Dear Ann: Your response to "Wounded Party in Grand Rapids, Mich.," was not up to your usual standards. She said her abusive ex-husband had charmed her parents into supporting him in his attempt to get custody of the children. You told her to line up some character witnesses.
I fear that character witnesses are not going to be of much help to "Wounded" if her ex-husband has convinced even her parents how wonderful he is. Victims of abuse have a psychological profile similar to hostages, which is interpreted as "unstable." Abusers often show a normal profile. This is how judges and juries are hoodwinked into believing that the victims of abuse are unfit parents. Contrary to popular myth, abusers do NOT suffer from anger management problems. They manage their anger just fine whenever there are witnesses.
"Wounded" is going to need help from professionals trained to deal with domestic abuse. She should call her local women's shelter and get the names of attorneys who are experienced in dealing with abuse cases. She may need to hire an expert on domestic abuse to testify about the combative and controlling behavior of batterers, as well as the effect it has on children who see it.
Our system has failed miserably to protect these victims. Please print this, Ann, and help them fight back. S.C., Elgin, Ill.
Dear S.C.: You have written an extremely valuable letter, and I thank you for it. This turned out to be a dynamite subject that elicited a surprising number of educated responses. Keep reading for more:
From Dayton, Ohio: Your answer to "Wounded Party" was incomplete. She needs more than a character witness and good luck. She needs appropriate therapy and a knowledgeable lawyer. She should start looking NOW. I have been in her shoes. My abusive husband dragged me to court every year until he gained custody. I ended up paying child support. The man is a millionaire, and I am a nurse. Money talks and his money had a lot to say about the outcome of that mess.
Fort Worth, Tex: I let my husband have everything the house, the cars and my share of the business in exchange for full custody. I hope "Wounded" hangs in there. One day her children will understand and love her for her courage.
Anchorage, Alaska: This is my first letter to you, although I've been reading your column since I was in high school. It has been seven years since my divorce, but friends and relatives still can't understand why I would leave such a "nice, quiet guy." People see what they want to see. Period. My ex-husband was abusive and made my life miserable, but no one would have guessed it. He fooled everybody.
Pueblo, Colo.: My ex-wife was emotionally and physically abusive to me, but nobody knew it because she seemed like such a sweet person to outsiders. Your readers would be shocked if they knew how many women were the abusers in failed marriages. Men don't tell very often because they are embarrassed and don't want their children to think they are wimps.
Fargo, N.D.: That wife who is worried about losing custody of the children to her abusive husband needs to line up witnesses, even the kids, if necessary, to verify her charges. It was the only way I could keep my children. I did it and am proud of myself. Abusive men should be called to account for their behavior, and it's up to the women to see that this happens.
Dear Readers: An eyeful and an earful? I thought so, too. My thanks to all who wrote. Those suggestions for your embattled sisters and brothers are sure to be appreciated.
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