Did you know that you can now order "marijuana" via the Internet or even over the phone? It's legal and cheap, too fat, tasty nuggets that look almost identical to last month's High Times centerfold. Smoke it ahhh savor the herbal taste. Hold the smoke in a bit longer. There feel the relaxation yet? The euphoria? Getting hungry?
I didn't think so.
The promise of a cheap, legal high has been dangled in front of potheads for years. Meticulously designed "herbal blends" with enticing names like "Ultra-Super Bubblegum Purple-Death Skunk Mix," promise to "give you the vision to see the northern lights," or "make you cough and get off." Prices are often dramatically cheaper, than the real thing and they even deliver right to your mailbox. A pot smoker's dream is to order the pizza and the bud and have both arrive at the door simultaneously no legal hassle, no problems and no getting off the couch.
Of course, most things that promise to be just as good as the real thing like fake boobs or carob chips for instance usually aren't. The rule also applies to products that are supposed to be better for you in some way (Sharp's non-alcoholic beer, anyone?), but never seem to taste quite right. It's the same with fake weed: It's just too good to be true. But sometimes, the temptation is too great, the promises too enticing.
First off, the stuff is legal because it doesn't contain any THC the chemical that gets you high in the first place. Not even synthetic THC! And, while most "herbal mixes" claim to cause relaxation, Viagra-trouncing sexual stimulation and/or psychedelic visions to rival that of the ancient tribes of Pangaea, they also could just as easily contain catnip. Hey, some herbal cigarettes do.
How high?
Brett Allen works at 7th Heaven, and can be found at least some of the time manning the cash register in the "adults only" area of the store and answering smoking-related questions. If you ask him whether or not you should buy a legal herbal blend, prepare for a pretty harsh answer.
"It's designed to look like marijuana, to look like pot, but basically it's just the same as any kind of herbal cigarette you would buy it's the same stuff," he says. "It does nothing. It's junk."
Allen admits that he tried the pseudo-weed once, but is quick to add he did not spend any money questing for that perfect, legal high.
"It wasn't like something I bought," he says. "It was one of those things somebody had as a joke, and we tried it, and it was crap."
To prove his point, Allen says that he has never had anyone come back for a second helping of any herbal pot substitute not even the younger (but still legal) kids who come in wanting to buy some fake weed to look cool.
It's also in the fine print. Advertisements for these products rarely claim that they will actually get you "stoned." In fact, they usually only mention that their herbal blends are "similar" to weed. An online ad for "Mystic Hybrid" reads: "Just like 'Da Kind' sweet skunky buds! Ultra chronic 100% Legal. Not compressed herb made to just look like buds ... real buddy! Very popular alternative smoke. Rating: Looks & smells too real!"
Still, you can't believe everything you see advertised in High Times. But so many people do, says Allen, that herbal pot companies are able to stay in business, generating millions of dollars a year for an industry that few in the mainstream are even aware exists.
"You can make money just by marketing to people who don't know what they're buying," he says. "You can market anything if you get the right advertising."
But hype aside, the most that alternative smoking blends can claim is to produce sensations similar to those of pot. For new smokers, these sensations might prove adequate, but anyone who's ever "not inhaled" will probably be let down. And there's one crucial element missing from the purchase and consumption of legal schwag that usually flavors the experience of the real thing risk. For many smokers, part of the fun is the thrill the knowledge that marijuana possession is against the law.
"People just shouldn't be so naive to believe something they read in an ad," Allen smiles. "Just think about it a little bit longer and it makes more sense ... If it actually worked, people would be coming back to buy it, and that never happens."
In any case, a tempting sample of "Panama Red" herbal blend can be obtained by making a trip to 7th Heaven. For $25 you can get a half ounce of strangely scented, vaguely pot-looking nuggets. Pour them onto the coffee table and pretend you're a powerful, money-hungry drug lord with a bunch of wacky weed to sell.
When bored with this, get a few friends and kill a couple of hours picking at the buds, trying to decide whether to go for it or not. Finally, smoke the strange vegetation, sit back and wonder if that slight headache marks the onset of the wild, psychedelic ride promised in advertisements, or just the sensation of money being drained from your bank account. Then debate whether smoking pet hair and carpet dust wouldn't do about the same thing for less.
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