Pam McDermott was taken aback when her husband, John McDermott, suggested the idea of them leaving campus ministry at Kansas University and starting a new church in Lawrence.

She was happy with what the couple, married in 1989, were doing at the time.

And she wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of suddenly becoming a pastor’s wife.

“The image I had in my mind of a pastor’s wife wasn’t good. It was kind of a lonely, isolated person, somebody who was forced to be a certain way, and I wasn’t interested in that at all,” says Pam, 39.

“So I told him up front, ‘I’m just going to be who I am; I’m not going to always pretend I’m happy with everything. I’m not going to live like that.’ He was fine with it.”

John, 42, and Pam went on to found Morning Star Christian Church, 998 N. 1771 Road.

Twelve years later, she’s definitely a pastor’s wife, but “not the one I feared I might become or anything. I’m just Pam,” she says.

She’s been able to retain her own identity, eschewing any formal title at the church. That’s the way she likes it.

“First of all, being introduced as the pastor’s wife ages you about 10 years. And then people’s demeanor kind of changes; they have an idea about what it means to be that. They can’t cuss around you,” she laughs. “I just want people to be who they are.”

Pam’s among countless women who marry ministers, taking on a role that isn’t always easy.

Monica Burwick, right, helps Sunday School students at Clinton Parkway Assembly of God, 3200 Clinton Parkway, memorize a lesson. Burwick is the wife of the Rev. Rick Burwick, senior pastor. She is involved in working with children in Sunday School and other settings.

While their husbands often have years of preparation for the ministry, their wives receive a crash course in learning how to serve the needs – and live up to the expectations – of a whole congregation.

For some it’s like living in a fishbowl; for others it means trying to keep an uneasy balance atop a pedestal.

Few would tell you it’s anything but a constant (and often richly rewarding) challenge.

Role shaped by personality, talents

Detra Bachus was luckier than many of those who are married to pastors.

She had an excellent source of advice: Her mother-in-law, Wilma Bachus, married to the Rev. C.L. Bachus, longtime pastor of Mt. Zion Baptist Church, in Kansas City, Kan.

“She was kind of a role model, just the manner in which she carries herself. She doesn’t get involved in (church) cliques, she’s kind of there for everybody,” she says.

Detra Bachus is married to the Rev. Reginald Bachus, pastor of First Regular Missionary Baptist Church, 1646 Vt. It’s his first pulpit, and he’s served there four years.

Detra teaches Sunday school, directs the vacation Bible school and occasionally chairs a special program or project.

She also has a full-time career, working as an assistant principal at Washington High School in Kansas City, Kan.

The couple have two children, Reginald Jr., 22, and Regina, 19, and live in Kansas City, Kan.

“I believe in my heart of hearts that God called Reggie to preach, I believe that is what God wants him to do. And I feel my role is to support him in what he does, and to be there to help when and where I can,” she says.

But that doesn’t mean she’s allowed herself to be forced into assuming duties that don’t suit her.

“You do what fits your personality and your talents. There used to be a time that the first lady (the pastor’s wife) played the piano and sang. I can’t play, and I can’t sing. That wouldn’t work for me, so I do other things,” Detra says.

Never-ending job

Being a pastor’s wife means having to fill multiple roles – something that Monica Burwick knows well.

Monica Burwick, center, grins after telling a joke during Sunday School at Clinton Parkway Assembly of God, 3200 Clinton Parkway. Burwick, wife of Assembly of God pastor Rick Burwick, is involved in working with children in Sunday School and other settings.

She’s married to the Rev. Rick Burwick, pastor of Clinton Parkway Assembly of God, 3200 Clinton Parkway.

Monica is the church’s Christian education director, overseeing all the children’s ministry programs. She leads Bible study groups and equips others to take them over. And she works in the office two days a week.

It doesn’t end there.

“I go on hospital visitations with Rick, I go with people when they have special visits they’re not looking forward to, like when they have chemotherapy treatments,” she says.

But that’s OK with her, she says, because she feels that God has called her to work right alongside her husband.

Monica, 54, keeps her busy life on track by keeping her priorities straight.

“I feel like I can be the best mother, best grandmother, best pastor’s wife I can be, but the real reason I was created is to bring God glory. And if I have him first in my life, everything else will fall in place,” she says.

Not only is Kitsy Gray a pastor’s wife – she’s married to the Rev. Paul Gray, senior pastor of Heartland Community Church, 619 Vt. – but so are her two daughters.

One’s married to a music minister, another to a youth minister.

What advice would she offer young women figuring out what it means to be a pastor’s wife?

“Just keep focused on what God is telling you to do, and how God is telling you to respond. Keep that relationship with the Lord strong, seek his wisdom all the time,” she says.