Yes, it is again that time of year when those among us conscientiously committed to self-improvement make solemn resolutions. Not qualifying for membership in that select group, I will settle instead for a mixed bag of regulations, questions and challenges for 2002 (some of which are left over from the year just ended).
1. I pledge to make a semi-serious effort to find out just where they keep the midget printing press. You know, the one that produces that incredibly fine print we try to read on the back of our monthly bills from the credit card and telephone companies.
2. Because no child in recorded history has ever really had the ambition to become lieutenant governor of her state when she grows up, I will make an effort in 2002 to identify and then to praise the lieutenant governor of some state who will frankly admit about his position: "Look, it's not a bad deal. They give you a car, an office, phone, fax and stationery. If you want to run for governor or senator (which every breathing lieutenant governor fully intends to do), then the job of lieutenant governor which is all indoor work and no heavy-lifting is a better place than most to campaign from."
3. Can we all now agree that every one of us, regardless of how fascinating our narrative might be, will be arbitrarily limited to one airport security/baggage screening anecdote per round trip?
4. The Geneva Convention must be reconvened to ban, in the interest of the jeopardized sanity of Americans who watch sports on TV, these terminally offensive broadcasting cliches: the "next level," preceded by "to" or "at." Apparently the only reason anybody plays any sport is so that he or she can "perform" or "compete" in the future. Where? "At the next level." For the high school athlete, the "next level" (which is apparently always higher) would be junior college or college.
If enough members of a given team are able to compete "at the next level," then that team can "raise its game to another level." Enough.
"To the table," is equally as bad. What a team or a player "brings to the table" can be youth or inexperience, maturity or tired legs. How about just discussing strengths or weaknesses instead?
5. While we're at it, isn't it time that the Republicans accepted the maxim of conservative poet laureate Robert D. Novak, who proclaims "the Republican Party was put on earth for one purpose, and that is to cut taxes." Remember the changing arguments for the largest-ever, $1.3 billion tax cut pushed by President George W. Bush?
First, the tax cut was necessary because the Clinton boom times had sent too much money to Washington. Then, in 2001 when the economy hit a rough patch, Republicans shifted their argument, insisting that the tax cut was needed because the economy was soft.
And don't forget the GOP's constant appeal to our selfish side, "It's your money." Good economy? Tax cut! Bad economy? Tax cut! Republicans, give up the ghost and admit that your one-size-fits-all solution for every social ill uninsured hospital patients, declining reading scores or arsenic in the well water is, that's right, tax cuts.
6. Do you remember when a smiling gas station attendant appeared to fill up your tank and wash your windshield, and when your checking account was balanced by the warm blue-haired lady at your local bank? Now, we pump our own gas and do our own banking with a plastic card. So why does it cost us so much more to buy gas and to write checks?
Happy 2002!
Mark Shields is a columnist for Creators Syndicate.
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