Dear Ann: My husband and I have been invited to attend my younger brother's second wedding. I don't really want to go, but I'm not sure how to get out of it gracefully. I would appreciate your counsel, Ann.
For the past 20 years, my brother has ignored every important event in my life. He didn't show up for my wedding. He never bothered to send so much as a card when my children were born, nor has he ever sent anyone in my family a birthday or Christmas card. I have always sent cards and gifts to him and his children, and I phone him now and then to chat. He never thinks to call me.
I am fed up with his thoughtlessness and have no desire to spend the money to attend a wedding in another state, paying for airfare and accommodations, not to mention a gift. Is there any way to say "no" to his invitation without causing a major family fight? Had Enough in Georgia
Dear Had Enough: Why should your negative response cause "a family fight"? It seems to me you have every reason to decline the invitation to his second wedding. Based on your history with this brother, it's perfectly OK to say, "So sorry, we cannot make it." You are under no obligation to give them a gift, but if you feel it would help soften the blow, by all means, send a nice one.
Dear Ann: I'm glad you haven't given up on the "how we met" stories, even though some of those Boston snobs think they are corny. Mine is a little different from the others you have printed.
In October 1964, I was a junior at Rosary College in Illinois. The school received an open invitation to a "Computer-Match Dance" at the University of Notre Dame. We had only a vague idea of what computers were back then, but were thrilled to be invited to South Bend, Ind., so we each filled out a detailed two-page questionnaire about our likes and dislikes and sent them in with our $15 checks (a lot of money back then for a college student). The idea was to match us up with a Notre Dame student with similar tastes.
When we arrived at Notre Dame, it was sheer bedlam. I never met my computer match and ended up going to a party somewhere else. Several days later, we discovered that the young men operating the computers were so bogged down with questionnaires that they only matched up men whose last names started with A, B or C. Needless to say, the idea of computer match-ups was a disaster for all my friends, and I put it out of my mind.
A week later, I received a letter from Patrick Condon, a Notre Dame senior, asking why I hadn't waited for him at the dance. I was curious as to why he had taken the trouble to contact me and wrote him back. We continued to correspond and discovered that those questionnaires were a pretty good idea, and that we had a lot of things in common. After six weeks of letters, I was in love.
We met in person at the end of November, and I knew immediately that he was the man I would marry. We had our wedding a year later and just celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. Jeanne in Florida
Dear Jeanne: Thank you for a heartwarming "how we met" story. Yours had special meaning to me because I have an honorary degree from Rosary College, bestowed by the late and beloved Sister Candida Lund.
I hope you have many happy, healthy years with your husband, and that your lives are filled with joy.
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