Stripper Blog: Argyle & Pearls or Stilettos &... Law School?

Posted by Anna Undercover December 14, 2009 at 11:43 a.m.

Stripper Blog: Argyle & Pearls or Stilettos &... Law School?

Wildly Unreasonable Overachieving: A Sure Path to Disease, Social Isolation, and Significant Weight Gain Subtitle: Or, Why You Can't Go Down Two Different Paths at Once

“Please don’t give me pig AIDS,” my roommates’ friend said from across our living room.

His and three other wide-eyed faces beheld the sight, sound, and flailing, futile white arms of choking, sputtering misery as I erupted into yet another uncontrollable coughing fit. I tried to cover my mouth as I trembled involuntarily from muscle exhaustion, and curled into the fetal position on the opposite couch.

“Are you OK?”

I pictured myself crawling through the streets of Lawrence, Kansas in Medieval times. Wearing only a burlap sack, I would have warned the villagers I was a leper (“Unclean! Unclean!”) as they scattered, screaming in terror. I would have dragged myself, in agony, to the riverbank and expired by the water, alone. Hemingway-style.

In October 2009, I continued to cough, and like the imagined Medieval villagers, my roommates and their friend fled to the uncontaminated basement to seek refuge from the leper upstairs.

A pale-faced, couch-bound pariah for two weeks already, I was at the height of my symptoms and in overwhelming pain. I cradled an unhealed, pole dancing-related rib injury from July that had put me in the emergency room twice since it happened three sleep-deprived months ago.

“No guts, no glory,” I said to myself when I signed up for a 15-hour work week. Only my roommates noticed me growing more tired, grumpy, and less like my bubbly self as each week passed.

I promised myself I would get that glory.

Glory is the one thing I did not get. Instead, I got the worst respiratory infection of my life, five (5) emergency room trips in two months, and a huge bill from Lawrence Memorial Hospital that threatened to derail my efforts to build savings and pay off debt.

Adding insult to injury, I’d gone from 115 lbs. to 135 lbs. in five short months since moving to the meat-and-potatoes Midwest.

Ruining my body from every conceivable angle wasn’t even worth it: the most impressive thing I’d done at work or otherwise was nearly kill myself and take a three-week sick leave from both jobs.

I left Kansas for a much-needed 10-day holiday vacation with my parents over Thanksgiving.

The Parental Units Realize One of Their Babies Is Human/Fallible

“My daughter is the harlot of Kansas,” my mother wailed. “I can’t believe you’re a cocktail waitress after the education we paid for!”

That their prized high school class president, school newspaper editor, and Ivy League interning little wunderkind could fail was not a welcome thought in the Lawrence family household.

“And how are you letting those people pay you so little that you even need a second job? Because of that, you’ll be vulnerable to pneumonia for the rest of your life.”

Mediocrity was not my steed of choice to ride home to my resume-obsessed parents.

“Mom, there are no jobs right now,” I said. “We’re working on getting me a salary. Anyway, I love both my jobs and I want to keep doing both.”

“It’s been six months,” she hissed. “You had pneumonia! You’re living this circus in a red state full of Republican men not worth dating.”

She had a point about the six months. “Mom, I’m not dating anyone,” I said flatly. “Let me think about this.”

A Happy Stripper Considers the Sensation of Adam Smith’s Cold, Invisible Hand

I was swimming pretty hard against the current during a recession, and if I wasn’t careful, I could be pulled under for good. Cursed with the most health problems in the family, I realized I could not continue down both paths like this. Ever the whimsical pseudo-academic, I thought about my choices in terms of market forces.

The market’s message was abundantly clear: it would rather see me naked than watch me try to save the world. Since I wasn’t rocking my new job, I could kind of see why.

Fine. I would resign at the next staff meeting.

The market was perfectly happy with my night job. The numbers and fat wads of cash didn’t lie: there is demand for what I offer. Best of all, I had fallen in love with stripping. Friends with every girl and every bouncer, I love coming to work.

After six or seven months as a stripper, I knew it was something I could continue to do, as long as I had some kind of academic stimulation in the periphery.

I wavered when I remembered a meeting with the academic higher-up at an Ivy League school of public health. Telling him of my passion for health-focused nonprofits, he said: “You could walk into this school.”

So tempting. An Ivy League degree would ensure the continued acceptance of the world of argyle and pearls.

In the sex industry, I could make almost all the money I wanted, enjoy a life without credit card and student debt, and accumulate a pile of cash big enough to launch the small business project of my choice in a couple short years, or become a sex industry attorney or lobbyist after law or business school. With the aid of a carefully planned portfolio, I could even write checks to my pet social causes and political candidates.

I salivated at the thought of receiving a big, fat pay check again.

I thought of my personal financial security.

I thought of what would happen if I developed pneumonia again.

I thought of Lois P. Frankel, PhD, author of “Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich,” and how women are shamed into low-paying jobs to accommodate accepted gender roles and sexism.

I thought of how hard I could probably kick the LSAT’s butt.

I drafted my resignation letter.

Was it the right path to choose?

AWARDS FOR PREVIOUS COMMENTERS:

Bodacious Babes: Maddie_M, Zilla, Veritas

Commenters Who Sparked Meaningful Discussion and Decent Responses from Other Commenters Award: Succotash, gentlemanc, Vic, cait48, alm77

Useful Non-Dancer Perspective: gentlemanc

You Are Too Nice With the Compliments Award: Zilla, Mike_Blur,

Pro-Naked People Commenter Award: parrothead8

Challenging Comment Award: alm77, BorderRuffian, cutthroat717

The announcement about the Europe trip will be made later today!

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AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

Beauty tip of the moment:

Take care of your colds so you don't get pneumonia. Though attractive to some, the skin tone best described as '#FFFFFF' denotes a rather unhealthy situation that is best avoided.
December 14, 2009 at 11:51 a.m.
Vic (anonymous) says…

Thank you for the award. I will continue to promote meaningful discussion throughout this site.

So how much do your parents actually know? If they had an issue with you waiting tables, I would guess they would have a similar, if not worse, reaction to knowing what you now currently doing. I understand however, there are some secrets worth keeping from your parents. What they don't know, won't hurt you. I also attempt to keep up appearances at home.
December 14, 2009 at 1:19 p.m.
gentlemanc (Christopher Gentleman) says…

Anna,
Thanks for the award! Onto your note...I firmly believe you can do anything you want to. I won't say it'll be easy, I won't say that there aren't going to be obstacles. However, I believe that the human mind, heart, and spirit can allow anyone to accomplish their dreams.

Hell, I've probably got one of the craziest dreams out there. I have devoted my entire adult life to the military. I have a specialty (if you want to know PM me) that is in pretty good demand both in the Government and the private sector. However, I've decided that when I retire from the Military I am going to become a Special Education teacher. I think it will be a wonderful and rewarding job.

So, take pride in who you are. Do what you want. Kick the LSAT's butt, and go on to do great and wonderful things....Putting a smile on someones face is pretty wonderful. Just so you know. And, giving a poor schmuck the time of day, listening to his thoughts, worries, hopes, dreams, or what have you, even though its your job makes a guy feel wanted or needed. You put that smile there, be proud.
December 14, 2009 at 1:23 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@Vic
Hooray! :)

I told them I'm a cocktail waitress. They know I have a blog. I told them I don't want them to read it, and they promised not to share any information with the extremely gossipy side of our family. (Considering the fact that someone just became a stripper, we're having a unusually drama-free holiday season).

I agree that what they don't know won't hurt me. Or them. My mom is old school about stuff like this.

@gentlemanc
Thanks for your vote of confidence! I'll be sure to message you. I do love to listen to people's stories. Tomorrow or Wednesday, I'm posting a very revealing conversation I had with a married man, recently.
December 14, 2009 at 1:28 p.m.
Vic (anonymous) says…

What about the story of you leaving your other non-profit job and how/why that came about? I've been anxious to find out.
December 14, 2009 at 1:30 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@Vic
The one I had before I came to Kansas? I was laid off. :(
December 14, 2009 at 1:32 p.m.
Veritas (anonymous) says…

Mr. Rex is waiting by the computer...anxiously awaiting your announcement, by the way!
December 14, 2009 at 1:40 p.m.
alm77 (anonymous) says…

So, did you register (by December 2nd) for the LSAT in February? That's awesome. Hope all your dreams come true!!
December 14, 2009 at 1:52 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@alm77
Oh, no. I want to take a prep course first, anyway. Maybe even twice, if it's cheap enough and I have the time. This new path is a complete departure from what I had planned before. I have yet to register for anything or even put a reasonable time line together.
December 14, 2009 at 1:57 p.m.
denak (anonymous) says…

"....I thought of how hard I could probably kick the LSAT’s butt....."

Yes, well far be it from me to rain on your parade but if you are going to kick the LSAT's butt you are just a little too late. At least for the 2010 school year. It is too late to register for December and the next test dates are in Feburary which puts you periously close to the March 15, 2010 deadline for KU Law. And even though, I am sure, that every Ivy League school in the country is just frothing at the mouth to have you as a student, I doubt they will bend the rules even for someone with your credentials.

Not to worry though, I am sure we will all hear quite soon how you, being the bilingual, Ivy League educated stripper, managed to get a perfect 180 on the LSAT.

Dena
December 14, 2009 at 5:47 p.m.
Vic (anonymous) says…

Anna,

No, the one you recently quit or something. Haven't heard the whole story yet, unless you have a blog planned for that one too.
December 14, 2009 at 7:04 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@denak
I can't help you if you don't read my comment--directly above yours--before you post.
December 14, 2009 at 9 p.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@denak
Since you've proven a few times now that you do not read carefully before you post comments, I would prefer that you kindly refrain from commenting at all on this blog in the future.

I'm sure this will not be difficult, as you seem very uncomfortable and certainly unfamiliar with the subject material. With this in mind, I do think you will be happier reading other articles and blogs and joining those discussions instead.

Please know that you have my continued best wishes.

Please take care.
December 14, 2009 at 9:05 p.m.
cutthroat717 (anonymous) says…

Wow. . an award!! And I wasn't even competing. :-)
December 15, 2009 at 10:14 a.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@cutthroat717
"And I wasn't even competing."

Sometimes, you're just that good. ;)
December 15, 2009 at 10:34 a.m.
Succotash (anonymous) says…

A little late for this round of LSATs, but depending on how you go about it this is a good thing. Actually for KU law the march 15th date lets you make the cut off. Though most other schools don't have as late an entry. This gives you the time to really study for the LSAT and make some serious decisions on what you expect from them and where you can go to school. The time frame also lets you make a much larger dent in your debt. No reason to start more debt when you still have old debt (best advice is clear the credit card debt, student loans are good debt because what you owe depreciates faster then the interest on the loan). Another thing that is a bonus is the ability to get instate tuition. Obviously this means you have to live in the state of your school choice, but you even have the chance to relocate if you want. This can save you ten to twenty thousand a year in tuition fees depending on the school. Next is the Spring semester entries into law schools. Depending on the school this can be more or less challenging to get into, but you are not competing with the gazillion recent college grads for spots.

In honesty your job is a good one for Law School or any schooling really. It requires minimal time for maximum pay. The nights you make the most money are the nights you are the least likely going to need the sleep. Few tests on a Saturday or Sunday morning to conflict with your work schedule. Obviously you are going to be giving up all of your free time, but hey life sucks. Most law schools also have a dual MBA JD degree too. This means you can do it all at the same place...

Next question is where to go to school. In general the mid west is much cheaper for tuition and living expenses. Yes Lawrence is high for the area, but relative to east or west coast living it is a pittance. Though some of the schools have a lower prestige then their east or west coast counterparts. Is the education really that different? How do you test that? Percentage that pass the bar? Number that find jobs? Or who you make those all important contacts with? Obviously the last one is more important then the others for some fields. So if you are thinking MBA I would recommend looking for where you will meet the right type of people, which probably means somewhere other than the midwest.
December 15, 2009 at 12:46 p.m.
denak (anonymous) says…

".....I would prefer that you kindly refrain from commenting at all on this blog in the future......"

Sorry, no can do!
December 15, 2009 at 2:54 p.m.
liggyon (David Lignell) says…

"I’d gone from 115 lbs. to 135 lbs. in five short months since moving to the meat-and-potatoes Midwest."

I feel your pain, Anna! Only, let's be as honest as your fine writing. Whose fault is that?! It's not the Midwest that plagues you, it's your choice of foods, eh? Yeah, even in the lowly Midwest, which lacks the finery of your East Coast education, you'll find whole grains, salads, fish, fruits, and a variety of other healthy alternatives. Have you been to the Merc lately?
December 17, 2009 at 12:36 a.m.
AnnaUndercover (Anna Undercover) says…

@Succotash
Yes, I'm thinking in-state is the way to go. We'll see what happens. I have to get a good LSAT score and actually get into a school before I have the luxury of choosing one.

@denak
If you insist on commenting on this blog, I am powerless to stop you.

Please know, however, that it is best to read entries fully, and review the comments before yours, before commenting yourself. Remember that you are joining a discussion, and that someone else may have asked your question, and I may have already answered it. (This happened with your comment above. See two comments directly above yours re: the February LSAT).

Go ahead and contribute once you make sure you have read and fully understand what has already been said. If you don't, please ask questions. I'm happy to answer them. Otherwise, you risk perpetrating inaccurate information.

For example, you referred to me as "Ivy League educated." I said I was an Ivy League *intern.* This means I *worked* at such a school. I do not, sadly, have a degree from such a storied institution. I have no interest in misleading anyone, and I worry that your comment suggested to casual readers that I might have made this claim.

It bothers me that you might continue to perpetrate inaccurate information like this. Please avoid doing this in the future and, again, ask questions if you are unclear.

@Multidisciplinary
Lol!

@liggyon
I apologize for my East coast elitism. At least I know what I am--silly and needlessly snobby! Yes, the Merc is wonderful. I haven't made much money at work recently, so I subsist mostly on whatever is cheap at Walmart, for now. A decent component of that weight-gain also had to do with my many late-night pilgrimages to Taco Bell. Not a good thing. (And not good money management!) I try to take care of my heart, and for a few months there, I obviously did not do that... I take responsibility for it, but but but... It's much easier to eat healthy when McCormick & Schmick's $2 late-night menu is available... ::whine:: ::sniff:: ::shifts-blame-again::

:)
December 17, 2009 at 11:21 p.m.