Actual News*
*...based on actual news
Monday, April 14, 2008
DOUCHE BAGS
Seth Wiese, a 25-year-old employee of the Replay Lounge, was attacked outside of the Replay by unknown assailants early Tuesday morning following the NCAA championship game and ensuing celebration. He suffered facial injuries and a brain hemorrhage and does not have medical insurance. A fund has been set up to help pay for his medical bills at myspace.com/benefitseth. *...The City Commission has vowed to prevent an attack like this from happening again—by shutting down the Replay.
THE BELLE OF THE BALLIN’
Photo by Thad Allender
An estimated 80,000 Jayhawk fans line Massachusetts Street to greet the Kansas University men’s basketball team, the 2008 national champions, including player Darrell Arthur, during a parade Sunday. The team also gathered for an awards ceremony Sunday afternoon at Allen Fieldhouse.
Over 80,000 KU fans crowded into downtown Lawrence on Sunday for a victory parade celebrating the 2008 NCAA Champion Jayhawks. In other basketball news, coach Bill Self announced last week he will stay with KU for years to come, although details of his new contract were still being negotiated. *...Some parts of Self’s contract were evident on Sunday, where he was showered with rubies by a prancing Lew Perkins and carried down Mass. Street on the back of a hunched and saddled Roy Williams.
IM IN UR HOUSE, GOOGLIN’ UR PRIVACY!
A Pennsylvania couple recently sued Google to have photos of their house removed from Google’s Street View feature, which provides panoramic views of neighborhoods in Google Maps. Google has since removed the photos, but the couple is still seeking damages for invasion of privacy. *...Other Google applications facing legal scrutiny are the Google Toilet View, the gNA Database, and Google-oscopy.
AP photo
Gen. David Patraeus testifies on Capitol Hill in Washington.
IRAQATEERING BOOGALOO: INFREQUENT COVERAGE
General David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker delivered testimony before Congress last week, providing a report on the status of military and political progress in Iraq. Both men repeatedly said recent gains were “fragile and reversible” and refused to say under which conditions a troop withdrawal would be recommended, and in fact recommended that planned draw downs in troop levels be canceled—a recommendation President Bush has since agreed with. *...When an exasperated Joe Biden asked if there would ever be a day when Petraeus or Crocker would recommend a troop pullout, Petraeus responded, “The same day we pull out of your mom.” He and Crocker then bumped fists and shouted, “Boosh!”
PREPARE FOR JERK-OFF
The Federal Aviation Administration began cracking down on maintenance inspections last week, forcing the cancellation of hundreds of flights as airlines struggled to meet compliance. The effort was sparked by embarrassing revelations that FAA inspectors had allowed Southwest Airlines to fly dozens of planes that did not meet federal safety guidelines.*…The failure of another Bush Administration agency to properly do its job—either through incompetence or cronyism—immediately prompted a Presidential Medal of Freedom ceremony with a “Mission Accomplished” banner hung on the stage. Everyone in attendance at the ceremony was poisoned with complimentary formaldehyde.
AP photo
A bus carrying Chinese officials and the Olympic Torch makes its way surrounded by police forces and security in Paris.
FLAME RETARDED
The international Olympic torch relay was marred by protests at virtually every stop last week, with the flame even being extinguished and rerouted in Paris, London and San Francisco to avoid altercations. Protesters object to China hosting the Olympics this year, citing the country’s human rights record in Tibet and its support of oppressive regimes in Sudan and Myanmar. *...Chinese officials are unconcerned about whether protesters manage to prevent the flame from making it to Beijing, saying they’ll just throw a bunch of dissident monks into a pit and light them on fire instead.
KUNG PAO DORK
The BBC recently ran a report on the Guo-li-zhuang restaurant in Beijing, which only serves animal penises and testicles. Dishes range from boiled yak penis to fried dog testicles, which are considered aphrodisiac luxuries in China. *...Says the Zagat Survey’s glowing review of the restaurant, “That’s not mayonnaise.”
AP photo
Mark Penn, former pollster and senior strategist for Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential bid.
ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE
Mark Penn stepped down as chief strategist for Hillary Clinton last week amid charges of hypocrisy when it was revealed he was working with the government of Colombia to help pass a trade agreement with the United States, an agreement that Clinton has publicly said she opposes. Penn will remain with the Clinton campaign as a pollster. In other campaign news, Barack Obama was criticized by both Clinton and John McCain for saying that economically disadvantaged voters were “bitter” and turned to issues like gun control to vent their frustrations. *...Penn—widely disliked for his losing political strategies and work as an adviser for anti-union groups and Blackwater—will also keep his position within the Clinton campaign as “Human Equivalent of Plague Sores.” Regarding his “bitter” comments, Obama later apologized for his choice of words. “What I meant to say was that working class people have repeatedly been dicked over by economic policies supported by both Clinton and McCain and that I understand why they’d want to grab a shotgun and shoot some motherf*uckers. I regret if there was any confusion.”
iCLONE
Photos of Nokia’s upcoming “iPhone killer” surfaced online last week. The touch-screen Nokia Tube will reportedly have a camera, GPRS, GPS, WLAN, and will be available early next year. *...The Tube promises to have virtually every feature of an iPhone, including making you look like a choad when you watch episodes of “The Office” on your phone just because you can.
AP photo
Inside the very private polygamous ranch, "Monica," a member of the FLDS Yearning For Zion community, near Eldorado, Texas.
THE BEST LITTLE HORROR HOUSE IN TEXAS
More than 400 children were removed from a polygamist cult’s Texas compound last week and are now in state custody after evidence of sexual and physical abuse emerged. The rogue Mormon sect established the compound outside of San Angelo in 2003 and is known to marry multiple young women to older men. *...Texas law enforcement responded to charges that it turned a blind eye to the cult’s activity, saying, “Hey, it’s not like they were doing anything weird like getting gay married or something.”
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