Dear Ann: Four months ago, my 40-year-old sister separated from her husband of 20 years. "Carol" filed for divorce from "Bill," and they agreed to joint custody of their two young children. Everything was quite civil.
Two months ago, the family learned that my older sister, age 45, has been dating Bill since the separation. Carol was devastated when she found out. I am completely mortified by my older sister's behavior and cannot understand how she could do this to Carol.
My older sister wants the family to accept Bill back into the fold as HER boyfriend. We cannot do this, Ann. She has betrayed my sister's trust, and we are ashamed of her. Should we force ourselves to accept this relationship, knowing how much it would hurt Carol? Please tell us how to handle this. Dakota Family
Dear Dakota: It would have been prudent if your older sister had waited until Bill's divorce was final before she started to date him. Since she didn't choose to wait, she will probably be labeled the skunk at the family picnic forevermore. Unfair, perhaps, but sometimes we pay a big price for poor judgment.
Dear Ann: My mother is in her 70s and lives a short distance from me. I am her primary caregiver and have been for seven years. Lately, Mom has become hateful, meddling and bitter. She says at her age, she has earned the right to behave any way she wants.
My childhood was no picnic. Mom and Dad drank too much, and there was a lot of violence. But to hear Mom talk, you'd think our childhood was beautiful and she was the best mother in the world. Meanwhile, she doesn't speak to my older brother because "he doesn't treat her with respect," and she wants nothing to do with my older sister because she's "a mental case." My mother is very critical of everything I do and is a chronic complainer. My siblings have no interest in caring for her, and I don't blame them.
These last seven years have been difficult. My father died, my husband died, and I am tired. My mother is punitive and demanding. Life is too short to be around someone so hostile. Do you have any advice for me? Exhausted in Columbus, Ohio
Dear Columbus: Your mother is not going to change, so accept that fact and work around it. If you can hire someone to relieve you in caring for your mother, please do so. It will be worth whatever the cost. Also, inform your siblings that they are expected to help with their mother's "expenses." The entire burden should not be on you. If they are halfway decent, they will ante up without complaint.
Meanwhile, you deserve an extra star in your crown for honoring the Fourth Commandment. Down the road, there will be no regrets.
Dear Ann: My fiance gave me an expensive engagement ring a year ago. The problem? I don't like the setting of the ring and rarely wear it. We are now looking at wedding bands. I would like the band to match the engagement ring, but since I can't stand the engagement ring, I don't know what to do. Is there any way to handle this without hurting his feelings? Between a Rock Because of a Rock
Dear Rock Trouble: The truth is always better than pretending and a lot safer, too. When you go to look at wedding bands, tell your beloved how thrilled you are to be part of the selection process, and say, "By the way, since we're in the jewelry store, would you mind if I exchanged the engagement ring for a setting that is more my style? I want to show off that beautiful stone."
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