues down the country road, but has to stop while a shepherd brings his flock from one pasture to another. She gets out and says to the man, 'Hey mister, if I can tell you how much money you'll get when you bring this wool to market, can I have one of your sheep?'

The shepherd says 'Sure, why not?'

The blonde lawyer says 'Well, I counted 516 sheep in your flock, and I know from the encyclopedia there's an average yield of 'X' pounds of wool per sheep, and from the business section of the paper I know that's selling for 'Y' dollars per pound, so you should get 'Z' dollars.'

The shepherd admits that's pretty good, and tells her to go ahead and pick out her sheep. While she's loading her choice into the car, he says to her:

'Hey lady - if I can tell you what color your hair really is - can I have my dog back?'

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notajayhawk 3 years, 12 months ago

Multidisciplinary (anonymous) says…

"gnome, I wonder, if you were marrying again, and someone posted a blog about something about you for people to make cutting jokes about, how would you feel?"

Actually, multi, the gnome posted a joke that might have been slightly disparaging towards people in his own field, and something a little close to my own endeavors. (No offense taken, gnome - okay, not a lot of offense taken!)

I would think that lawyers are used to it. It kind of goes with the territory, like celebrities get used to the paparazzi. And I would also think that being thin-skinned wouldn't be a useful personality trait in that profession.

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

Very good Sassypants!


it seems that 16XXKentucky [Marioni] has left the building! bye-bye lil fella!

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

So a blonde lawyer dyes her hair brown to get some respect. She becomes more and more successful as the years pass. One day while driving home, she sees a blonde girl in an open field sitting in a boat rowing as hard as she can. The blonde lawyer gets out of her Mercedes and yells at the blonde in the boat "You know, it's blonde girls like you that give blonde girls like me a bad rep. And if I could swim I would go over there and kick your a$$!"

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

Thinking like a blonde/thinking like a lawyer: http://www.blondejd.com/my-blog/thinking-like-a-lawyer/

she recommends a book "should you marry a lawyer" [think I've got the title right.]

but every profession has particular personality traits that concentrate in it.

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

p.s. Multi I can tell you jokes regarding my wife's profession, some of which I've heard from her!


Well, as John Roberts said at a commencement address, the problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and non-lawyers don’t think they’re jokes.

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

Multi, actually he's injoying it very much. and there's always lots of humor about a wedding.

I do hope we can hear the jokes lawyers tell each other.


Thinking-out-loud, that was good and thanks for the link.

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Multidisciplinary 3 years, 12 months ago

When I was told about this, I was reminded of the scene in Runaway Bride when Richard Gere points out to all "Maggie's" friends and family, that those 'Oh so cute' jabs they take turns making at her, really aren't so cute, but in fact, quiet cruel, and certainly not warranted before someone's wedding. I hope the bride is taking this well, and the groom too.

gnome, I wonder, if you were marrying again, and someone posted a blog about something about you for people to make cutting jokes about, how would you feel?

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Thinking_Out_Loud 3 years, 12 months ago

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: The lawyer can take his wingtips off.

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sassypants 3 years, 12 months ago

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: “I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client’s defense.”

The judge asked, “What new evidence could you have?”

The lawyer replied, “My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!”

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

I'd forgotten that Will Rogers spoke about lawyers I1.

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independant1 3 years, 12 months ago

If it wasn’t for Wills, lawyers would have to go to work at an essential employment. (Will Rogers)

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

well Hi Marioni, you have a thing for lawyers I see!

Other than the above, lawyers should be kept on their leashes and not allowed in public. Feed and water them; walk them, so that they do not poison your house with excrement but otherwise keep them in close check.

---how about keeping lawyers on log chains tied up in the yard?

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

Part One Continued:

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

    3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

A3: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

End Part One: To Be Continued..

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: How many can you afford?

A2: Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

How do you tell the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

. . . One wallows in the mud and is a blood- sucking scavenger — the other is a fish!

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

What's the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?

. . . You can make a pet out of the snake.

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

. . . Not enough sand!

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?

. . . Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them.

. . . Lab personnel don't get as emotionally attached to them.

. . . Lawyers do things rats won't.

. . . Animal protection groups don't get nearly as excited.

. . . Some people actually LIKE rats.

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

. . . "Good morning, Your Honor."

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

What do you call parachuting lawyers?

. . . Skeet.

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 years old died and arrived at the pearly gates of heaven. The lawyer said to St. Peter, "I am surprised I died so young. I was very active and always ate well. And I'm only 50 years old!"

St. Peter looked at his book and looked back down at the lawyer. "Fifty years old, you say?"

According to your billing records, you should be 83."

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the Atlanic Ocean?

A good start!

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1614kentucky 3 years, 12 months ago

How are a human sperm cell and a lawyer alike?

Each one has a one in one-hundred-million chance of becoming a human being!

Lawyers should be used only for the following reasons:

(1) To get you out of deals that you are too embarrassedto or don't know how to get out of on your own.

(2) To represent you in our crooked and fixed legal system should some other lawyer sue you or some equally crooked prosecutor files criminal charges against you.

(3) To get you your money.

(4) To out-intimidate the other guy.

Other than the above, lawyers should be kept on their leashes and not allowed in public. Feed and water them; walk them, so that they do not poison your house with excrement but otherwise keep them in close check.

All lawyers undergo a "rebirth" the day they enter law school and are taught to be deal killers. Lawyers are not taught to make things work but instead are schooled to keep things from working so as to create liability and other unnecessarily complex issues from which lawyers can steal money.

Congress is mostly composed of lawyers and look at that mess!

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

'That's the first lawyer we've ever seen.'

lmao!

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notajayhawk 3 years, 12 months ago

The Catholic cardinal dies and goes to heaven. After being checked in, he's show to a nice little apartment, cozy, but not too lavish. It's explained to him that his dwelling was chosen based on his position in life. The place is spacious for a single man, well appointed, with a lovely view, and the cardinal is satisfied.

But looking out the window, he sees, way up on top of the hill, a huge mansion apparently lined in gold. He inquires of St Peter who it might be that lives there, assuming it must be one of the popes at the least, or perhaps a saint - perhaps even the Lord himself.

St Peter says 'No, that an attorney living up there.'

The cardinal is incensed! 'An attorney! Why, that's blasphemous! Here I am, perhaps undeserving of such richness, but nonetheless a prince of the Church, why, I was almost elected to the papacy several years ago! Why does an attorney deserve such reward in heaven?'

St Peter calmly tells the cardinal, 'Hey, we've got hundreds of cardinals up here, plus dozens of popes, most of the Apostles, and a boatload of saints.

'That's the first lawyer we've ever seen.'

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

Married ten times, still a virgin. ... now, husband eleven.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

brother Prune, LOL!


An old man lying on his deathbed summond his doctor, lawyer and his priest. He handed each of them an envelope containing $30,000. "Gentlemen, they say you can't take it with you but I am going to try. When they lower my casket into the ground I want each of you to toss in the envelope I gave you." After the funeral the doctor confessed to the other two "We needed money to build a new clinic, so I kept $20,000 and only threw in $10,000." The Priest also confessed "We needed renovations at the the church so I kept $10,000 and only threw in $20,000." The lawyer shook his head in disgust. "Gentlemen I am ashamed of you...I threw in a cheque for the full amount"

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BigPrune 3 years, 12 months ago

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

How do you tell if it is REALLY cold outside?

A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets


why are lawyers burried twelve feet under?

because, down deep, they're really not so bad after all.


A convention of lawyers at one hotel, and across the street was a convention of sex workers [prostitutes].

...you finish the joke for 100-points.

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beatrice 3 years, 12 months ago

Q: Difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: Skid marks in front of the skunk.

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Ronda Miller 3 years, 12 months ago

Funny jokes. I know I've heard many over the years but I'll have to give thought and get back to you. I'm enjoying reading the ones posted.

Marrying a lawyer! The nerve! :)

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

Wow! are there inside jokes lawyers tell each other?

smith and jones LOL.


A lawyer walks into a bar gets sloppy drunk, and proceeds to make insulting comments to a woman sitting next to him. The bar tender throws him out, saying, "I never want to see you here again!"

The lawyer sits down on the curb and cries. A friend of his passing by sees him and asks him, "What's wrong?"

He replies, "I got disbarred."

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Slowponder 3 years, 12 months ago

Smith and Jones were long-time partners in the practice of law. They shared everything, including the affections of their secretary. When she became pregnant, they were overjoyed to learn that she would have twins, so the two babies would have two fathers.
When the day came, all three went to the hospital, but half-way through the delivery, Smith felt faint and ran outside to get some fresh air. Jones rushed out after the delivery and found Smith. Smith asked, 'Well?' Jones said, 'I have some good news and bad news.' 'What is the good news?' asked Smith. 'You have a healthy baby boy.' 'What's the bad news?' "My twin died."

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

Nota/I1, very good.
Roe, you use Google language tools for that?


A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well" said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it" said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes" he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" "From my nose" the drunk replied.

---was on the internet, not anymore...sorta.


if Crop dusters do it "low and slow," and truckers do it for the "long haul," then Lawyers do it for "hours ... billable hours."

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Shane Garrett 3 years, 12 months ago

Lawyers are being used for expierments. Some things rats just won't do.
Sharks refuse to eat lawyers outta professional courtisy.

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RoeDapple 3 years, 12 months ago

The Lawyer says:

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

Translated:

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

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independant1 3 years, 12 months ago

Personally I don’t think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of the Legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer. (Will Rogers)

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

kudos to TOB/Jonas for the team effort, LMAO!


yes, fella ya better watch the prenup indeed!

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notajayhawk 3 years, 12 months ago

The devil appears before a lawyer and offers him unlimited wealth and power, but in return, the lawyer's mother will suffer eternal pain and torment in hell.

The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"

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notajayhawk 3 years, 12 months ago

What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?

One is a slimy, scaly, cold-blooded, bottom-feeding pond creature.

The other one's a fish.

(Liberty275: A good start.)

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Multidisciplinary 3 years, 12 months ago

He's got all the wisdom he needs..he knows to hop2it and go help look for his soon to be mother in law's dog when it's missing, and seriously, if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. wink wink wink (waves at family, glad pooch is home safe)

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Liberty275 3 years, 12 months ago

what do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean?

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jonas_opines 3 years, 12 months ago

It came out of nowhere! What? Dis bar! I been dis barred!

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The_Original_Bob 3 years, 12 months ago

A lawyer walks into a bar …

You think he would have felt it!

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volunteer 3 years, 12 months ago

I think "Wall Street Trader" jokes are more funny these days.

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RoeDapple 3 years, 12 months ago

Oh lord, lawyer jokes! My son in law is an attorney, he knows them all! I'll have to get some from him and get back with you.

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blue73harley 3 years, 12 months ago

Don't let your soon-to-be new spouse write the pre-nup.

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

so, what is it like being married to a lawyer? any warnings for this new fish?

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bearded_gnome 3 years, 12 months ago

this fellow may choose to identify himself here, or he may not.

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