To the person who stole my 6-foot ficus tree from my front porch on Monday night: We won’t go into how it’s wrong to steal other people’s property because you are obviously beyond such silly morality.

This is simply a request to take care of my tree; I had it for 17 years and I’m rather fond of it. It will need re-potting soon, so please take care of that, will you? You might want to use a large, thick ceramic pot — unlike the plastic pot it’s in now — to make it even heavier and more difficult to steal. Make sure you have room for it in your home when the weather gets colder, as it doesn’t like temps below 45 degrees and will not survive the winter outside. Take good care of it, OK?

Thanks.