Last week, we looked at the year in review. This week, I predict the future. Previously, I called Miss Cleo's Psychic Network for a glimpse into the mysteries of tomorrow. But the only thing I got was an $80 charge on my phone bill for my "psychic" to tell me that I should eat a healthy meal and get plenty of rest before I gamble in Las Vegas.
Like I even care about sleeping or eating when I'm in Vegas. I'm qualified to make predictions on my own, no problem. Done it before. If I take a look back at my March 3, 1999, column that ran in the University Daily Kansan, I had such insights as forecasting former Kansas basketball wash-out Luke Axtell would have 30-point games the following season. Guess I should have clarified that I was referring to when he was playing PlayStation 2 College Basketball.
So, realizing that I have as much psychic ability as Jar Jar Binks has light comedic talent, let's get started:
Jan. 12, 2002. While playing against UCLA, Nick Collison gets in foul trouble at the 9-minute mark of the first half.
Feb. 3, 2002. Chicago fans remain dismayed that their Bears lose the first game of the playoffs, and are forced to watch Marshall Faulk score three touchdowns as the St. Louis Rams win their second Super bowl in three years, defeating the Rich Gannon-led Oakland Raiders.
Feb. 4, 2002. While playing at Kansas State, Nick Collison gets in foul trouble at the 17-minute mark of the second half.
Feb. 9, 2002. Coach Bob Knight makes his first appearance at Allen Fieldhouse with his Texas Tech Red Raiders. The Red Raiders upset the Jayhawks in a 97-91 shocker. Texas Tech alumni herald the signing of Knight as the greatest move by the University since the day they opened admissions to women.
Feb. 17, 2002. Bob Knight attempts to strangle a woman at Whataburger in Austin when he incorrectly gets a chicken sandwich instead of the triple bacon cheeseburger he ordered. Texas Tech officials declare that they hate it when their orders get screwed up, too.
Feb. 21, 2002. I write a column declaring the need for the U.S. Government to make it a federal offense if convicted of attacking a Whataburger employee. I encourage everyone to go to www.whataburger.com to e-mail their support for the disabled franchise.
Feb. 24, 2002. Nick Collison. Foul trouble. You get the picture.
April 2, 2002. The Final Four hits Atlanta. Teams surviving thus far: Kansas, Oklahoma State, Illinois and the evil Duke Blue Devils (as always, please stress the word "Devils"). Duke is forced to play without Chris Dunleavy after he was injured in a second round game when Jason Williams hugged him too hard after he made a free throw. Kansas capitalizes, and bounces the Devils while Oklahoma State eliminates Michigan State for an all-Big 12 final game. Kansas wins the championship two days later, 87-77. Drew Gooden wins tournament MVP honors.
April 30, 2002. My father, Senior Master Sergeant Boyd Jones, retires from the Kansas Air National Guard after 24 years of service to join the professional Bass Fishing Tour. Though his first year is successful, he still is out-fished by his son Seth "Stickfish" Jones every time they hit the lake together.
May 3, 2002. "Spider-Man" opens in movie theaters nationwide, and I declare it the greatest movie ever, despite the villainous Green Goblin looking absolutely ridiculous. In the weeks leading up to the series, I offer a Spider-Man factoid in every column until my editor pulls the plug after a dispute over the true origin of the Hobgoblin.
June 10, 2002. After the Kansas City Royals defeat the San Diego Padres, the Royals officially have a better record than they did the previous season. I get excited, until I realize that saying the Royals are better this year is similar to saying that someone is only "half-full" of cancer.
July 17, 2002. Anna Kournikova officially retires from tennis. In a poll by USA Today, 87 percent of the men polled admit they've never witnessed a Kournikova tennis match, yet 99 percent claim to have seen her "once or twice" on the Internet.
Aug. 23, 2002. I meet a reader at a bar in Lawrence, and once again, he/she confesses to loving my columns in the Pitch. I adore every one of my readers (except for the really evil readers you know who you are), but please, this is The Mag. I've been here a year. I know the secret handshake and everything.
Sept. 3, 2002. Former Kansas basketball player Jerod Haase releases the highly anticipated follow-up to his book "Floorburns." The book, titled "Carpetburns," has nothing to do with Kansas basketball, but is still a hit with local female readers.
Oct. 18, 2002. The Montreal Expos face off with the Minnesota Twins in the World Series. Strange, but true.
There you have it, folks. I will not be held liable for any money made or lost by betting on these predictions. But if you make some dough and want to send me a cut, drop it by The Mag, c/o Seth Jones at the Lawrence Journal-World office not the Pitch.
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