I demand to know how much longer the so-called "authorities" intend to continue ignoring the international spate of alarming incidents involving bosoms.
At this point you're thinking: "WHAT international spate of alarming incidents involving bosoms?" Unless of course you're a man, in which case you're thinking only: "Bosoms!" The male brain has an entire lobe devoted to this topic.
Anyway, the first incident, which occurred in 1999, is summed up by a headline, which I swear I am not making up, from the Calgary (Canada) Herald, sent in by several alert readers: "WOMEN FEAR BEING FORCED TO SUCKLE LARGE FROG."
This headline which I assume will win the $100,000 cash reward offered by the Association of Professional Journalists for the first person to get the words "suckle" and "frog" into the same headline appeared over a report from the nation of Zimbabwe. According to this report, Zimbabwe was being "swept by hysteria" over rumors that a "tycoon" was picking up young women in his limousine, then forcing them "to breastfeed a large frog to improve his business prospects."
The report says that Zimbabwean police scoffed at these rumors. But the tragic fact is that the police are ALWAYS quick to dismiss reports of women being forced by tycoons to suckle large amphibians for business purposes. I say it's time the international authorities looked into these reports and asked some tough questions, starting with: Where, exactly, WAS Donald Trump during 1999?
Our next incident in the alarming international bosom spate is detailed in a report from the Dec. 13, 2000, issue of the Myrtle Beach, S.C., Sun News, written by Kelly Burch and sent in by many alert readers. This report states that the Myrtle Beach Fire Department was forced to reject a $2,400 donation because and again, I am not making this up the money "was collected at a party where women danced on stage while having their bare chests rubbed with a ham."
Yes! A benefit topless ham rubbing! This occurred Dec. 10 at a Myrtle Beach dance club, whose owner is quoted in the story as offering this tightly reasoned defense of the event: "If somebody goes up there and pulls their shirt up, it is all in good taste."
This argument apparently was not persuasive to Myrtle Beach City Manager Tom Leath, who is quoted as saying: "I guarantee this will be the last ham rubbing they have for the fire department."
Again, we are left with unanswered questions, such as: What did they do with the used ham? Sell it on eBay? And, on the night of Dec. 10, where exactly WAS President Clinton?
The next bosom-related incident occurred in Nebraska (Motto: "You Can't Spell Our Name Without BRA"). According to a Jan. 26 story in the Lincoln Journal Star, written by Aaron Sanderford and sent in by alert reader Kent Propst, a woman became enraged when her boyfriend refused to let her into his apartment. So she did something that will send a chill down the spine of every man reading this: She forced him to suckle a large frog.
No, seriously, according to the story, she stuck her brassiere under his door and set it on fire. Fortunately, the fire was quickly extinguished and nobody got hurt. But we are left with some troubling questions: What if the fire had gotten out of hand, and on the VERY SAME NIGHT the fire department was holding a ham rubbing? And does this mean that brassieres which many women carry concealed on their persons are potentially deadly weapons? The Journal Star story states, ominously, that "Lincoln Fire Deputy Chief Dean Staberg declined comment Thursday on the specific flammability of female undergarments."
Moving on with our bosom report: According to an Associated Press article sent in last October by many alert readers, four women in Westport, Calif., "held a topless prayer vigil against clear-cut logging." The article quotes "activist Daryl Cherney" as saying: "The loggers will have to drive through a gauntlet of bare-breasted women. They are burning sage, saying prayers and invoking the name of the goddess and reminding the men of the god within each one of them."
Sure they are! Whenever men see a topless woman, their reaction is: "Whoa! This reminds me of my inner god!"
Believe it or not, I have even MORE alarming incidents in my bosom file. But I'm out of room here, so I'll close with this plea to the authorities: PLEASE look into this spate, OK? I'm talking to you women authorities, of course. The male authorities left much earlier in this column, to volunteer for the Myrtle Beach Fire Department.
Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald.