Everyone knows that divorce is tough on children. What about parent-child separation that occurs for reasons other than divorce? Is the pain any less intense for children when a parent has a good reason to be away?
Research confirms that the consequences of any parent-child separation can be severe. In one study of fathers whose jobs required them to be away from their families for long periods of time, the children tended to experience numerous negative reactions, including anger, rejection, depression, low self-esteem and, commonly, a decline in school performance. Those findings have been confirmed in other contexts as well.
Some of those conclusions were presented at a White House conference at which I spoke a few years ago. The other speaker was Armand Nicholi, professor of psychiatry at Harvard University. That day, Nicholi explained how family circumstances that make parents inaccessible to their children produce some of the same effects as divorce itself.
Cross-cultural studies make it clear that parents in the United States spend less time with their children than almost any other nation in the world. For decades, millions of fathers have devoted themselves exclusively to their occupations and activities away from home. More recently, mothers have joined the work force in huge numbers, rendering themselves exhausted at night and burdened with domestic duties on weekends. The result: No one is at home to meet the needs of millions of lonely preschoolers and latch-key children.
Nicholi expressed regret that his comments would make many parents feel uncomfortable and guilty. However, he felt obligated to report the facts as he saw them.
Most important (and the point of his address), Nicholi stressed the undeniable link between the interruption of parent-child relationships and the escalation of psychiatric problems that we were then seeing, and that are even more pronounced today. If the numbers of dysfunctional families and absentee parents continued to escalate, he said, serious national health problems were inevitable.
Half of all hospital beds in the United States at that time were taken up by psychiatric patients. That figure could hit 95 percent if the incidence of divorce, child abuse, child molestation and child neglect continued to soar. In that event, Nicholi said, we would also see vast increases in teen suicide, already up more than 300 percent in 25 years, and drug abuse, crimes of violence and problems related to sexual disorientation.
I have reason to understand a measure of the pain spoken of by Nicholi. I experienced it when I was 6 years old. My mother and father left me with my aunt for six months while they traveled. That last night together, I sat on my mother's lap while she told me how much she loved me and that she and my father would come back for me as soon as they could. Then they drove away as the sun dropped below the horizon. I sat on the floor in the dark for an unknown period of time, fighting back the tears as depression engulfed me. That sorrowful evening was so intense that its pain can be recalled instantly today, more than five decades later.
In short, even when parent-child separation occurs for valid reasons in a loving home, a boy or girl frequently interprets parental departure as evidence of rejection. If we have any choice in the matter, we should not put them through that painful experience.
How should a person respond to someone who is in denial? I have a very good friend whose wife is cheating on him, but he chooses not to see it. Should I make him face reality?
There is no blanket answer to that question, in view of all the thousands of specific situations to which it could be applied. There are times when denial is the only link to sanity or stability, and it must be preserved. On other occasions, to break the bubble of illusion can be a loving thing.
Either way, it is risky to awaken a dreamer. If the need for denial is intense, the individual will often lash out at the one who threatens its validity.
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