Did you hear about Philly sports fans booing Santa Claus?

That was funny.

Did you hear about the Falcons fan who was abducted, had his head dunked in a toilet and was tossed over a rail to his death?

That wasn’t funny.

It also didn’t happen. But don’t be shocked if eventually you hear something like that.

It’s not exactly news that Philadelphia sports fans didn’t catch the elevator to the human floor. But when you see the phenomenon in action, you realize something really needs to be done.

I saw a minor version Sunday before the Vikings game at Lincoln Financial Field. Some guy walked past a group of green-faced drunks when one of them blurted, “Eagles!”

The passer-by apparently didn’t realize that meant he should whip out a poster of Donovan McNabb. He kept walking, so one of the yahoos ran over to him and started screaming (words that can’t be used in a family newspaper).

At some point, every Philadelphia story contains the phrase “words that can’t be used in a family newspaper.” It’s almost a cliche.

I’m not saying fans shouldn’t get drunk and offer good-natured insults. But don’t visiting fans have the right to attend a game without fearing they’ll end up floating in the Delaware River?

Not in the City of Not-So-Brotherly Schlubs.

“It’s like they haven’t come out of the barbarian age,” Steve Erban said.

He’s a travel agent from Lake Elmo, Minn., who regularly books tours for football fans. On a typical weekend, up to 150 clients will follow the Vikes. Last weekend, 12 ventured to Philadelphia.

“We went in drag,” Erban said.

They actually just wore nondescript hats and jackets. But you’d gladly dress like Cher if you’d been with Erban in Philadelphia last year.

He wore a Packers jacket to Green Bay’s playoff game. He was showered with (you know what kind of words). When he got to his seat, a security guard told Erban not to defend himself or look anyone in the eye if they taunted him.

Don’t look them in the eye? What are they, werewolves?

To be fair, not all Philly fans foam at the mouth. It’s the 60,000 bad ones who give the 5,000 good ones a bad name.

Their only company in Darwin’s caboose are Raiders fans. Mental-health specialists have offered plenty of theories, ranging from self-esteem deficit to high union dues to being dropped on their heads at birth.

Short of a spay and neutering program, I’m not sure what can be done. Erban didn’t look them in the eye last year, even as they threw beer and coins at him. And when one slid down and tried to sit in his seat, spoiling for a fight, Erban decided it wasn’t worth the hassle.

He went to a bathroom, ducked in a stall, turned his Packers jacket inside-out and left the stadium. Then he wrote a letter about his experience, posted it on his company’s Web site, and mailed it to the NFL, the mayor of Philadelphia and the president of Lincoln Financial Group.

None responded, though Erban heard from plenty of Philadelphians wondering what his problem was.

“I tell them I’m proud I enjoy the NFL,” he said. “It’s our greatest game. And I just want to keep it that way.”

No doubt, so does Paul Tagliabue. He and the mayor should get regular-guy tickets and wear Michael Vick jerseys to Sunday’s NFC title game.

There’s no easy solution to such an inbred problem. But maybe something will occur to Tags as his head is lowered into a toilet.