Wes: For as long as I can remember, when a couple was said to be “sleeping together,” it meant only one thing. However, as with all things teen, words only mean what the surrounding culture defines them to mean. A fine example is the word “sick” which used to mean you didn’t feel well or that something metaphorically made you feel that way. Now, according to that amazing resource urbandictionary.com, “sick” means “cool.” Cool used to mean that you needed to turn up the heat, until in the early 1960s it came to mean “really great” or “super okay.” Urbandictionary.com notes that the word “‘cool’ never goes out of style, and people will never laugh at you for using it,” which it deems “very convenient for people like me who don’t care about what’s ‘in.'”

Double Take columnists Gabe Magee and Dr. Wes Crenshaw

Thank the dictionary gods that we can count on at least one word in our lexicon to stay the same.

A couple years ago a young person I know began referring to “sleeping” with someone in a manner that didn’t really make sense. She said, “My best friend Ralph and I were sleeping together and he kicked me in the shin.” I noted that I had not been aware that she and Ralph were having sex. “We’re not,” she said with that puzzled look that kids give when they think you’re really hip and cool and then you don’t live up to your full potential in that regard.

“But you just said you were sleeping together,” I protested.

“No, I didn’t,” she said. “Oh. Wait. I guess I did. I meant we were sleeping together. Like this.” She put her face on her hands, folded together as if praying sideways. She closed her eyes and mimicked a snore. “And then the (expletive) kicked me in the shin.”

I now recognize putting a sleepy head on one’s hands as the universal sign for differentiating “just sleeping” with someone platonically from “getting busy” which urbandictionary.com defines as “having sex.”

At first this trend had me pretty worried. I can think of no situation more prone to sexual ambiguity and miscommunication than lying in bed with a member of your desired dating profile and “just sleeping.” And in fact, shortly after that encounter, I saw an uptick in the number of incidents in which friends went drinking, came home, put sleepy heads on hands, and ended up in a low-consent sexual encounter.

Far more astonishingly, however, is how infrequently that has happened as this trend becomes another new normal. I chalk up both good and bad outcomes of this practice to one thing: communication, as Gabe notes next.

Gabe: To be honest, before Dr. Wes sent me the topic this week, I’d never heard of two teenagers “sleeping together” like this. However, upon thinking about it, it isn’t that far-fetched that two friends could sleep in the same bed as just friends. Friends will often find themselves tired while spending time together, and sharing a bed may just seem more comfortable. However, cuddling in bed is a very intimate activity no matter what your intentions are before it begins. Thus, it’s very important for the two friends to establish ground rules before any miscommunications happen and the relationship suffers.

Each party should first ask themselves, “Why do I want to cuddle with this person?” Hopefully both will be on the same page with their answers, or else it might not be a very good idea. Some might just be looking to share a soft bed, others might want limited making out, and others may want a friends with benefits-style sexual encounter. While this discussion doesn’t need to be extensive, it needs to be clear enough that no one is confused.

This kind of platonic sleep situation gets even trickier when you add alcohol. An instance of sleeping together may start out strictly platonic, but with very little effort may turn into something that one or the other may not fully consent to. I know it isn’t always easy to check yourself while drunk, but try hard to think before putting yourself into an intimate situation while under the influence. You may be asking for trouble, even if you’ve discussed it and done it before.

— Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Gabe Magee is a Bishop Seabury Academy senior. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.