One of my knowledgeable sources well, an old pal from my Minnesota and Texas days, actually sent the following e-mail the other day, offering an appealing alternative to anyone who will have to write Uncle Sam a check April 15:

“Dear IRS,” says the sample letter from a taxpayer who owes $3,407.

“Enclosed is my 2001 tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article. … You will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

“Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return.”

Ah, if only …

Since this gambit probably won’t work (if you try it and it does work, let me know immediately), most of us will have to handle our taxes the old-fashioned way tallying things up and then either writing a check or waiting for one.

So, now that most taxpayers have received the forms and statements needed to do their returns, it’s time for those perennial pointers on basics, such has how to avoid an audit or other unpleasant interaction with the tax folks.

Check the details

Taxpayers who omit their Social Security numbers or other identification information are virtually certain to encounter problems, according to CCH Inc., a Riverwoods, Ill., tax-information company. That includes Social Security numbers for dependents and ex-spouses to whom you pay alimony. An oversight like this probably won’t trigger an audit, but the time spent correcting it is sure to delay a refund.

Math errors, too, are a no-no.

So are discrepancies between data you write on your return and data reported to the IRS by other parties. Now is a good time for double-checking the W-2s, 1099s and other statements from your employer, mortgage lender, bank, brokerage, fund company and other financial institutions. Make sure the identification and other data is right. It could take weeks to get corrected documents.

Recently, an acquaintance told me his broker had sent him a yearend statement that didn’t jibe with the monthly statements sent during the year. Yearend statements contain the figures the brokerage passes to the IRS, so using them would be the easiest way to avoid a tax-return problem. But you wouldn’t want to use them if they were wrong imagine if they resulted in a higher tax bill than the correct figures would! Obviously, it’s worth some effort to get to the bottom of any discrepancies.

Deduction reasoning

Taxpayers who itemize deductions run into trouble when they deduct items that aren’t allowed. You can’t, for example, deduct a loss on the sale of your home or other personal property, though you can take a tax loss on the sale of an investment such as a stock or mutual fund.

Similarly, there’s no medical deduction allowed for health-club dues or diet foods. And although you can deduct state and local income and property tax payments on your federal return, you cannot deduct sales taxes paid.

Why’s that? Who knows? Taxes aren’t physics; there’s no fundamental logic.

Among the groups most likely to be audited are surprise! those who have been audited before. Only a dope commits the same offense twice.

Are you a waiter, cabbie or in some other occupation that involves tips? Then, remember: That’s taxable income that has to be reported. The IRS has a good sense of the tip income people in these jobs are likely to earn.

While the tax return comes with a lot of instructions, getting a little additional help can be well worth the cost. Most bookstores put out racks of tax guides this time of year. They’re as thick as phone books and look pretty intimidating. But that’s because they include lots of arcane stuff that most people don’t have to worry about.

I like the $16.95 guide “J.K. Lasser’s Your Income Tax 2002.” If you don’t see it at the store, order at www.jklasser .com or (800) 947-7700.