Every now and then my wife will gaze thoughtfully at me and say, "You have entirely too much free time on your hands." She does not utter this pronouncement at the expected moments say when I'm reading a John Grisham novel or watching a KU basketball game. Let me give an example.
Last Sunday, flipping through the television channels, I came across "Princess of Thieves" about young Gwyn, the daughter of Robin Hood. I did not know Robin Hood had a daughter.
Robin is arrested in Nottingham, shipped off to the Tower of London and fitted on the rack, a device employed to stretch individuals from a 32-inch sleeve to a 37-inch sleeve. Hence the men's clothing term "off the rack."
Gwyn gets help from young Phillip, the hitherto unknown son of Richard the Lion-Hearted, whose brother Prince John is temporarily in charge of England. To cut to the heart of the plot, Gwyn and Phillip kiss, fall in love and gallop their horses from Nottingham to the tower in time to keep Robin from ordering a Size 40 Extra-Extra-Long and then on to Westminster Abbey in time to prevent Prince John from becoming the King formerly known as Prince. To the surprise of British historians everywhere, Phillip is crowned instead.
King Phillip of England? I checked my CD-ROM Encarta encyclopedia. Richard I is king from 1189 to 1199; then his brother John finally hits prime time as monarch. I double-checked the Britannica.
The geography also bothered me. My old road atlas of Britain pegs the distance from Nottingham to London at 130 miles, as does a Web-based mileage calculator.
Before Gwyn and Phil leave Nottingham, we observe Robin Hood on the rack in London. Each notch on the rack appears to be about an inch or more apart. Two notches click by before the young people and the Merry Men of Sherwood Forest get under way. They arrive, break into the tower and save Robin before the rackster has managed more than another notch or two.
Today, Nottingham to London would be a little under two hours on the motorway. How fast would a horse make it? I look up "horse" in the CD-ROM encyclopedia. Top speed appears to be 45 miles per hour, but, of course, that's for one mile in the sixth at Belmont and then back to the old feedbag.
I go to the Web and ask Google, a search engine, about the average speed of horses. It produces fascinating dollops of information about Genghis Khan's relay messengers (100 miles in a day), racing camels (it's easy to get sidetracked) and the Pony Express. The Pony Express Web site is the most helpful. The average speed was 10 miles per hour.
While Robin is getting the kinks worked out, Phillip, Gwyn and the lads are bouncing in their saddles for about 13 hours. That's some serious rack time.
As they are freeing Robin, the director cuts to Prince John being anointed and taking the oath at Westminster Abbey. He is just about to be kinged when Phillip dashes off from the tower to stop him. The Archbishop manages another sentence or two before Phillip appears at the back of the chapel and halts the proceedings. How can this be? The tower, according to all my maps of London, is about three miles from Westminster Abbey. Of course, there probably wasn't as much cross-town traffic in those days.
Now if I had merely mentioned that I had watched an improbable version of Robin Hood, my wife would have smiled and said, "That's nice." But I told her about the maps and the guidebooks, the two encyclopedias, the online search for horse speeds. I even mentioned Genghis Khan.
And that's when she suggested I find a hobby or clean out the garage.
Joel J. Gold is professor emeritus of English at Kansas University. You can reach him by e-mail at joelgold@ljworld.com. 2000 Joel J. Gold.
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