Anna Undercover: NYC, Colorado, & Chile

Posted by Anna Undercover March 3, 2010 at 11:57 a.m.

This entry goes out to Mr. Chris Gentleman, a US hero who has recently returned to Kansas from fighting in Iraq. Thank you, sir, for all you've done, and, as promised, we will get coffee! P.S. to the ladies: Did I mention he's SINGLE? Check this SINGLE man out on Twitter and send him a friendly 'welcome back' direct message or tweet.

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LADIES AND THOSE-WHO-APPRECIATE-LADIES, hang on to your hats, because I have huge news of the "holy bananas!" variety.

When we last officially checked in, I had not been offered a job to work at the (previously) unnamed club I visited first in New York.

As my stripper-friend and I filled out applications, we had stared hopelessly at the six-foot, gorgeous, model-like Amazons already dancing there, and convinced ourselves that the club, Lace, would not hire us.

But bust out your best cheap Champagne and celebrate with me, because THEY DID HIRE US AFTER ALL!

I was freezing my buns off in the big, illegal residential building I was staying in when I saw a 212 number show up on my phone on Friday last week.

"That's odd," I thought, pulling the borrowed blue Snuggie around my shoulders a little more. I frowned at the screen.

I needed to re-enter some numbers into my crappy new phone, but all my friends had the "new New York" numbers, which start with 646 and 347. Maybe it was someone's land line at work?

"Who is calling me from work?" I wondered, hoping it wasn't an emergency.

One icy finger emerged from the Snuggie to push 'accept call.'

"Hello?" I said, curiously, tilting my head toward the phone. My eyes swept the sides of the large city apartment for answers that might have skittered to the margins of the living room.

"Hey, is [my real name] available?" a man with a deep and unfamiliar voice asked.

What?

No one calls me that anymore. Even my 'pre-stripping' friends call me Anna, because I barely answer to anything else. Who the hell is this?

"May I ask what you're calling about?" I asked politely, suddenly feeling very guarded. I mentally reviewed the places I could hide and the people who would help me if this was someone to be afraid of.

"This is Jerry. I'm calling from Lace---" he started. Omigod!

I switched instantly to professional mode.

"Oh, hello there," I said smoothly. "It's so nice to hear from you, Jerry. I remember you from the club. What can I do for you?" I smiled into the phone.

Oh my gosh. Hire me! Please!

"We checked out you guys' applications, and we'd like you to come dance for us," he said.

"Wow!" I said, not bothering to conceal my excitement. "I can't tell you how cool this is. We were very impressed with your club and we would love to dance for you!"

"That's great! Can you come in tomorrow?" the man with the deep voice smiled into the phone.

"Unfortunately, we can't," I said. He started to speak, but I interrupted. "But we will be back in July, and we would be ecstatic to come work for you then. We are two, really great girls. How does that sound?"

I held my breath as my heart pounded. Omigod, I want this. I want this! "Please, please, please be as cool as the strip club staffs at the Outhouse and Paradise Saloon," I prayed, not daring to close my eyes.

"That would be fine," he said, still smiling.

Enormously relieved, I exhaled in a sudden rush.

"Wow, this is so exciting," I said breathlessly. "This is so great. Wow! I'm so glad. You know, I'm going to call you a few times between now and then to make sure you don't forget, because we absolutely cannot wait to dance for you." I was grinning with every word.

He laughed. "Oh, I won't. Don't worry," he reassured me. "If I do, just remind me about the girls from Kansas."

We hung up.

"YES!" I jumped into the air and ran over to my friend and his roommates gathered around their kitchen table. "You guys! You guys! I JUST GOT HIRED AT LACE!" I jumped up and down and clapped my hands. "They-only-hire-the-hottest-girls-and-you-have-no-idea-how-much-I-wanted-this-and-for-some-crazy-reason-I-got-hired-and-I'm-coming-back-in-July-and-I'm-so-excited-and-OH-MY-GOD!"

They laughed and congratulated me.

I hurried back to my laptop and posted about it in the comments on other entries. I called my stripper-friend who also got hired. I called my boyfriend.

"I can't believe they hired me! I'm so excited! I have to hit the gym and work my butt off and be the hottest thing ever by July," I said, still hopping as I told my boyfriend, Joe, the news.

"Wow, New York wants to see my girlfriend naked. I have to say that's pretty hot," he (essentially) said. I laughed.

Clinging to my crappy cell phone, I jumped around some more. Yay yay yay!

In the same city I competed in for gold medals in ballet and jazz dance competitions as a teenager, I was now hired to get on stage and get naked for (hopefully!) a lot of money. Well, almost naked. I have to leave at least a thong on when dancing in Manhattan.

"There's no touching allowed here," I told my boyfriend. "Dances are still $20, but the tipping etiquette is likely very different." Or, at least, that's what I'm telling myself.

With Lace on my mind, the heartsickness I felt at having to leave my favorite city in the world was a little easier to bear over my last day and a half in New York.

Though it has a reputation for hardness, New York is actually full of very nice people with a positive energy that seemed all the more strong and proud that weekend after I got the call from Lace. It felt like the City was celebrating with me.

An adorable couple hugged and cuddled happily in the apartment I was staying in.

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The cakes in the Corrado Bread & Pastry display case in Grand Central Market looked extra good!

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Another adorable couple, Joe and Diane, enjoyed fondue at the famous Dylan's Candy Bar in Midtown East, my old neighborhood, that I miss every day.

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As I took a picture of a sign in my beloved, stinky, icky New York subway, a concerned New Yorker took the initiative to explain to a couple with two babies and a carriage how they could make traveling easier by using elevators to get to the trains instead of stairways.

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I took pictures of my favorite flowers, Gerbera Daisies, at Pavilion Florist, a charming little flower shop near my cousin's apartment in Astoria (for NY-ers: Pavilion is near the NRW at 30th!), as I ran errands for him. (My cousin recently broke his leg).

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I ran around the City all day, essentially checking to see if everything I loved was still there. It was! Even the ever-spectacular (and surprisingly affordable) Fig + Olive, the restaurant I mentioned in the first entry I wrote about running around in New York. Sigh!

Late at night, I headed home to pack, soaking up every New York scene I could.

A group of young men threw snowballs at a building (and the sneakers hanging from the power lines) across the street from where I stayed. (These kind young gentlemen inquired as to what kind of blog they were going to appear on, and, to my great delight, were not appalled by the subject material).

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Oh, New York. How I love you so, especially since you do not require me to own a car.

A bit heartsick, I began to fold my clothes and force my shower stuff to take on new shapes and fit into my bulging suitcase for my early Sunday flight. I wasn't headed back to Kansas just yet, but to Colorado, to meet for the first time my little sister's fiancé, a neurosurgeon whom we will call Patch going forward.

Dad met me at the gate.

"Um, could you go ahead and neglect to mention that you work at a strip club and blog about naked people?" My dad asked me quietly. "We don't want to scare Patch's family away until after the wedding."

As I wrote in a mid-December entry, my parents are not big fans of my new career as a 'cocktail waitress.'

I laughed. "Don't worry, Dad," I said. "I'll just say I'm a waitress. When I tell people that, their eyes just kind of glaze over and they change the subject."

Like the well-meaning family we are, Dad and I smiled at Patch as I shook his hand and met him for the first time.

"What do you do?" he asked me, at one point. "Are you still working at that nonprofit I heard about?"

"Oh, no," I said. "I resigned in December. I'm a waitress now." I smiled and distracted him with a rude question about how much his hands are insured for.

"Well, about a million dollars," he said, smiling patiently. "But I think they would have to be dismembered to get the whole million."

I laughed and thanked him for answering my inappropriate question so candidly.

He turned out to be as amazing as my parents said he was. Brilliant, sweet, and very in love with my beautiful blond little sister whose smile is legendary, he had my approval in under an hour.

What did not have my approval was something that had, very unfortunately, happened to his little sister, who is living in Santiago, Chile right now.

I listened, horrified, as her mother explained that when the earthquake happened, she scrambled for her daughter's Skype information and called what she thought was her current number.

"Hello? Hello?" Her mother had said frantically into the phone, pleading with the silence on the other end to tell her where her daughter was. As I understand it, the line then went dead.

She called back. "Hello? Hello? Is Megan [Last Name] there?! Please tell me if Megan is there!"

A man answered in Spanish. "No 'Megan [Last Name],'" he said. He said something else to emphasize that he had no idea what Megan's mother was talking about, who Megan was, or how to speak any English, and he hung up on her.

Unable to get in touch with their daughter, Megan's parents were tortured by each second in the hours that followed. With no word from Megan or anyone in Chile who could help them, they grew more and more gravely worried.

They finally got an email from her confirming that she was OK and that she made it out alive, despite being without water for an extended period of time.

Later, the family was able to speak with their daughter on the phone and put together a clearer picture of what happened when they were trying to reach her before.

Apparently, the number her mother called first was actually Megan's ex-boyfriend's apartment. They had lived together there until he cheated on her recently. She broke up with him and moved out.

There are far more wonderful people in the world than there are people who consciously do things that hurt others. The world is a better, safer place when people try to be nice.

That night, my mom and I talked at length about some family drama with my little sister at the center. At the end, she changed the subject back to me.

"What does your boyfriend think of you working at a strip club?" She asked as we lounged on the bed in Patch's parents' guest room. "You are working so far below your potential. The environment is horrible, and I can't imagine that he's impressed with your unwillingness to live up to our expectations of you."

"I think he kind of likes it," I said, wavering when she pointed out that I could do better. "I'm having tons of fun, Mom. I don't want to do anything else right now."

Bothered, my mother got up to close the door softly.

"Well, make sure you don't post about it on Facebook and accidentally tell Patch or anything," she cautioned me as took her place again and shifted closer to me on the bed.

"Mom---" I started to tell her Dad had essentially already warned me.

She petted my hair and looked at me. "My baby can do better," she said. "My baby went to the best schools, did the best internships, and you'd be so good in marketing or sales."

Her baby thought about all the money in stripping and wondered what she could sell for more and still be this happy and excited about coming to work every day.

"I miss my baby's old line of work," she said. "I want you to move on to the next phase in your life."

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AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

I did not forget about people's New York stripping questions.

All of you will get a t-shirt. Please message me your snailmail address if you haven't already.

@BorderRuffian
A number of errands I needed to run prevented me from making it to another strip club, so I regret I can't speak to the 'undercurrent' quite yet. I am, however, talking to other dancers online, so I'll be able to answer your question at least somewhat way before July.

@jrswift
I guess the material I thought I'd cover changed. It tends to do that. But friendships amongst the girls who dance are really quite interesting. They range from completely professional, courteous, and competitive to very close to really catty and holy-crap-you-really-did-that-to-her kind of stuff. I'll interview a few girls here. I can't promise it will be up soon because I have such a long line of people's topic requests, but it will get covered!

@deec
Now that I'm back in town, the boyfriend and I will have a stripper movie marathon quite soon. I had planned it for Sunday, but I'll be meeting his mom that night (!) as it turns out, so perhaps we can do it Tuesday night instead.

@parrothead8
I'm sure you read it above, but I wasn't able to get to another strip club before I left. Drat! But *so far* my sense is that the customers here might be different in the same way I've found Kansas/New York men different just as a woman, dating around/living in the area. Summary of those differences: New York men are more aggressive. They aren't necessarily pushy, but they'll ask me out faster and make more of an effort to impress me. (Again, that's just as a woman who has lived/worked in New York; I'm not speaking about customers as a stripper, here). In contrast, Kansas men seem to be slightly more chivalrous, though I wouldn't want to suggest I think that's necessarily something that makes them any more fun/better than New York men. I could say more, but I think that's good for now, esp. since I don't have almost any experience in New York as a stripper and I'm not talking about customers.

@Vic
The first customer encyclopedia post is imminent!
March 3, 2010 at 12:21 p.m.
KansasPerson (anonymous) says…

Oh dear, is his nom de blog a reference to Patch Adams? I hope not! :)

Speaking of movies, please let us know what your lineup is going to be for Stripper Movie Night. Lots of the commenters on here are big movie fans, and they might even have some suggestions. Unfortunately I'm blanking on stripper movies right now. The only one I can think of is "Independence Day." :)

Glad you're back safe and sound; glad that Patch's sister is okay. Where was she when it hit? Is she going to come home, or stay there?

I am glad you had a good visit with your family. I bet there was still snow aplenty in CO. As you may already know, we here in Lawrence are going to enjoy a gradual warming trend this week. And I for one could not be happier about that.
March 3, 2010 at 12:40 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@KansasPerson
Megan was in Santiago when it hit. She's working there, so she's staying.

I should ask people for movie suggestions so I don't miss anything! :) Re: the weather: yeah, I might not be on here long. I want to go outside and play!

It was SO NICE to see my parents. I love them. Haha, you just reminded me to add something to the story... :)
March 3, 2010 at 12:50 p.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

so your parents were cool w/ you being a stripper?
March 3, 2010 at 12:51 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@honeychild
I'll add more info on that. Please hold. :)
March 3, 2010 at 12:57 p.m.
honeychild (Mel Briscoe) says…

oh okay. :)
March 3, 2010 at 12:58 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@honeychild
I added what Dad told me to avoid saying right before I met Patch. (Thanks for your comment--I had planned to include that).

I added a teensy weensy segment of what my mom talked to me about at the end of the post. I normally quote as close to exact as I can without the aid of a tape recorder, but the conversation with my mom ranged so many tangled topics that I paraphrased what she said quite heavily. I think if she read this post--which she wont, because both parents have agreed not to look for my blog, ever--I think she'd agree with what I said she said here.

There's so much more but this post is already way too long.
March 3, 2010 at 1:14 p.m.
kiklu (anonymous) says…

So glad you've had a safe trip! Glad, too, that Patch's sister is okay. That earthquake was awfully strong!

Hooray for stripping in NYC this summer! :)
March 3, 2010 at 1:22 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@kiklu
Thanks! And yes, we were super worried about his sister. I feel so bad that her parents had to worry like they did.

i cannot wait til july!!!1111one

In related news, I am *not* having pizza for lunch, lol.
March 3, 2010 at 1:28 p.m.
RETICENT_IRREVERENT (Ronaldo Ignacio) says…

Anna,
Family drama is always fun...

P.S. Please never call me "Dude" again.
March 3, 2010 at 1:37 p.m.
KansasPerson (anonymous) says…

Every time you refer to July, I get wistful, because.... I'm cold and I want spring, and then summer, to get here. :)

In maybe July or early August, I plan to be snoozing on a beach back east. Or trekking up in the mountains, wearing myself out and wishing for a cool breeze...... sigh.

Although I know you're excited about LACE and you're a big fan of New York, I am kinda sorry that you will be in the city for the hottest part of the summer. I hope you manage to make some day-trips to places with plenty of sun and some cool, fresh breezes. Mmmmmmmmm.

Can't seem to get my mind off the weather today. I think I've been chilly too long, and the weather forecast went right to my head!
March 3, 2010 at 2:14 p.m.
beatrice (anonymous) says…

Anna, I just deleted some rather harsh words. No need to repeat myself.

As you said in a comment directed my way previously, our opposing views on your line of work may well stem from differences in our ages. That generational gap. So be it. I do agree with your folks and think you can do more - maybe not get more money for your time, but you can do more. Money is necessary, but it isn't everything, in my oh so humble opinion.

However, I'd just like to say that you should be careful of how you approach the subject with the folks, if you dare to approach the subject at all. No matter how you frame it, it might just end up breaking their hearts. Seriously. I mean, I can't accept what you do for money and I don't even know you! I can't imagine a mother hearing that from her daughter for whom she expected much more.

Glad you enjoyed NY - best city this side of London. Hopefully you took in some museums when you were there.
March 3, 2010 at 8:40 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@KansasPerson
OMG! We should hang out in New York. :D Woot! Beach time. Re: the hottest month in NY: I will totally hit up Fire Island for some relaxation. :)

Today is really nice, too. Hope you get outside.

@beatrice
"...it might just end up breaking their hearts."
And it's not worth it to me to break my mother's heart, so for as long as possible, I'm a 'cocktail waitress.' I love them both very much.

Re: museums: I hit up the American Museum of Natural History twice. I have some pictures and will be posting about it soon. (Though I do seem to say that a lot, and something always comes up, lol).
March 4, 2010 at 2:26 p.m.
KansasPerson (anonymous) says…

Agreed. I don't tell my parents everything either, and I'm .... um..... much older than Anna. :)

I'm sure there are things my son doesn't tell me either, especially now that he's 18. Being independent is part of growing up, even if it means making your own mistakes. People refuse to learn from anyone else's experience -- it has to be your own experience to be meaningful.

Anna, I'll offlist you about our plans. :)

Did you work last night? Was it extra busy, or extra dead, because of the KU-KSU game? Do they have TVs in there? I can't imagine that they do, but you never know!
March 4, 2010 at 6:48 p.m.
KansasPerson (anonymous) says…

Eh - never mind - I did not see that you had a new blog entry!

Also, it's 2-for-one martini night at Ten. Can I claim temporary goofiness?
March 4, 2010 at 6:54 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@KansasPerson

:)

We have TVs by the entrance. We watch the games on there sometimes, but I'm usually dancing while they're playing.

Yes, you can claim temporary goofiness. Hehe. +1 for being a martini-lover. (You should try the flirtinis at Tatsu. SOOO good).
March 5, 2010 at 4:23 p.m.