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Writing your erotica: an afternoon lead by Dixie Lubin in the company of other women


It was Sunday afternoon the last weekend of April. I had been looking forward to Dixie Lubin's erotica workshop ever since I'd heard about it and immediately had signed up to attend. I was running late, having been at a committee retreat meeting at our local District Two Kansas Authors Club President, Susie Nightingale's house.

I parked in the lot adjacent the house where I attend poetry sessions twice monthly, let myself quietly in and grabbed the closest chair. Dixie Lubin (one of my favorite poets who has the most lovely open and accepting demeanor) was leading the group of approximately ten women, ages ranging forties, fifties and sixties, in an awareness exercise. The other women were sitting quietly with their eyes closed, faces open and relaxed. Dixie smiled serenely in my direction as I immediately dropped the hustle and stress of everyday life and allowed myself to be carried into another world. She was talking about allowing a rose to unfold within our heart and chest area, as well as in our minds. When I think of rose petals unfurling, I think about a specific body part opening and as we came out of the relaxation and awareness guidance, my writing about my sexuality began to open and unfold.

Writing erotica was an enlightening and profoundly moving experience. As the women took turns going around the table reading what they had written - a blend of fact, fantasy, desire - I learned a great deal about them, myself, social taboos and just how similar all of us are in terms of our sexuality.

Erotica can mean many different things to different people - I tend to look things up in the dictionary, and I noticed another word for erotica is porn (really! hehe), but erotica isn't porn to me. Erotica is the softer side of sex. It isn't just about the thrusts, inserts, positions, numbers, it is about touching another, oneself, love making, pleasuring, titillating, caressing, openness, experimentation, non judgement.....perhaps even going someplace no man has gone before.

So, not only did I learn a great deal about myself, the wonderful sharing ability and life experiences of the other women within the group, but also about what often is missing from our lives. As a Life Coach, I frequently discuss how short this human experience is, how important it is not to allow fear to control and box us in within our lives, how we should put away the judgements we feel toward other people - and often, feel even more harshly towards ourselves.

I shared my erotica writings with male friends over the next few days. I was delighted and surprised when they shared some of their own with me. It wasn't porn, it was an appreciation of the absolutely wonderful sensations our bodies have the capability to feel and assist another to feel. It was an appreciation of the beauty of our sexuality in all its vast ability to give and receive. And, I suspected that if I were to share what was written by the males and females, no one would have known the difference of which sex it had been written.

I've heard a lot of positive media about the book, "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E L James. I have not read it. I don't have the time. I'm too busy writing and experiencing my own erotica.

Please share your own favorite memory of an erotic time (remember this is a community forum with restrictions and young readers).

What have you done to enhance your sexuality recently?


Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

Well, Ronda, since you asked: I checked out that incredible home theater system again, that's what I did recently to "enhance" it. The room it's in is the guest bedroom while I'm here, which is handy. Once again, it worked great, even better than last time. In fact it went right over my head and onto the floor, as I discovered later when I stepped in it. But at least it was easy to clean up, unlike the walls in my apartment where paint is going to be required.

I think I missed my calling. Why don't the actors in those movies ever do it like that?

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

But I couldn't understand much of it because it was all in German. What a way to learn a language!

Es war ein Lehrer und ein Kursteilnehmer. Heiß! Und später gab es mehr Lehrer und mehr Kursteilnehmer. Der Kursteilnehmer erwarb sicher ein A!

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

Es gibt einen Unterschied zwischen den deutschen und amerikanischen erotischen Filmen. Die Frauen in den deutschen erotischen Filmen sind größer und älter als auf Amerikaner eine.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

I think of erotica as being very different than porn. Erotica is suggestive, as opposed to porn, which is very graphic and leaves nothing to the imagination.

But erotica certainly has its merits, in that since it is only suggestive in nature, what happens later is left up to the viewer or reader, who can complete the suggestion to his or her liking.

Porn leaves nothing to the imagination, and therefore does not always turn out the way the viewer or reader would like.

A few years ago I read something about the differences between the erotic or pornographic material that is written or photographed for men or women. They are very different.

And, years ago, I had the experience of babysitting for a sleeping three year old, and the only two books in the whole house were a Bible and 'To Catch a Man', by Danielle Steel.

I read a few pages of Danielle Steel's book that night, and everything in it was only suggestive and quite boring, as opposed to erotica or pornographic literature written for men, which is almost always extremely graphic and specific.

I sometimes snicker a bit when I remember that small town library's habit of reviewing Danielle Steel's books, but they would never consider having erotic material written for men on the shelves.

Back to the article I read years ago, and I don't remember where I read it. But the gist of it was that men are more visually oriented, and are more likely to want to see specifics. With no romance, of course. In many porn flicks there is no kissing at all, only sexual acts.

But women's erotic literature is more of a romantic thing, as illustrated by the extremely large number of romance novels on the market. In fact, one time I helped someone empty some things that an older lady had left behind, and there were literally over 1,000 romance novels that were hauled to the dump. And, they were all sorted by category, with a note in the front that gave her opinion of each one.

And, something else that I noted years ago when porn flicks were still shown in theaters, is that almost always there are no women in the audience.

So, I think that erotica is more for women, and porn is more for men. Of course, that is a very broad generalization.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

It suddenly dawned on me - I'm pretty sure I remembered the title of that book wrong! And it looks like the author too!

It seems that I remember the title as 'To Buy a Man', and it began when a widow with kids bought the services of a man for seven years. He was an indentured servant from England at the auction block.

But I can't find a book by that title on google, so I don't know.

I'm not sure how it ended, but from the way it began I suppose they got married and lived happily ever after.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

I had quite an experience years ago, and I should have known how this was going to turn out. A friend of mine suggested that I should go out with a very attractive woman that she knew well and I barely knew. I don't remember if I placed the first phone call or if she did, but what happened was I was invited to her place to watch a movie. Not for dinner, just a movie that she wanted to watch at her place.

She apologized many times about how the the selection of movies was very limited for her Beta machine as opposed to VHS, so she didn't know if the movie was going to be any good.

I arrived at her place at the appointed time, she showed me her apartment and all of her fancy things, and so it was obvious to me that she was a very materialistic person.

Then came more apologies about the movie. She turned it on, sat down beside me, and the XXX hardcore movie began. We didn't watch much of it because we thought of something better to do than watch a movie.

That lasted for exactly ten days, and I was very hurt because I thought this was a romance thing, but I was very much mistaken.

She called me on the tenth day and said, "I'm afraid I owe you an apology." I totally forget what else she said, because I was so shocked. And then within a month she got married to her old boyfriend.

And later, I heard the term: "Last fling."

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago


That wasn't a fling You were flung Maybe spun Used for fun A human toy That brought her joy And hopefully you Sorry it's true Some girls will Use you time and Time again

Wonder how long that marriage lasted Although one need not equate The time she took to Masterbate with you A total physical disaster

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

It seemed like a good idea at the time,,,

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Soooo, if you had it to do over or again? Yeah says he or nay?

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

Would I do it over with T.? No.

And another time after that I was in the exact same situation, only the details were different. Having learned something from my experience with T., I made a quick exit as politely as I could.

I was so shocked by what she said, holy Toledo!

And especially, would I do it over with C.J.C.-C.J.? Certainly not! I worry so much about John every single day. I wish I could do something for him, but as for her, I do not want to ever see or hear from her again.

I can think of three right off the bat that,,, My life certainly would have been very different.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

The boyfriend that T. married that time was her second husband, and I was told their marriage lasted less than two years.

And the poem you wrote exactly describes C.J.C.-C.J. also, and you know who that is. I should have known, should have known, should have known,,,

There are a couple things C.J.C.-C.J. told me repeatedly the last night we were together that I've never told anyone at all.

And, one of the things she said over and over that night was something that was simply more proof, as if any more was needed. Why did she say that? Uhhh, I did understand later.

And that night, I think it was the first and only night, another thing she said several times made it perfectly clear exactly what she was in love with. I suppose most men would be flattered that such a good looking woman felt that way, I guess.

I think those were two things that she said for the first time that night, and she said both of them repeatedly. I've never told anyone what those two things were, ever.

I was crazy about her, and wanted to get married to her so badly.

And I was just a toy. But, I was her favorite toy, that was quite obvious.

I had a few other options, and I had to pick her. Color me stupid.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Color me stupid We've all been there Smudged out of line Contrast color with despair Keep the copy Let the feelings go Appreciate you learned A new crayon's name Others in the box Suit your complexion Much better Color you different Wiser, more clear An opaque person Readily defined Doesn't stray the Lines or run Color you with fun

Bob Forer 5 years, 8 months ago

What leads you to believe that any of us are interested in your "stories?"

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

The fact that you have apparently read them.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Didn't I say somewhere in the blog that there was no difference between the way my male friends wrote as opposed to the females in this class....you are an exception, Ron. I'm sure it went right over most people's heads though ...

I'm glad you're enjoying your theater box time and are so hands on with the entertainment system. I believe Schula would be saying....stop as she did at the backyard event.

So my question to you.... do you think of a difference as to degree when I mention erotica as opposed to porn?

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

I messed up! My comments above were supposed to be here instead!

Liberty275 5 years, 8 months ago

Ron will give you his opinion, but porn is boring and dumb (unless it's funny) and frankly, much of what America calls erotica is disgusting, at least on the screen. I can't watch the love story fake sex in many of today's movies PG movies. The movies themselves may have some humorous parts, but the gratuitous sex is something I don't need to see. If they have interrupt movies with intimate interludes so dates will have a happy ending, at least weave them into the plot. Like make him a space-alien getting lucky with an earth girl, and then make the movie about the hybrid offspring.

Tennessee Williams did beautifully suggestive erotica. After seeing and reading his work, most of the rest is heavy-handed and offensive.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Love Williams work. I enjoy sex(ual) scenes. Porn works well for many people - there is generally more than the one size fits all....

I have to agree though that a little porn goes a long way....two minutes should be all anyone needs to get them turned on or off depending...

I think discussing turn ons and addressing fantasy issues should do it for most couples. It's difficult for me to watch a PG 13 movie although I've seem some that are exceptions. Most love stories bore me to tears. D. H. Lawrence expressed my attitude of relationships amazingly well.

Wonder what that stinker Ron is doing now in that home theater system. Do not share the popcorn!

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

I only turned it on twice. It's been very nice to house sit here though, because I know now that if I spent all the money to buy a HDTV, I probably wouldn't watch it much anyway.

And - Liberty275 is absolutely correct, most porn is boring and dumb. That German film had me laughing so much! Somehow, it was totally real and totally fake at the same time.

There is definitely one and I'm told two erotic films that are in a very elite category: They are: 1) Erotic 2) Musical 3) Comedies.

The one I've seen, and own a copy of, is a riot, the title is 'Cinderella' (1977), starring Cheryl Smith as Cinderella, and I'm told that 'Alice In Wonderland X' (1976) is like that also. Both are available on ebay. My friend that I'm house sitting for has a copy of 'Alice In Wonderland X', but I've never seen it.

Here are a few clips from 'Cinderella' (1977) (both of these clips are rated G)

Cinderella meets her fairy godmother: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ManLcjjSkaM

Here are her evil stepsisters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5R_DPJM8XA

I'm going to watch it on that home theater! Wanna come watch it too, Ronda?

Oh, oh: Here is is! The trailer for: 'Alice in Wonderland X' (1976) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acmqTU6iFts

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

The evil stepsisters link does not work here. But you can easily find and watch it by going to youtube.com and searching for: CINDERELLA (1977) Evil stepsisters do song & dance

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Goodness, my blog writing... The places I'm invited, the things that I see... How long do you continue squatters rights, Ron? Would I have my own popcorn? Would it be lime flavored? Would I have my personal container of whoppers? I have a retreat this weekend.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

My friends will be home on the 30th or the 31st, so it's just about over. And I've only turned the video on twice!

I brought one of my videos that I really want to see sometime, 'The Fabric Of The Cosmos', a PBS show hosted by Brian Greene, a Nova production. It is theoretical physics, and I am sure it is much more interesting than any erotica could ever be, at least to me.

Everyone that is not interested in quantum physics (sometimes referred to as quantum mechanics) should skip this description that's on the case of the 4 hour video:

What is Space? You can't see it, touch it, or taste it, but space is everywhere. And it's not just an empty void. Surprising clues that space is "something" rather than "nothing" are overturning much of what we thought we knew about the universe, and may even hold the key to its ultimate fate.

The Illusion Of Time We waste it, spend it, make it, and kill it, but what really is time? Is it like a river that flows, a clock that ticks, or nothing more than an illusion? Join a time-traveling adventure to uncover the true nature of past, present, and future - and of time itself.

Quantum Leap Take a wild ride into a bizarre realm where it seems that impossible is possible. Objects pop in and out of existence: things can, in a sense, be in two places at once; even teleportation is real. Welcome to the weird world of quantum mechanics.On the scale of atoms and particles, the universe is nothing like it seems.

Universe Or Multiverse? Is our universe unique, or could it be just one of many in an endless "multiverse" where copies of you, me and everyone else may exist? This radical idea is getting some serious scientific attention, and could revolutionize our picture of ht cosmos - and our place within it.

Ronda, does any of that remind you of 'The Ride', the allegorical science fiction short story that I wrote in 1997? It seems to me that for some things, I was way ahead of the game.

Liberty275 is right, porn and erotica is boring, compared with what all is available for viewing.

This is my definition of the ultimate erotica: Your very special friend that is with you that really cares for you, your wants, and your needs.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

No, you can't borrow it, because 'The Umbrellas of Cherbourg' is overdue. But, I could watch it with you sometime if you have any interest in it.

It would be best to watch it in sections because a 4 hour video is rather long to watch, especially when it's as mind boggling as this one is.

I've said over and over: "Reality is not at all what it seems." Anyone that has studied quantum mechanics knows that.

RoeDapple 5 years, 8 months ago

Well . . . I DID take the mirror off the ceiling . . but the memories linger. Do you think a disco ball with multi-colored strobe lights . . . ? Nah . . . ain't nothin' Travolta ever did I wanna be associated with . . . . . Oh, and she said she didn't feel like cookin' last Thursday so I sent her out for KFC! Man, I thought that was the ticket, but alas, it weren't to be . . .

She told me years ago she wanted to go to Europe! So I obliged her, sent her over three times! Guess she had a good time . . . She did bring me back some fancy wines that were real old (1992), and had some foriegn writin' on 'em. Tasted real good with the chicken gizzards last Thursday.

. . . what was the question?

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

That's hysterical, Roe... Does the lyric ever die Do you always try When the singing is the same Of the calling of your name Fried chicken is so game on Can't place no blame When I hear Roe, Roe, Roe my boat I beat my feet in retreat Know it's summertime At the roaDapple Inn Expect sweet music again and again

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Thank you for getting on target with blog topic. Yes, men are visual sexers and hands on. Women enjoy being stimulated with fantasy, soft lingering touch, kissing.

As you mention, the above does not necessarily apply to all members within a gender. As I mentioned in my blog, the male friends (my new bi sexual acquaintances) wrote very similar to erotica in what they shared with me. Some of the writings within our erotica class of females only were written much more as I would have thought a male might write - shall we say hard, brutal, less descriptive than I'd have thought.

There were many erotic experiences that were shared within our group that afternoon (btw, Dixie only charged $20 for a several hour class), and it will be interesting to see if the class is opened for a mixed group (male and female, bi sexuals, lesbians, homosexuals) how the group dynamic might change. Ideally the experirnce would be enhanced.

So share an erotic experience or fantasy, Ron. And rock on the the little old lady who still enjoyed aspects of her sexuality.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

"She opened to him as a rosebud,,," - from 'To Catch a Man', by Danielle Steel

That is just about the only thing I remember from that crummy book that I read a few pages of way back in the 1990s.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

Wrong book title, wrong author. I have no idea what the correct title is, and it does not matter.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

You are correct, Ron. It likely doesn't matter. You've pulled some info into your memory from it and that's all that left and all that matters.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

Ronda, I already told you one fantasy on March 29, 2010, as a comment on your blog: 'Sandra Bullock: Why the Fascination?'

Have your wife put on a wig and sleazy clothes. Then meet her at a bar, act like you have no clue who she is, and take her to a sleazy motel for a few hours.

Then, when you get home and your wife asks where you were, tell her you had to work late, and you're really sorry about that.

But I can't do that 'cause I'm not married.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Shins soothed Back ache gone Using elbow as tong Erotica in 50 shades of red All the colors going off Inside my head Romancing the stone It's nice when a man Can be his softer self A woman switches roles Gets the control Reins handled over Games played Suggest much more Than fun Learning about self And others.

Liberty275 5 years, 8 months ago

Ms Miller it seems you are enjoying this very much. That's nice.

As for your interest in how my sexuality has been enhanced, I got the fuel pump relay on the Vette working again, so now I can drive that instead of my japanese car (which my sister-in-law equates with female homosexuality.... something-mobile she calls it). I also had to repair the radiator fan because things were getting a little hot. I also replaced the battery. I tried jumping it but I didn't have enough juice.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Lol, well written. Female homosexuality, eh? Bless your sister in law for keen powers of observation and her willingness to speak up. I'm happy to read about your fuel pump, radiator fan and battery. It's amazing how many parts can quit working for whatever reason. It's worth the time and energy to re juice and re vamp. How does she rev these days?

I saw an interesting show a couple of months ago about sexual attraction to a car that your comments brought to mind. A man who was sexually in tune with his car, shall we say. He turned that car every which way but loose. He'd rub against her fender and backside, and he particularly enjoyed being under her with his hands up and massaging her head lights. It was a joy to observe the two of them. I'm not sure how much he was pleasing her. She remained 'turned off' as far as I could tell. ;)

Liberty275 5 years, 8 months ago

"How does she rev these days?"

I took a little weight off the governor so it'll do about 6200 before shifting. That's harder than the engine was meant to push, but the big cam I gave it mostly solved that problem. The head worked helped a lot too. As long as the bottom end holds together, everything is going pretty well considering I have an older model.

The next time I have the engine or trans out, I'm moving to a 2600 rpm converter. When I hit the gas, I want things to happen. It's still a little slow coming out of the hole unless I flash the converter really hard just before starting. Some guys use nitrous to launch, but I refuse to rely on the bottle for power.

Now I have to keep a closer eye on my ujoints. All that torque can break them. Sure, busting a ujoint is fun, but cleaning up afterwards can get a little messy.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Head work generally works well for older and larger model types, It's actually likely preferable that coming out of the hole is slower than it used to be. Otherwise it can be startling to your classy withdrawal method. You might consider paying someone to keep an eye on your ujoint for you. It might be putting yourself in an all consuming situation with awkward positioning to keep a constant view of it. Torque should always be managed in such a manner that no breakage occurs. I agree, clean up can be messy but fulfilling in many respects. Ride on.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

I blew a head gasket once. The serpentine belt, but not the timing chain, broke and I just couldn't stop and so I overheated the engine.

Liberty275 5 years, 8 months ago

I don't trust anyone else with my ujoints. I do them myself. They aren't really a huge problem now, but If I had the $7000 handy, I'd get a crank kit and stroke it to 383. Everybody loves a stroker, but they can develop a lot of torque!

Ron, do you have a snake fetish?

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

Sometimes Neurotic All-consuming Kinky Erotica,,, Feels Entirely Terrific In Someone's Hand!

Liberty275 5 years, 8 months ago

Speaking of hands, I should change my coolant but I need someone with small hands that can get to the petcock and drain it.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

It can be drained, but it's gonna be a gusher.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

I've been told I have quite small hands considering how tall I am. I've never been able to being myself to petcock though. Perhaps I'm needing the proper lubricate.

Ron, I'm sure your former former was beautiful. She certainly left a lasting impression.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

It certainly is. If you'd like to sign up for her mixed class, you'll get to meet her in person.

Try googling BEGIN AGAIN: 150 Kansas Poems She's a wonderful poet and is likely laughing as she reads this to know she doesn't exist. ;)

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

Do keep an open mind and take the Liberty to remember the Walrus was Paul.....

riverdrifter 5 years, 8 months ago

Totally agree with L275 and Ron that porn is both dumb and boring after the first few minutes. Back in the hey-day of VHS cassettes we'd take porn films and play them backwards. The effect was totally hilarious. Instead of in and out it was out and in! D. H. Lawrence wrote some pretty darn good erotica, BTW.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

That's funny, River. I'd ask who the 'we' were who played it backwards, but do I really expect an answer? And I think if anyone is able to watch porn for more than a couple of minutes, something isn't working right. It does what it's supposed to for me within a minute or two if partner and chemistry are there. And they better be if I'm watching porm with them.

I've never watched porn with girlfriends. Do guys watch porn together?

When I found out I'd missed going through Lawrence's museum I was very, very saddened.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

I used to take a girlfriend, yeah her, to the XXX flicks at Hillcrest at midnight on Saturdays back in the 1980s once in a while. We were were dressed up to the nines every time, I always wore a pair of very nice tropical wool slacks, a raw silk sport jacket, and a silk tie. And she dressed to match.

It was a riot - she was always the only woman there out of a crowd of hundreds! It appeared that all of the men there were between 18 and 21. Many of them selected a seat as close to her as they dared.

She'd act very nonchalant about the whole thing. From the way she acted, it was just as though she was watching a showing of 'Gone With the Wind'.

But the best part was how almost all of the men there just couldn't quit looking at her, except for the brief interludes when they glanced at me with a look of utter jealousy!

It was pretty funny later - so many of the guys just couldn't quit staring at her after the flick as they walked away, and some of them just about tripped on the curb in the front of the theater on their way out.

Can't blame them, she was very beautiful. Ronda, I'll have to show you a few pictures of her sometime.

Ronda Miller 5 years, 8 months ago

I'd enjoy that. I know so many things about her, I almost feel I should know her.

Ron Holzwarth 5 years, 8 months ago

I'll show them to you sometime, I have quite a few pictures. But don't be surprised if you recognize her.

I'm sure you know who Nick Krug is. His comment when he saw some of the pics was, "She is a really beautiful woman."

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