Let me introduce myself. I'm Retro Man. I turn back calendars. I correct mistakes by using hindsight.
Today's assignment: Blow up the Big 12 Conference.
Here's the way Retro Man sees it:
Those whiny Big Eight fakes aren't worth tolerating for even one more day. They are insecure and petty, living in constant fear of being swallowed up by Big Oil. That's us. That's the state of Texas connection, which was nice enough to annex all that farmland up north six years ago.
With the formation of the Big 12 came big-time exposure and big-time TV money, thanks to the brains and the tireless work of original commissioner Steve Hatchell.
But let's be truthful here. We made them better and richer, but they still hate us, and we still see them for what they really are. Hooterville bumpkins. There have been many snide remarks lately about Bad Bob Knight taking a job in little ol' Lubbock. Let the record show little ol' Lubbock is Gotham City compared to any burg in the Big Eight.
What has really disturbed Retro Man, however, is once we joined up with Corn and Wheat Inc., only then did one truth become self-evident. Those people are basketball frauds.
Retro Man was tricked. He thought the one redeeming factor, and the only one, about inviting the Jed Clampetts into our fold would be the immediate upgrade of college basketball in Texas. Retro Man thought those people knew how to play the game. Thought they would make us be better, just to keep up. Retro Man applauded this, him being a fan of strong hoops.
Then something called Hampton beat Iowa State last week. Then Indiana State beat Oklahoma. Then Rick Barnes looked the fool when his Texas team lost to Temple. Tell us again, coach Barnes, about how undeserving you were of a sixth seed.
Four Big 12 teams lost in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Missouri did play manly in being ousted by Duke in the second round. And that Kansas hasn't choked yet is one of the true upsets of the tourney.
Since the Big Eight fakes didn't make us better in basketball, we don't need these people. The only way a college conference is judged is how it does in the tournament. Since it was born, the Big 12 hasn't had a team in the Final Four. This year, it's had the worst showing of any major conference.
Retro Man sez blow up the Big 12. Let's write the Big Eight fakes a Dear John Deere letter.
Here's the Retro Man plan:
Regather the eight teams from Texas, four of which certainly didn't want the breakup. Even if TCU, SMU, Rice and Houston aren't in a current position to compete, Retro Man can trust these folks. They are us.
Of the four who went to the Big 12, Baylor is already on the upgrade due to coach Dave Bliss, and it now appears Bad Bob will land at Texas Tech. Texas A&M is hopeless at the moment, and Texas needs some immediate changes.
Fire Barnes like yesterday. His style of play is boring, and his tournament record stinks. Bring back Tom Penders. Let's have fun again. Retro Man always loved Crazy Tom. He never bored Retro Man.
With Penders returning, that means athletic director DeLoss Dodds must go. That's another firing that couldn't happen fast enough.
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