Dr. Wes Crenshaw and Kyra Haas

Wes: Unless you’re headed home to Whoville for an idyllic gathering of loved ones, you’ll probably appreciate a few reminders of what works and what doesn’t at holiday family get-togethers.

You’re generally bringing together people who are related in some way — by blood, marriage, or friendship — but who don’t really hang out that often or know each other well. In fact, the less a family spends time together over the course of the year, the less likely they’ll be understand each other and how to get along. Consider holiday gatherings a stranger situation, not a reunion of kin. Get to know people, assume nothing and reserve comment or judgment. And if there are old axes to grind or resentments to dredge up, resolve to put them off until after New Year’s. If you still think the conflict worth having in January, feel free to pick it up then.

The second problem is generational. Grandparents often expect something different of the holidays than their children or grandchildren. This is especially true among teens and young adults who see holidays as a time of rest and recuperation interspersed with peer social life. College students may bring home dating partners or friends and expect to spend the majority of time with them, not family. Parents, still caught up in their own separation from newly minted adult children, may react defensively when they should instead embrace their son or daughter’s expanding social circle.

Rules are another issue for young adults now used to greater freedom. Set young adult rules for the house, not the individual. So if 19-year-olds want to stay out past “curfew” just tell them when the house locks down and let them stay at a friend’s. If you don’t want dating partners sleeping together under your roof, make that a house rule not a judgment about the request itself. And be sure to work all those issues out before the first day of Christmas break to avoid surprises.

The third big obstacle to happy holiday Whodom is exactly what the Grinch discovered: overdoing and overthinking the whole process ruins it. So, this year I’ve come up with the KISS Principle of holiday planning: Keep it simple, Santa. Balance family, social life, and relaxation by keeping major events reasonable in scope and number. I understand that some folks live for these holiday galas. Just remember that a fair number of us don’t and that mismatch can create a lot of tension and disappointment.

Kyra: As the old saying goes, people choose their friends, but they can’t choose their family. Even if you’re stuck with a couple of Grinches this holiday season, don’t let them dampen your festivities. Here are my suggestions for how to get through the holidays so that everyone leaves in one piece, happier and slightly plumper:

1. Put away your phone. Yes, Grandma’s quaint non sequitur might make the Twitter quote of the century, but nothing distances relatives more than replacing conversation with technology. Smartphones make it too easy for everyone to be alone, even when they’re together.
2. Play games. With those phones safely stowed in suitcases or back pockets, pull out the Scrabble board or a deck of Uno cards. Find something that your six-year-old cousin and your 97-year-old great aunt can both enjoy. As long as the competition remains friendly, board games can draw all the colorful patches of a family into a cohesive quilt while avoiding conflict, which brings us to…
3. Choose your battles. During holiday gatherings, one fares best if she puts her political tirades and controversial opinions aside, no matter how just and well-reasoned they may be. If you only see these relatives during the holidays, at graduations and at weddings, avoid striking a nerve that will stay aggravated until the next big family get-together.
4. Listen. While working to avoid an unnecessary argument, try talking to that fascinating uncle about his unique lifestyle. Don’t critique him or offer your sage advice–just listen. People love to talk about themselves, and all will appreciate an open, accepting ear. The more you know about someone, the easier it will be to show empathy the next time they say something with which you disagree.

Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.