LJWorld.com

Photo by Richard Gwin

Floral designer Angela Longhurst works on a Valentine’s Day project at Owens Flower Shop, 846 Ind. Shop owner Sharon Reynolds says professionally arranged flowers should last longer than those you might grab out of a cooler.

Photo by Richard Gwin

Display roses are shown at Owens Flower Shop. Roses are popular for Valentine’s Day, but they also tend to be more expensive.

I’m standing in the middle of the showroom floor of Owens Flower Shop kicking myself.

Why, oh why, have I never taken the time to talk about flowers with my wife? Here I am staring at a bunch of roses at $4 per rose, and yet right over here are these wonderful creations called chrysanthemums.

They are wonderful because they are $2 per flower.

But the words of shop owner Sharon Reynolds echo through my head.

“Women either love chrysanthemums, or they hate them,” Reynolds said.

I, of course, don’t know which side of this love-hate line my wife stands on. And I keep thinking: How could that be? Of all the mindless conversations she’s engaged me in — Fiestaware colors, lectures over eggshell-white versus off-white — she’s never mentioned whether she like chrysanthemums.

I’m sure she hasn’t, because I hear and remember everything my wife says to me.

So, I stand there in the middle of Owens Flower Shop twitching. Every part of my man soul is pushing me toward the chrysanthemums. But my highly conditioned marriage mind reminds me that a hard couch is a high risk to take.

Yeah, Happy Friggin’ Valentine’s Day.

Oh well, it did give me more time to talk to Reynolds. Based on my conversation with her, here are some thoughts for other flower-challenged males to ponder this Valentine’s season:

• Have a budget in mind. Reynolds says some men do spend more than $100 on Valentine’s flowers (what did those guys do?), but Reynolds says there are plenty of options well below that. All right guys, this isn’t Reynolds talking, but here’s my friendly piece of advice. Spend what you want, but don’t get caught up in that mumbo-jumbo of “love knows no bounds.” Let me tell you, fellas, that’s how you go broke. It starts with two dozen roses, and then the next thing you know, both she and your bank account have left you.

• Order early. Evidently waiting till 4 p.m. on Valentine’s Day is not a good plan. What? Dinner isn’t until 7.

• Then, there’s this age-old question: Quantity or quality? What I mean here is, do you buy two or three of these $4 roses, or do you maybe drift over here and buy 10 or 11 of these wonderful $1.50 Snap Dragons. Hmm. Hmm. Reynolds reminds me that roses are as close to a sure thing as you’ll find. I think of it this way, though: Think of whether you would rather have a six-pack of Heineken or a 24-pack of Old Milwaukee’s Best. Figure out what you would want, then do the exact opposite — because trust me, deep down, she thinks you’re an idiot.

• Cheat. Now we’re talking. Reynolds says her shop offers a “reminder service.” You tell the shop your wife’s birthday, your anniversary, perhaps the date of your annual all-night pub crawl with your buddies, and the shop will call you a couple of weeks ahead of time to suggest you might want to order some flowers.

• Get help. Let’s face it, a florist in the first 10 seconds of her day has spent more time thinking about flowers than you have all year. Reynolds says it is not a bad idea to just give your florist a price range and a general idea (maybe you know her favorite color) and then leave the rest of up to the pros.

Plus, Reynolds tells me that professionally arranged flowers are going to last longer than just standard flowers that you may grab out of the cooler case.

I didn’t know that. I thought all cut flowers were like the freedom of all married men — slowly dying.

What? I went too far?

Yes, dear. Lots and lots of roses are on the way.