Dear Dr. Wes and Kyra:

I saw your columns in March about same-sex dating. My daughter is involved with another girl and may decide to identify as lesbian. I’ve reached a peace about this, but the other girl’s family doesn’t know. My daughter says I can’t tell them because this will cause problems for the girlfriend. What is my responsibility is here? I can enforce the rules at my home about sexual contact, but doesn’t the other parent have a right to know, too?

Dr. Wes Crenshaw and Kyra Haas

Wes: The world of GBLTQ dating is advancing so quickly one can scarcely keep up. I recently had breakfast with Julia Poe, editor-in-chief of the Harbinger at Shawnee Mission East and National High School Journalist of the Year. She shared that as a bisexual high school senior, she is astounded at how much easier and more comfortable the process of coming out is for freshmen now than it was for her just four years ago.

Routinely now, I hear from young people I see that they are still deciding on sexual orientation. In most schools, even smaller ones, it is considered quite gauche to bully or mistreat queer teens. One middle school student recently shared that her entire seventh-grade class had banished a student who had made fun of a transgender peer.

This growing fluidity in dating practice should not change how parents welcome their children’s romantic interests into the home. Partners should still be judged on character and substance and not on gender or sexual identity.

This may be hard at times, but it will allow you to maintain real influence over your daughter not by controlling her but by engaging her in a sort of team dating effort. You can be a good coach, but in the end your daughter has to play the game. From your letter, it sounds like you are off to a good start in this regard.

However, your wisdom and teamwork do not extend to your daughter’s girlfriend’s family unless the girlfriend wants it to. While this creates a dilemma for you, stop for a moment and consider how much more complicated it is for this girl. If she were at imminent risk of harm, using hard drugs, drinking and driving, or having unprotected intercourse, I’d have a different view, but the decision to be out to her family is hers alone. Many parents, particularly younger ones, are prepared to deal with sexual or gender orientation. Others, not so much.

The kindness you show your daughter and her girlfriend now will come back to you as both girls age. Your daughter will one day come to see how fortunate she is to have parents who took this time in her life seriously and sensitively, particularly as she gets to know other queer teens who weren’t so lucky.

Kyra: Your responsibility is to be supportive and encouraging without being overbearing or pushy. You’ve done a great job helping your daughter feel comfortable enough with you to share her situation, and forcing her partner to come out before she’s ready will negatively impact not only your relationship with your daughter but also your daughter’s relationship with her partner and the partner’s relationship with her mom.

Try to help the partner improve her situation with her family. Act as a kind, open ear and let her confide how she’s feeling. In listening, try to gauge how her parents would respond to her openly expressing her sexual identity. It may not be as bad as she thinks, but if the situation seems bleak, then don’t push it any further.

On the other hand, if you think the parents could come to the same peace you have, encourage the girl toward openness. Though the task seems daunting, her parents will learn to accept and love her the same as they always have.

However, until the girlfriend tells her parents about her sexuality or dating situation, let the couple spend most of their hangout time at your house. It’s not fair to the girlfriend’s parents to let them unknowingly provide opportunities for sexual activity they wouldn’t support in a straight teen dating relationship simply because these two aren’t out as a couple. Then, if the partner comes out in a year or two, you’ll be able to say to the parents that you offered appropriate supervision during the time they were still in the dark, and they will feel less like the girls misled them.

— Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.