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Flag Pole: The Obvious Problem of Newt Gingrich
Only if you've been living on a different planet for the past two decades could you not know that this issue was going to come around.
That's it? Really? Intense patriotism breeds intense arousal? So, in a fit of passion--when teenage boys reach for the box of tissues and the hand lotion--Gingrich reached for the flag? And perhaps found wife #3, as well?
If nothing else, you have to give Newt Gingrich applause for original thinking. He married Bisek back in 2000--he had to have known this issue would come around sooner or later. He's had time to think, plan, research. If it flies, and if the voters buy into it, Newt could be the savior of both his country and his colleagues. Imagine how many current and future public servants are crossing their fingers right now--"hall pass," indeed! Perhaps Jefferson was only half right: Perhaps the tree of liberty must also be occasionally be refreshed with the excretions of patriots and philanderers.
This passion is nothing new, when you think about it. The world of art is chock full of artists who, driven by passion, turned to the release of one thing or another. Dylan Thomas had his booze, Charlie Parker had his heroin, Rush Limbaugh had/has his oxycontin. Just think: If Newt had only opened up that age gap a little bit more, he and movie director Roman Polanski would have a few things to talk about.
So, what comes next? Obviously, Newt is looking for another kind of release--the spiritual, metaphysical release. He's received an annulment of marriage #2 from the Roman Catholic Church--surely a sign that God has forgiven him! Now, flag in one hand and... and... flag in one hand, the Horny Patriot is ready to wage holy war on the "secular socialist agenda." These liberals, these Communists, these traitors. Turning their backs on America with their organic tofu and Toyota Prii (official plural of "Prius," as decided by a recent vote of Toyota customers). Betraying the Stars and Stripes with their gun-free homes, their tolerance of, even participation in flag burning and protesting. Spitting on the Constitution, and in the face of God, with their children, pets and--most grievous of all--one marriage. How dare they!! Working through the problems, the rocky patches that every marriage must occasionally navigate, rather than taking the easy way and upgrading to a newer model. The nerve of those secular liberals! What could that wannabe-Marxist dictator, Barack Obama, be thinking? Bringing his beautiful, even "hot" First Wife in the White House! A First Lady who is also a First Wife! The nerve!
This country needs a savior; if anybody can do it, the Horny Patriot can. He has the blessing and forgiveness of the church, along with television and radio evangelists everywhere. He has the agenda. And most importantly of all, he has his third wife.
After all... somebody has to take care of all that tissue!