Ten minutes into a discussion about family finances, Joan Carlson already is shifting uneasily in her chair.

Her 19-year-old daughter, Sarah, has begun describing what she calls her “exotic animal stage.”

A weakening job market and rising levels of consumer debt are making it harder for families to ignore thorny discussions about money. Often, these talks ignite long-simmering conflicts about a wide range of family issues regarding personal freedom, career choices and family responsibility. Sarah Carlson, left, and her mother, Joan, put books away at a bookstore where they work. They are both working to help make ends meet.

Last spring, Sarah used money earmarked for her college education and started buying pets lots of them. Snakes, geckos and iguanas filled her bedroom.

When she grew tired of the animals, she gave them to a pet store and asked for nothing in return.

“It’s a topic we’d rather not discuss,” said Joan, who cast a disparaging look at her daughter. “I believe in focusing on the positive.”

Even in boom times, American families are not eager to talk about money. A survey by Falls Church, Va.-based credit card company Capital One found that almost one-third of adults have never had a conversation about finances with their spouse or significant other.

But a weakening job market and rising levels of consumer debt are making it harder for families to ignore thorny discussions about money. Often, these talks ignite long-simmering conflicts about family issues. The rifts can be deep enough to tear families apart.

Psychologists and marriage counselors report an increase in the number of people seeking professional advice on how to deal with financial anxiety.

In the past, it would take hours of counseling before married couples would confess to having anxieties and disagreements over money, said Dr. Peter Battis, a psychologist with North Carolina-based Human Resource Consultants.

Now families readily admit these problems often on their first visit, Battis said.

The consumer credit counseling center at Triangle Family Services in Raleigh, N.C., has noticed the change.

“Maybe it’s Sept. 11th, but people seem far more willing this year to vent frustration about their financial problems,” said Tom Harmon, director of consumer credit counseling at Triangle Family Services.

Talk of falling stock values and corporate downsizings dominates the financial news channels, but according to counselors, most families are stressed about something closer to home: credit card debt.

Often, people underestimate the amount of anxiety that debt can create. According to Myvesta.org, a credit counseling center based in Rockville, Md., 49 percent of people who confess to having debt problems also experience some symptoms of depression.

Depression only makes debt problems worse, Battis said. Instead of trying to find solutions, a depressed family member will either ignore the problem or attempt to lift their mood by spending. “People become emotionally paralyzed, which means they are unable to take action,” he said.

The best prevention against this sort of anxiety is communication, said Harmon of Triangle Family Services.

Family members must realize that it is rare for two people to have the same attitudes about money. Once family members recognize these differences, they have a better chance of resolving them.

“Money is not the taboo that it used to be, but it’s still not an easy subject for a lot of people to discuss,” Harmon said. “People will talk about all kinds of problems, but they have a hard time admitting that creditors are calling them at home or that debts are piling up.”

Keeping finances separate is the most obvious way to avoid fights over money. In 70 percent of American marriages, both partners work, which means they can keep at least some of their money in separate bank accounts.

For most families, however, finances cannot be segregated so easily. The spending habits of one family member have a direct effect on the others.

Take the Carlsons. Five years ago, Joan decided to quit her career as a corporate buyer and pursue something that she found more fulfilling as a transliterator at a local elementary school.

The new job involved a significant cut in pay, and last year Joan had to take a second job to make ends meet.

Joan works close to 60 hours a week, often coming home so exhausted that she doesn’t have the energy to cook a full meal.

Given her sacrifice, Joan was dismayed when she discovered that Sarah was dipping into her college savings account to buy pets. Joan felt it was time they had their first candid talk about money.

After that discussion, Sarah stopped buying animals and got a job. Now, Sarah fills in for her mother, and works extra hours, when her mother is tired after a day at school.

“It’s nice to have her around,” said Joan, who talked between shifts at Borders.

“We lean on each other.”