Feliz ao nuevo! It's the new year, and now that the seasonal shopping spree is over, the post-holiday buying binge can commence. It's also a time to reflect on all the wonderful gifts we Americans received, and ponder whether there'll be enough room in the basement to place them in perpetual storage. Now, some of us will try to deceive ourselves, saying, "No, this holiday will be different I'll actually use the Toastmaster 6506 Electric Egg Cooker that was given to me this year."
Most of us, however, don't try to duke it out with destiny and simply accept our fate that, in the end, the IC-5000 DeLonghi Gelato Supremo Deluxe Automatic Ice Cream Maker that Uncle Mortimer gave us will take its place alongside the slot machine bank and the archery set in the underground silo connected to the basement. In case you're unfamiliar with American history, these silos, which are roughly the size of Siberia, were added as a standard feature to the American home after World War II for the purpose of storing the old appliances that were being replaced weekly by the new automated ones. (Just imagine the prehistoric days of the non-electric fork!) Now they function as Christmas museums as well, maintaining all those memories from decades of merry gift giving.
In fact, while at the parents' St. Louis home last week, I took a stroll down memory lane myself. After walking past the Exercise-Machine Museum (How perfectly preserved those Nordic Tracks are!), I stumbled upon an ancient relic from last Christmas: a home-spa system. Supposedly, all you had to do was hook this rectangular box up to the bathtub, plug it into a wall and pretend like you're royalty. It even came with a small novel, which I thought was there for reading while luxuriating in the soothing waters. The novel, to my surprise, turned out to be an instruction manual filled with warnings like "keep motor away from water" and "not to be used with soaps, shampoos, or bubble baths."
The piece of advice that really sealed the spa's fate was the one stating, "Must be washed after every use." Any gift carrying this last admonition in the United States, that can't be cleaned in the dishwasher, is guaranteed to end up on display behind several boxes in the back of the home silo. This includes Juiceman Juniors, George Foreman Grills, Briel Lido ES15 Espresso Pump Machines, and any other item that requires more time and energy to use than the average two-slice toaster.
Gift wrap
While doing some post-season sales shopping with my folks at Chesterfield Mall, I chanced upon several top finds for the silo. One of these stocking-stuffers was the latest innovation in the water-heating devices currently collecting dust in a dark hole at my parent's place: a foot spa. Its shocking that this contraption was even invented. How did they come up with such a closet beautifier? Businesses must subject their workers to medieval torture methods until their twisted minds can create something no one needs, but is designed so that people are convinced they do. Since a decent bottle of Merlot or a case of Guinness would be a pleasing gift for most, they have to be creative. There's really no limit to what corporations will tell us is essential for the adornment of one's spacious, cobweb-filled dungeon. Here's a partial list:
l 25-piece Christmas Mini Tea Set: From the Crap-in-the-Attic collection, this exquisite gift has absolutely no use whatsoever. Unless your family is from Lilliput.
l Santa Ornament Doll: The sturdy cardboard box it comes in makes this an ideal item for storing in a dark cellar.
l Jingle Bell Rock A-Go-Go: A rotating, dancing Santa that continuously plays "Jingle Bell Rock." Of course, you'll have the additional enjoyment of braining it with a baseball bat after hearing the song for the 17th time in a row.
l 2001 United We Stand Ceramic USA Santa: Features the white-bearded Ol' Saint Nick in a blue suit with red trim standing by a tree: This powerful piece of patriotism was carefully crafted in a Chinese factory where "freedom" rings continuously. Red, white and blue M-16 sold separately.
l Limited Edition Harry Potter Tree Ornament Set: No need to sit outside the store waiting for these babies. In the industry, "limited edition," actually means "coming soon to Happy Meals everywhere."
My personal favorite was a stuffed pig in a Santa costume that oinks "I'm a pig" when squeezed on the nose." Truly the perfect American Christmas gift.
Besides being a time for sorting through holiday refuse, January is also the month that the waning Christmas frenzy is greeted by that post-Yuletide, welcome-back-to-reality credit card bill. OK, so buying a bunch of crap isn't all fun and games. The truth is, Americans can't afford these "tidings of comfort and joy."
In 1999, credit card debt was a striking $565 billion, with an average family carrying a balance of $4,000. Not to mention the landfills full of wrapping paper, mail packaging, cards, and Christmas trees that go along with gift-giving. Each winter, five million tons of extra trash are produced from the orgy of consumption lasting from Thanksgiving to New Year's.
Perhaps it's time for a major change in our holiday rituals. That way, when future generations dig up our remains, they won't find landfills of Hoffritz Stainless Steel Fondue Pots, and Digital Kitchen Cooking Thermometers.
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