LJWorld.com weblogs Anna Undercover
Posted
by Anna Undercover
June 1, 2010 at 10:08 p.m.
Anna Undercover: Joe's Favorite Moon
It took a team of lumberjacks to restrain her.
Colossal, blindingly white, and straining the thick, steel cables taught, the Great White Butt tested the strength of the seasoned, burly men as they strained, veins bulging, to overpower her fight against the human anchors below.
"Land sakes, men!" boomed a barrel-chested, mustachioed foreman.
"Hold her fast and bring her down!"
From their position at the helm of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the men, giant among the gawking on-lookers, were ants under the conjoined orbs above, a gluteal leviathan, swaying and threatening with her massive girth.
"Heave her! Heave, now!" the foreman bellowed madly, standing firm on his prosthetic legs, adrenaline swelling and surging through his body, weathered by years of pursuing this mighty beast.
But the Great White Butt heaved first, whiplashing the crew onto their backs in the street below.
In that instant, the foreman fell forward, charging through his fallen men to grab the cable that would pull her to him at long last.
"Ahab! No!" The first mate yells after him, reaching toward him as he lay helplessly in the street.
But Ahab looks back at him suddenly, meeting the terrified gaze with pure possession in his eyes, demon-driven for decades to hunt, find, and kill the Great White Butt.
In his distraction, a cable flies back and snaps, lightening-fast, around his ox-like neck.
"Nooooooooo!" the first mate screams.
Bug-eyed and cycling wildly as he rises with her through the air, the Great White Butt bolts powerfully away, dragging Ahab to his death and soaring to freedom in the wild blue yonder.
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Comments
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Veritas (anonymous) says…
like I said...I'm having a difficult time getting my mind past "veins bulging" and "massive girth." Either its time for me to go snuggle up with the chainsaw in the bedroom, or I've got other reading to do...if you know what I mean...
giggle giggle :)
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) replies…
Haha, I stared at this thing for two hours and I never made that connection. Of course. :)
Also, official credit: title by Joe.
RETICENT_IRREVERENT (Ronaldo Ignacio) says…
Anna,
An enjoyable read, but confused...
I start out with Paul Bunyan, then that replacement "Who wants to be a Millionaire" replacement chick, then I'm on the Pequod, but with no segue from on to another.
Lancedulac (anonymous) says…
visions of handlebar mustaches in my head now, years of therapy I am charging to you! :P
liggyon (David Lignell) says…
Okay, Anna....I hope this isn't some rage against your recent weight gain, however minor that gain might seem to the rest of us. Have to agree with Reticent, though, when reviewing your story. It begins like Bunyan and then ends on the Pequod, the big, white butt being the unifying theme between the two. If it's purely for humorous impact, then it gets very close to the goal. If not, then I want some of what you're smoking!
As usual, it's an engaging piece of writing. One nit, and it's only offered if you intended it as a serious piece, follow Mark Twain's advice when it comes to overuse of modifiers:
“I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English - it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them - then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.”
- Letter to D. W. Bowser, 20 March 1880
Regards,
Dave