Dear Dr. Wes & Kendra:

I’ve gotten myself into a problem. My boyfriend told me that he loves me. I wasn’t expecting to have that conversation for another couple of months, at least. He said it so plainly and truthfully that it rattled me and I said it back, even though I’m not there yet. I have a huge pit in my stomach from the guilt of lying, knowing that I can’t take back what I said, and I don’t know what to do.

Kendra: I have said, “I love you too” to three different people. But I’ve only said, “I love you” to one person. This minor differentiation means little to most people, but in reality, the word “too” means a whole lot.

The first time I said, “I love you” without being prompted, I asked that my boyfriend not say it back to me that night, but to instead say, “I love you” whenever the feeling finally, genuinely emerged. For those less obsessive compulsive than I, you can of course allow your partner to offer up the “I love you too” on command.

But if your boyfriend already beat you to the sentiment, simply explain to him that while your feelings may not be parallel at the moment, you care about him enough to be honest about where you’re at in the relationship thus far. If he truly loves you, he will understand that everyone falls in love at their own pace and that you may just need more time.

However, be sure to keep in mind that an “I love you” is not a marriage proposal. Anyone who’s seen a season of the Bachelorette knows every guy admits to falling in love with whoever the bachelorette happens to be, even though he only met her a few weeks prior. So even though you may feel like your guy is at a very different place emotionally than you, he may just be labeling the same feelings you’re having as “love.”

Although you may not be quite there yet, when you’re ready to say, “I love you” minus the “too,” you’re taking a bigger step. And when you do, your partner will realize the weight this statement holds to you and the moment will be far more meaningful.

Wes: Kendra’s point is well taken. Responding lovingly to someone’s offering of love is a lovely thing, but it is different than lovingly offering up your love first.

Unfortunately, because you’ve already said those sweet words, a dilemma remains. After hearing them rolling from your lips, your boyfriend will soon be back for more. If you don’t ‘fess up, then every time you look into his eyes, you’ll feel like you’re silently betraying him. If you do tell, he’ll feel rejected.

It’s hard to know where any given relationship is headed, particularly when you’re new at this. If this one looks like it could eventually end up with a genuine exchange of love, then sit on the secret for now. Love is indefinable enough as to run the range from giddy joy to profound connection. If you’re not quite feeling it all yet, take a deep breath, enjoy what you do feel and give the relationship time.

When he next utters the words, kiss him and say how happy it makes you to know he feels that way. Hopefully he won’t press you to respond. If he does, let him know that you’re still finding your way through this whole “love thing,” that he shouldn’t take it personally, and that you need some space to sort it all out. Hopefully he’ll appreciate how seriously you’re taking the relationship and back off a notch.

If on the other hand, the relationship doesn’t really have a future, you should probably throttle things back at the next opportunity. When “I love you” comes back around, let him know that you were so flattered by his words that you responded in haste. Assure him that you do really like him and enjoy spending time with him (which I assume is true) but that for now, you probably need to retire that response. He’ll be disappointed no doubt, but hopefully he’ll appreciate your honesty.

–Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his practice Family Psychological Services at dr-wes.com. Kendra Schwartz is a Lawrence High School senior. Send your confidential 200-word question on adolescence and parenting to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.